Bobby V: Still A Clown

The first spring training game hasn't even been played yet but the Yankees Red Sox shit talking is in full swing. This is thanks to a new face who has been introduced to the age old rivalry, none other than former Mets and Japanese league manager Bobby Valentine, who seems poised to become the next Rex Ryan. A buffoonish loudmouth who says clownish things to draw attention to his team. It's all great when you're winning (sexy Rexy is a refreshing honest sports figure!) but when the losses come, it's ugly. Same will go for Bobby V. He's replacing a fairly boring guy in Terry Francona who tended to shy away from the rivalry talk even though that's all the media and fans want to hear for the most part. But with the comments from Russell Martin last season and now Bobby V's dumb comments about Jeter being lucky to make his most famous play, things are heating up a little. Valentine's always been a guy who likes to provoke even going back to his playing days, and this is obviously a ploy to win over Red Sox Nation. Except to just say dumb things about Derek Jeter might endear Bobby to the hardcore Sawx fans in Quincy and South Bahston, but to everyone else it just looks like an annoying cry for attention (particularly us over here in New York). So if that's what he was trying to accomplish, then congratulations, Bobby V. You sound just as dumb as the dumbest of Red Sox fans and you have successfully annoyed New York city. Jeter had to explain that the Yankees actually practice that play, and he wasn't really out of position, and then Valentine came out and said the old "utmost respect" thing for DJ, but there's no point in arguing in Jeter's favor. The best thing to do with people like Valentine or Rex Ryan is ignore them or accept their dumb comments as theatre like professional wrestlers yelling at the camera. At least for now we're all paying attention.

Don't Blame Beer. The Red Sox Just Sucked

There's been a bit of a non story floating around since last week regarding the Boston Red Sox and their wild drinking ways. As anyone who's half glanced at this blog before can tell you, we are no friend of Boston and it's sports teams, in particular the Red Sox. But we do love beer. And beer is not the problem with the 2011 Boston Red Sox nor is it the reason that they played like a Parkville team in September. As that t-shirt they sell outside of Yankee Stadium says: the Red Sox were never cursed, they just sucked for 86 years. And similarly, the Red Sox weren't drunk in September, they just sucked.

Sucked really bad. But it's not beer's fault. I wouldn't expect pitchers on their off days to not drink beer, in fact I'm surprised all of baseball doesn't crack open a six pack in the dugout. As Homer Simpson once realized, baseball without beer is a really boring game. If Lester and whoever else wants to open a beer while they sit in the bullpen more power to them, can you imagine sitting there for 3 or 4 hours (if it's a Yanks vs. Sox game more like 5) stone sober. It's not like Papelbon was funneling Coors cans in the locker room before he's called out to pitch and make that retarded face (though maybe drinking would explain the face), these are guys who aren't pitching for at least another day. I think we can allow them a Heineken while they sit on their asses like the rest of us. Not to incriminate myself, but I have maybe once or twice had a beer or an entire mini bottle of Hennessy while at work. Did this hinder my job performance? Absolutely, but I'm not going to say baseball players can't have the same fun I did. They weren't going all Don Draper, sucking down entire bottles of scotch and looking longingly out their windows. No, they had a beer or two and maybe some Popeye's chicken and sat in the dugout. And let us not forget that the revered 2004 team, the one that can do no wrong, those plucky "idiots" that reversed the curse. They said themselves in their 30 for 30 documentary that they took shots of Jack Daniels before games. And this was the starting lineup who had to get up and bat. But their drinking was just part of that loose, fun atmosphere that stood in contrast to the big, bad boring Yankees. Those little scamps! It's just an example of how winning colors people's perceptions. Fun loving Nick Swisher is just what the stiff Yankee lineup needs in 09 when they're winning. When they lose, he's a light hitting bum who doesn't take his job seriously like the old Yankees did. Like the cliche says, winning cures all.

So, Boston Globe and people of New England and the rest of Red Sox Nation, criticize the Sox for playing some of the sloppiest, error filled baseball this side of the Bad News Bears. Or for not hitting in big spots for an entire month. Or for letting big leads slip away time and time again. But don't blame beer for your team simply sucking.

The Greatest Yankee Loss Ever

I've never been so happy to see the Yankees lose. The late season schedule resulted in the strange situation of Boston fans rooting for the Yankees and some Yankee fans (myself included of course) rooting against our own team. The result was a wacky, mixed up evening of misplaced loyalties and historic choking. I half expected to see AJ Burnett come out of the visiting bullpen and hit Evan Longoria in the face with a pie.

