M@Ds Quick What The Hell is my NFL team doing biweekly review

Well here it is, I tell it to you quick and dirty what heck your team is doing.

AFC EAST

NY Jets:
They still have issues on both sides of the field but expect them to finish how they started at .500

New England Pats:
This is what it's like when your whole team gets old over night. They can still beat up on the AFC east so still expect them to win the Division

Miami Dolphins:
Come on this team stinks who care that Reggie Bush is #2 in rushing, lets see him finish the season first.

Buffalo Bills:
No one has skills like the Buffalo Bills, but the skill they are best at is signing free agents and not having them pan out.  They will fight the Dolphins for last in the Division

AFC NORTH

Baltimore Ravens:
Defense is still good, QB is still mediocre, perfect recipe for winning the division and making the playoffs

Cincinnati Bengals:
Too young , plays well but doesn't know how to start or finish games no playoffs

Pittsburgh Steelers:
Ben is Ben , he is always going to play out of his mind, but I don't see the weapons around him making him better, I see Ben making the weapons around him be better, not a good recipe , Playoffs in danger of being missed.

Cleveland Browns:
Just a bunch of guys who get together and play tough on Sundays, good to watch, but not making the playoffs

AFC SOUTH

Houston Texas:
No P. Manning, 2-0, what else could go wrong? Well so far they beat up on bad teams which is good, but they have not been tested yet, will their core 3 finish a season? If so possible Super Bowl bound.

Indianapolis Colts:
Just have fun watching Andrew Luck grow, if you have high expectations of this team you will be disappointed. No Playoffs

Jacksonville Jaguars & Tennessee Titans
Two teams so bad they don't even deserve their own little blight in my blog post. QB play is terrible instead of watching these teams play just mow your lawn or something. No playoffs no hopes for these teams at the moment

AFC West

San Diego Chargers
Like Houston they have beat up on bad teams, but come on ! How many times can this team fool you? Finish 14-2?, 11-5? Doesn't matter they are not built for the playoffs , no real running game at the moment, P Rivers can't win every game on his own, They so are going to miss the playoffs

Denver Broncos
They are the dark horse at the moment to win the division, if the Broncos can figure out how to play P. Manning football. Expect a few more bumpy moments, then they will kick it into high gear. Playoffs very possible

Oakland Raiders
No matter how much this team sucks they always entertain. Thank you Raiders for existing but once again your 10 years away from making the playoffs

Kansas City Chiefs:
Go to KC and eat ribs, no other reason to go to KC, if you have to watch this team , go work on your BBQing instead. No Playoffs , no way no how.

NFC WEST

San Francisco  49ers
Pictured above is a serious Vernon Davis, and his team is a serious super bowl contender, if they go undefeated I wouldn't be surprised.

Arizona Cardinals
Smoke and Mirrors my friend, Winning record possible, but not an easy road, Playoffs will be tough to obtain which this crew.

Seattle Seahawks:
Great Fans, this is basically NFL and professional sports Siberia, but they have key players at key positions that become a wild card team.

St. Louis Rams:
Like KC they have good ribs there, but unlike KC they have a better team and product on the field , will be entertaining to watch. No Playoffs but fun football

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta Falcons:
Good at home, so so on the road, sucky in the playoffs, finish how ever you want, no real future here.

Tampa Bay Bucs:
Freeman is improving, their coach has a chip on his shoulder , its showing with his new team, Wild Card here

Carolina Panthers:
Hey Cam Newton plays on this team, YAWN!!!! He is no longer Special, yes he is part the mold of young , fast, expanding the pocket QBS, but this type of QB will be hard pressed to win anything other then a division in the next few years, as other personal has not caught to their abilities. Another high first round pick for the Panthers coming up

New Orleans Saints:
I saw the writing , its on the wall, Their suspended head coach was a huge part of their success, scary part of this is , when they go 4-12 and get the first, second , or 3rd pick in the draft, their coach will be back next season and have some new insane offensive weapon.

