Lamest Sneakers of All Time: Team Jordan

Michael Jordan was virtually flawless on the court. He could do things no one else could athletically, and his list of clutch shots would make even Reggie Miller seem pedestrian. Off the court, his sneakers are a world-wide phenomenon, each release an event in of itself, and the rereleases ensure people will be wearing Air Jordans for generations to come. However, off the court, the guy has possibly the worst eye for talent in NBA history and his Team Jordan brand of sneakers reflects this. As for the shoes, you know the ones I'm talking about: the awkward arab kids in gym class would wear them, and you can usually find them sold 2 for 50 dollars at the local D & D's. As cool and trendsetting as Air Jordans have been, an immediate sign that the wearer has a sense of what's cool (or at least is a Puerto Rican from Sunset Park), the Team Jordans immediately say about their owner: "I'm 45 years old and am trying to get back in shape so my wife will sleep with me" or "I shop at D&D's for my sneakers".

Besides being really lame sneakers, the team assembled by Michael to represent Team Jordan are as accurate an example of his keen eye for talent as his Wizards and Bobcats draft picks have been. While he got lucky with stud athletes like Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony, the other members of the team were more of the Kwame Brown draft pick variety. The past and present teams have included such future legends of the hardwood as: Ron Mercer, Derek Anderson, Bobby Simmons, Q Richardson and (lest we forget) JARED JEFFRIES. The inclusion of that asshole and PTU favorite is enough reason to never let Michael near a draft of any kind, in fact that might mean it's time to take his car keys away like your grandfather. Jordan couldn't pick an afro. He's got an eye for talent, but it's more like Peter Falk's right eye (RIP). If Michael were to order for the table at Red Lobster, he'd probably ask for no biscuits (try to wrap your head around that). The guys not good at making choices.

Lamest Sneakers Of All Time: Reebok Shaq Kamikazes

Shaquille O'Neal was as dominant and influential an athlete that the NBA has ever seen and was more than worthy of all the accolades and praise he received since his recent retirement announcement. But while Shaq Diesel (seen above dunking on PTU hero and jean short enthusiast Derrick Coleman) dipped his size 22 toes into non-basketball related endeavors such as music and movies with mixed results, one world that the Big Marketer couldn't conquer was the sneaker world. Despite being perhaps the second most famous basketball player of all time (and arguably the most physically recognizable), Shaq never had a truly popular sneaker.

Most of the designs of Shaq kicks ranged from boring and clunky looking to just plain disgusting. These Reeboks (one of the last pairs that he wore before jumping ship to form his own brand of unwearable footwear) most definitely fall into the latter category. I mean, look at these abominations, but not for too long since they literally will make you sick. Who was in the Reebok offices in the mid-90s that thought the best way to compete with the dominance of the sleek and cool looking late 90s Nikes worn by Barkley and Jordan would be to produce a pair of sneakers that will literally make you dizzy if you stare at them for more than 5 seconds? I guess the idea was they needed to have a pattern that could match the maverick, outside the box thinker that Shaq was (and I guess he kind of was compared to most boring pro athletes), and I'm all for different and unique designs on sneakers but this is ridiculous. They look like the signs that doofus fans seated behind the backboard would hold up when players were shooting free throws so maybe it was an inside joke poking fun at Shaq's notorious foul shooting troubles. Whatever the thinking behind these truly horrible, vertigo inducing sneakers, the Kamikazes belong in the PTU Lamest Sneakers Of All Time closet next to the Catapults, never to be worn or thought about again.

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Johnny Bagel's Lamest Sneakers of All Time: LA Gear Catapult

In the 80s and early 90s the sneaker landscape (particularly basketball sneakers) was dominated by three companies, Nike, Adidas and Reebok, and those three giants of the industry have been at the top ever since. And then there were those other sneaker companies. If your mother couldn't afford a pair of Jordans for you to wear on the first day of school, or you wanted to stand out in the crowd a bit, there was always the big 3's competitors to choose from. Of all of these lesser known companies, maybe none was as lame as LA Gear. Probably best known for their sneakers that pointlessly lit up when you walked, these corny kicks (not by any means perp shoes) were primarily worn in 1989 by 10 year old Asian girls and Karl Malone. In an effort to keep up with the big boys, LA Gear attempted to join the modern basketball shoe world with their LA Tech line, in particular the Catapult. The name itself was kind of cool, as you picture putting them on and being immediately propelled 10 feet in the air to ram the ball down the throats of all those kids that laughed at you for trying to wear Paula Abduls to third period gym class (It's not a shoe it's a machine!). Unfortunately, they didn't help your leaping ability anymore than they helped the Mailman's street cred.

An obvious rip off of Nike Air and Air Max as well as the Reebok Pump, the Catapult was worn by approximately 3 people during gym class in 1991 before being pulled from the market. Karl Malone went on to a hall of fame career yet not one championship. Is it the shoes? Probably.