For a while there it seemed like we were headed for a one game play-in in Tampa tomorrow at best, and at worst the Red Sox clinching in Baltimore last night. The Yankees were playing like the Yankees, hitting grand slams and whatnot, and the Red Sox were clinging to a one run lead over an Orioles team who looked ready to start their vacations. But then in an occurrence that only a hackneyed sports writer could come up with, the rains came pouring down in Baltimore (get it? it's like symbolic). And while the Boston players sat anxiously in the clubhouse, they got to see the horrifying sight of the Rays rallying from a 7 run deficit to tie the game in the 8th inning. I can only imagine the looks on their faces being something similar to people watching the premiere of that new Kevin Dillon sitcom. Meanwhile, my face looked a little more like this from my couch.

So finally, game play resumed at Camden and Boston attempted to shake off what they'd just witnessed and do their part to keep their season alive. It looked like it might happen too. But then, something glorious happened. Papelbon's fish face firmly in place, the now 90% Red Sox Nation crowd ready to explode (this really isn't too much different from any Red Sox game at Baltimore these days), the Yanks and Rays now tied in extra innings creating hope that maybe the Sox could still pop some champagne before the night was over...and then Papelbon gave up two straight doubles. And Carl Crawford misplayed a line drive resulting in the winning run. Just 3 MINUTES LATER, Evan Longoria hit his 2nd home run in 3 innings to send the slightly more than half filled Tropicana field into hysterics and Boston fans to another long winter of discontent. Now, things can get back to normal. I can root for the Yankees as usual without any of that pesky hate that forces me out of my normal sports rooting routines. See ya next year, Boston.

Haters Unite! The Joys of Rooting against Boston

PTU's hatred of Boston is well documented. Hater J leads the pack with the most unbridled feelings of hate for Bahston with Mr. D not far behind. Lately, I've come to the realization that I too hate Boston more than previously thought possible. Boston hate is kind of in vogue these days, but we here at PTU don't hate because it's trendy. No sir, we've hated New England since Brady was a back up in Michigan and Kevin Garnett was still respected. I won't even eat Boston cream donuts or watch reruns of Cheers (but I do eat New England clam chowder, I'm not an animal). Ask Hater J his opinion of Good Will Hunting and he'll spit in your face. Yeah, we don't like Boston.

So it brings us great pleasure to witness the recent Red Sox slide. While I might have picked Adrian Gonzalez as my MVP and predicted the Sox would easily run away with the division not long ago, this is one time that I am glad to be proved wrong. The Red Sox are on the verge of a historic collapse and being the true haters that we are, it brings us almost as much joy to see the entire city of Boston considering a mass suicide in the Charles River as it does seeing the Yankees cruising to a division title. After tonight's gutsy play by my Tampa Bay Rays (including a triple play) to top the Yanks and a closer than it should have been game in Camden yards, the Sox and Rays are all tied up heading into game 162. The sign of a true hater is the fact that the misfortune of your rival gives you more pleasure than the success of the team you root for and that is most definitely the case here. I've never rooted this hard against the Yankees (it feels a little wrong but whatever). I have a feeling that the Sox will somehow pull this out but all of us at PTU will have our fingers crossed that they don't. In the meantime, I hope Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg, fucking Jim from the Office and whoever else is shitting their shorts over the prospect of their season ending in Baltimore on a Nick Markakis' base hit.

Let's go O's!

Who Will Win the 2011 American League MVP?

The baseball season is fast coming to a close and at this point there is still no clear cut MVP. Unlike previous seasons, no one is far and ahead above other players and there is no powerhouse team that is dominating the competition. The Red Sox and Yankees are battling for first place, as usual, with each team boasting at least one worthy MVP candidate. There are also a couple other nominees for the award this year scattered among those other teams in the league. As always, the winner will have to meet the standard criteria of dominance in at least (and preferably more) statistical category and should be a member of a winning team (this has not always been the case through out history, but barring a truly ridiculous season like the Texas A-Rod had in his MVP year, the MVP should be on a winning team). Who's on the short list this season?