NFC NORTH
All teams in this Division are 1-1 and I really don't see any clear favorite to win it at this point. So this division can be won by anybody. but in order of having a chance to win it I put it as Packers, Lions, Bears, and Vikings.

NFC EAST

Philadelphia Eagles:
They can't keep winning close games, M Vick is one idiot move away from being out 6-8 games, look for them to finish near the bottom of this division

Dallas Cowboys:
HA HA HA, Romo, HA HA HA, come on this is another team that keeps fooling people, win a big games, lose to a team you should beat. They just are not prepared week in and week out, Dallas has a huge tv screen in their new stadium, I heard Jerry Jones got it just so he could watch playoffs games on it. NO playoffs for them.

Washington Redskins
One of the reasons Cam Newton is not special any more. RGIII is a younger, better, Cam Newton, but unlike Cam he will win more games then Cam did in his first year. As for the team they will fight for a wild card spot , that's about it.

NEW YORK GIANTS:
They should win the division, but NY Giant team has ever one back to back super bowls, but then again we never had a QB like Eli: Once he gets in the playoffs all bets are off.

Should be a great season. See ya in two weeks

Happy Birfday, Nas: Top 5 Nas Songs Not On Illmatic

Jay-z once rapped that people in Brooklyn "argue all day about who's the best M.C., Biggie, Jay-z or Nas". It's a debate that will never end for rap fans. Not counting Biggie, who most people revere in Brooklyn like he invented pizza by the slice, it's really a 2 man race. Most people who know what "the purple tape" is will rate Nas and Jay-z 1 and 2 in varying order depending on their personal tastes. Being proud Brooklynites, most of PTU will probably rank Jigga slightly ahead of Esco, despite those silly nicknames, but the debate will never end. Personally, I think Nas is a more skilled rapper than Jay, but Jay's had a better career. Kind of like LeBron is more skilled than Kobe, but that doesn't mean he's a better player (at least not yet). Nas might be the best lyricist EVER, but for whatever reason he hasn't been able to put everything together consistently. His beat selection is a little off, and he can come off at best preachy and worst corny. This isn't to say he hasn't put out classic songs throughout his 20 year career. If we were to honestly put out a top 10 Nas list it would just be "Illmatic" but he's had some other gems aside from his epic debut. In honor of the little homies 39th birthday (good God, we're getting old) here's a few of my favorites post Illmatic:

5) Locomotive ft. Large Professor (Life is Good)

Yes, one of Nas's five best ever songs was on his most recent album. Part of my obsession with this track might be nostalgia for classic era hip hop (Nas even shouts out his "trapped in the 90s niggas" a couple times at the end), and another part is my lowered expectations for anything Nas has released for the past, oh, 15 years. But that doesn't take away from the fact that this is just a really, really good song.

4) Undying Love (I Am)

Remember how I said Nas might be the best lyricist in rap history? One aspect of his lyrical ablities that's a little under rated is his story telling, which is really, really good. Case in point the last track on the otherwise dissapointing I Am (the one with Nas looking like a Sphinx on the cover). Maybe the most vivid story I've heard on a rap song (even more than Story to Tell), Undying Love finds Nas coming home from Vegas to propose to his girl, only to find that he's been cuckolded by some poor fool. The last verse finds Nas and his Braveheart buddies (the subtle detail of Horse getting his foot stuck in the door is great) shooting it out with the cops before accidentally shooting his girlfriend and turning the gun on himself. "Now unto God we elope" is something you'll never hear in a 2 Chainz song. The racist cop finding their bodies at the very end is also a nice subtle touch. Great song.

3) I Gave You Power (It Was Written)

Another example of Nas's fine storytelling abilities. The whole "inanimate object personification" thing has been done to death in hip hop, usually involving someone rapping about a gun or weed as their woman (see Me and My Girlfriend by Tupac or Mary Jane by Scarface or a million other fucking songs). In 1996, though, this was still a pretty radical concept. Supposedly Nas didn't really want to do this, thinking it was a little too artsy for the mid 90s rap crowd that didn't listen to Organized Konfusion, but he eventually did it, and it's a classic track. Also featuring one of the least DJ Premierish DJ Premier beats (no scratched chorus for starters), this is a standout track on Nas's sophomore album.

2) Phone Tap (The Firm)

Nas, AZ, Foxy Brown and a couple other Queens and Brooklyn rappers joined forces with Dr Dre to create The Firm. They made an album in the late 90s that is widely considered a flop, mostly because Dr. Dre himself famously rapped that it was on a song most likely written by Eminem. Also, it was a bit dissapointing commercially and critically. As always, blame for a rap album flopping falls squarely and unfairly on the record label's shoulders. They probably shouldn't have released the awful Firm Biz as the first single and instead went with Phone Tap, which is a classic. The Dre beat on this is so great that it was a hit song for Carl Thomas about a year later.

1) The Message (It Was Written)

As previously mentioned, Illmatic is worshipped by rap fans, and even some people who aren't that into rap. A follow up was bound to fail, or at least come as somewhat of a dissapointment. However, the first real track on this destined to fail sophomore album starts out very promisingly. Built around a Sting sample, Nas spits quotable after quotable. "A thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers" will probably be on the tombstone of millions of people over this next century and if not then it should be.

Honorable Mention: Affirmative Action ft. The Firm (It Was Written)

I have trouble even calling this one a Nas song since it's a posse cut in the truest sense of the term but I'd hate myself if I didn't mention Affirmative Action. "Life's a bitch but God forbid the bitch divorce me, I'll be flooded with ice so hell fire can't scorch me". C'mon now, Nas.

Other Honorable Mentions: A Favor for A Favor ft. Scarface (I Am) (Motown Marxist's Favorite), Ether (Stillmatic), Street's Disciple (Street's Disciple), The World Is An Addiction (Life Is Good), Nas is Like (I Am), You're the Man (Stillmatic)

SNL Breaks The Fat Chick Barrier

Meet Aidy Bryant the Jackie Robinson of fat comediennes. Saturday Night Live is a New York institution and has long reflected the diversity of it's home city through it's cast, with the exception of Hispanics, Asians and overweight women. Well, some of that is about to change when the 2012-13 cast takes the stage this Saturday for the season premiere. SNL has employed quite a few fat dudes throughout the years, from John Belushi to Chris Farley to Kenan Thompson (fat and black, a double whammy). But, somewhat surprisingly, this is the first time an overweight woman will grace the stage at 30 Rock as a cast member. In fact, this is the first time a non-skinny woman will be part of the not quite ready for prime time players. By and large, the show has always hired above average looking women (with the exception of a few like Gilda Radner or Molly Shannon)and left the fat guy shtick to the men. It's a double standard, for sure, but most overweight women are kind of seen as one-trick ponys to many people still. The majority of SNL sketches involve half of the cast playing the straight man (or woman) role and I'd wager that the prevailing notion for Lorne Michaels and the other decision makers is having a fat girl in a sketch would be distracting. In other words, you couldn't see a fat girl as anything other than "the fat girl". However, these are changing times, and Melissa McCarthy was probably the best host of the past few years. The writers on SNL are sophisticated enough to avoid simply utilizing Aidy as the female Chris Farley. Can you imagine the uproar if she was made to look like a pig or if there were a Patrick Swayze Chippendales type sketch built around her, where the punch line was just "look at the fat girl try to be sexy"? Even so, I anticipate Jezebel will have a 3000 word article about the sexist pigs at SNL making fun of the poor fat girl by October. At the very least, this casting should ease the load for Bobby Moynihan having to play every chubby White woman. Lena Dunham, you've been warned.