• Curtis Granderson- The Yankee Centerfielder is making up for his disappointing first season in pinstripes with a ridiculous offensive year, on pace to possibly be the first player in forever to have 100 RBI, 40 Home Runs, 30 Stolen Bases and 10 triples. He's an absolute monster offensively and seems like a really nice guy (not that it matters).
• Adrian Gonzalez- Another recent addition to the Yankee-Sox rivalry, Gonzo has been hitting lights out this season. A shoe-in for the AL batting title (hitting a healthy .342), as well as the most consistent player on the Boston juggernaut who has barely lost this season aside from their early struggles and a couple hiccups here and there.
• Justin Verlander- I hesitate to award pitchers the MVP since they already have their own award, but Verlander's been so dominant that I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he took home the hardware this season. Virtually keeping the Tigers in the playoff hunt by himself (with some help from PTU hero Miguel Cabrera), Verlander is a no-hit threat almost every start, and he throws complete games like he's Doc Gooden in '86.
• Jose Bautista- This guy has really no chance of winning the MVP due to the fact that the Blue Jays kinda suck, and he cheats one of two ways (or both), but he's neck and neck with Granderson for the HR crown so you have to at least mention him. He burst onto the scene seemingly out of nowhere last season, crushing every pitch that came his way. The immediate thought (as always is these days) was that he was a juicer, but Toronto has also been known to cheat in subtler ways. The fact that his home to road homer ratio is so disparate only adds to the suspicion.
• Jacoby Ellsbury- No thanks.
• Dustin Pedroia- The scrappy little guy won it in 08, and he's putting up comparable numbers this season. While none of his numbers are very flashy, he's one of the leaders of the aforementioned never lose Sox so expect a lot of votes based on his "character" and such nonsense. That dominant photo above does make me like him a little bit more, but not much.

So, that's the list of nominees. Who's going to bring it home? I'm, of course, biased towards any Yankee so I'll say Granderson's historical season coupled with the fact that he's the most consistent player on a team battling for first place makes Curtis the feel-good MVP. Unfortunately, PTU doesn't qualify as a press credential so none of us have a vote (sorry M@D , you can't vote for Dante Bichette or Eddie Murray either) and I think the deck stacked with Red Sox players will result in the slow footed first baseman from Beantown being your 2011 American League MVP. The superior batting average and the likely first place finish for Boston is just too much to overcome. I'll settle for a World Series ring on Granderson's finger.

Yankees vs Red Sox 2011 Part 1

And so it begins again, another season battling it out for first in the AL East, except this year has started differently than most people expected. The Yankees have been pretty good, minus the 8th inning Tuesday and some missing MPH's off of Phil Hughes's fastball. The Red Sox, meanwhile, have gotten off to about as awful a start as you can imagine, losing games on base-running mistakes, not hitting, hitting but not pitching, forgetting basic rules like force-outs at home, and generally looking terrible. Red Sox Nation is crumbling, and anything less than a sweep of the Yankees this weekend will signal absolute disaster in Bean Town. "Don't even get me stahted about the Sahx".

Most of this panic is warranted (0 and 6 after the acquisitions they made is inexcusable) but let's put things in a little bit of perspective. The season is 162 games, that's 156 more games left. They've yet to play a home game and they started the season on the road against what seems to be an offensive juggernaut in last year's AL champ Rangers. PTU contributor Lupica already wrote his "worst team money can buy" column this morning (and only mentioned fathers and sons once I believe) and ESPN has begun their doomsday clock "computer simulated" championship odds crawl on the bottom of the screen (Johnny Five apparently thinks the Red Sox are 20% less likely to win the Series after this week). Don't get me wrong, I'm loving every minute of this; I wish they would lose every game the rest of the season, Carl Crawford would be run out of town crying, Dustin Pedroia's scrappy little ass would get lyme disease, and Ben Affleck would fall down the stairs. But it's a week into the season, and most likely the Sox will get it together enough to be right there, annoying as ever, breathing down the Yankees' necks for the last couple weeks of September. Let's get it started.

2011 Baseball Predictions

Yeah, big surprise. The team that spent a crapload of money to sign a bunch of all-star pitchers is going to beat the rest of the league. The other team that spent zillions of dollars, the Red Sox, will come in second. Eighty percent of the teams will have no shot at all, with their puny salaries which amount to roughly what the Yankees spend on cleaning supplies. Anyway, here's how the 2011 season will play out:

AL Playoff Teams:

Red Sox
Twins
Seattle
Yankees (Wild Card)

NL Playoff Teams:

Phillies
San Fran
Cubs
Cincinnati (Wild Card)

Red Sox over Seattle, Twins over Yankees
Red Sox over Twins

Philly over Cincy, Cubs over San Fran
Phillies over Cubs

Philly over Red Sox

MVPs:

Pujols
A-Rod

Cy Young:

Roy Halladay
Buchholz

You can count on it.