9/11 Conspiracy Theorists Are Insane

Today is as close to a national day of mourning that we have in this country. It's been 11 years since the attacks on 9/11 but it's still somewhat fresh in the minds of many Americans, particularly those of us who lived in or near New York at the time. Of course, with time the impact of these attacks begins to lessen, and America's other national past time takes over: Wack a doo conspiracy theories. To be fair, a lot of these nutjobs were throwing around conspiracies since the day it all went down. Things have only gotten crazier though, especially since the kookie messages previously only transmitted to the true believers through decoded messages in their X-Box headsets, have now become if not widely accepted, at least tolerated by a small portion of society. I'd say the majority of rappers probably believe that 9/11 was an inside job ("Why did Bush knock down the towers") as do about 80% of CUNY professors. These people even have a name: Truthers! See, they're the yang to the "birther" movement's yin because as we all know, radical zealots on both sides need cute names to make themselves feel like they matter to anyone besides their world of warcraft team members or PCP dealers. And like any group of fringe lunatics they have a Bible of sorts, in the Truthers' case it's the low budget film Loose Change, a delightful romp that details how the US government didn't just mishandle the knowledge of the terrorist attacks in 2001, or even allow them to happen. No, that would be almost believable in a paranoid, delusional sort of way. These films go into great detail to prove that the U.S. government, spearheaded by those evil geniuses George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, blew the damn buildings up themselves. That whole plane flying into the building thing you might've seen? Hollywood level flim flam effects, all orchestrated by the US government so they could start a war in the name of oil. A little far fetched? Don't tell a truther that, or feel the wrath of their highly advanced brains, able to recite bullshit they read off a Wordpress site like it's actually not laughably stupid. If you do encounter one of these deep thinkers, wish them well and back off. There's that old saying about not arguing with a fool because from a distance you can't tell who is who, and that definitely applies here. Also, they're liable to stab you in the face with a screwdriver. Never forget that these people are idiots who you are much, much better than.

Nicki Minaj Is Not Voting For Romney so Shut Up

Motown Marxist's math student, Nicki Minaj recently caused a little bit of controversy with a line she rapped on Lil Wayne's underwhelming Dedication 4 mixtape that was released on Labor Day. Nicki rapped "I'm a republican voting for Mitt Romney, you lazy bitches are ruining the economy". This is a fairly benign line, especially when compared to the rest of the mixtape that (as usual) deals with pussy, guns, and more pussy (Wayne raps about pussy a LOT. Me thinks the man who has kissed men on tape and spent most of his late 20s in prison doth protest too much). It's actually a smarter line than you might think at first glance. As a punchline of sorts, it at least assumes that the listener knows a) lazy people are a danger to an economy's well-being and b) Romney is the alleged economy candidate. Doesn't seem like much to get worked up over. But apparently, hip hop fans are dumber than you thought. A lot of people lost their shit over this, and numerous media outlets (including the New York Daily News) reported Nicki's endorsement of Romney as if she held a press conference and formally announced her support like she's an ex-President or something. There's so much that is stupid about this I don't know where to start, but how about....

it's a rap song you idiots???? Do you believe everything you hear a rapper say in song as gospel? Next week's breaking story will be that Pablo Escobar owes Rick Ross a hundred favors. Cam'Ron has a cocaine buffet in his house and a fountain that sprays out Mountain Dew. DMX kills people and then has sex with their bodies. Eminem not only murdered his ex-wife, he also killed her new husband and son, as well as murdered Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Dakota Fanning. Obama might think twice about telling every young voter who will listen that he loves Jay-z because he might not know that Jay admitted to about 374 murders and robberies in his lyrics. Drake sits at home and cries because his girlfriend forgot his birthday, oh wait, that one's true. I know it's a stretch to think that the majority of people who listen to nicki Minaj might understand things like metaphor or poetic license, but a rapper comparing themselves to Republicans is nothing new (Jay-z and Nas, two guys you would never confuse for right wingers, had a song together called Black Republicans), and it's a very standard slick way of saying "I'm rich, and you bitches aren't" which most fans of Nicki should know is her m.o. (I'm not even a fan, and have probably heard less than 15 verses by her in my life yet am well aware of this). This doesn't even factor into account that Miss Minaj was born in Trinidad and might not even be a registered voter or American citizen.

Even if she were voting for Romney, though, who cares? Aside from free speech and all that, would it really make a difference in the election? Despite her massive Twitter following and "barbies" who do everything she says, I doubt Nicki Minaj fans will be moved to vote for Romney just because of one throwaway line on a mixtape. The idea that this makes her a bad influence is also ridiculous. After all, she starts that same verse with "Drop it to the floor, make that dick shake" which isn't a tremendously positive role model for children. She also has rapped in the past about "eating people's brains". I am not absolutely positive of her position on brain eating, but again who actually listens to lyrics anyway?

This Day in PTU History: Jim Abbott's No-hitter

If you're under the age of 18, it might be hard to believe that there was ever a time that no-hitters were a really big deal. Now a days they happen about as often as Joe Biden saying something dumb, (shit, even the Mets got one recently) but back in the day it was a truly huge accomplishment. And in the 90s it was especially difficult seeing as how everyone was on steroids and all. However, all those juiced up batters didn't prevent the Yankees from having 4 no-hitters during that decade. None was more impressive than Jim Abbot's, 19 years ago today. There might have been more dominating performances, and no-hitters in bigger circumstances (the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs this year), but consider this: HE HAD ONE FUCKING HAND. That's right, Jim Abbott not only pitched in the major leagues for years. He did it all with one less hand than I am currently using to type this meaningless blog post. And he threw a no hitter!!! It's a big enough deal that he even made his high school team in his predicament, but a no hitter for the Yankees? If Mitch Albom wrote that in a novel, we'd all laugh at how full of shit and Mitch Albomish that idea was. It's the type of stuff Christian movie directors put in their movies that we all think is so hokey, or Disney movies starring washed up sitcom actors and Eugene Levy portray. "Couldn't you end the movie with him just making the majors and maybe throwing a strikeout or two? Nobody over the age of 6 will buy this clown tossing a no-no". But he did.

How lazy does that make all of us feel? With our perfectly good two hands we can't even throw a no hitter on Playstation yet Abbott did it in Yankee Stadium. The Mets couldn't do it for 50 years. And even though Cleveland finished 10 games under .500 that season, it wasn't like Abbott was going up against the 2012 Astros or some other rinky dink lineup. This was an Indians team that included Kenny Lofton (when he was still really good) Carlos Baerga, Albert Belle and Manny Ramirez, and Jim Thome. You would think one of those guys would've got a hit by accident. But aside from 5 measly walks, Abbott got every one of those guys out. Imagine if Twitter or Facebook or even blogs like this existed while this was happening. Jim and the coverage his one hand would have gotten would have made Linsanity look like a one paragraph article in the Bay Ridge Home Reporter. Today, Abbott is mostly forgotten along with most of the early 90s Yankees not currently managing the Dodgers. You rarely see him at Yankee old timer events or throwing out the first pitch, and there's a generation of baseball fans who probably have no idea who he is. But he should be acknowledged for one of the all time "holy shit" moments in sports, the most unbelievable no-hitter in history.

PTU salutes you, Jim Abbott.

Good Riddance, Summer

The summer is a highly over rated season. I know, I know, everyone looooves the summer, it's blasphemous to even suggest that it's actually lame. There's been literally thousands of songs, movies, books, television shows, whatever, dedicated to the virtues of summer. The sun, the fun, summer love, blah blah blah. That's all well and good when you're a child who has nothing to do for two months but read comic books, jerk off and play x-box in the comfort of your parent's air conditioned home. But alas, when you're old and defeated by life like we are, the summer is nothing more than a tease, like all those maxi dress wearing P.Y.T's who aren't your wife on the subway (maxi dresses are the proper term for those dresses that every girl was wearing this summer. You know the ones). Speaking of the subway, the iron horse is particularly torturous during the summer months. During the surrounding seasons, it's merely a pain in the ass to take the train to and from work every day. During the summer it's the closest many of us will get to a living hell we can complain about to other people. You thought homeless people with AIDS smelled bad in the spring and fall? Hoo boy, are you in for a treat. The Fall on the other hand is pretty under rated. Sure, there's been a few songs and movies bigging up Autumn throughout the years, but it's usually just talking about the changing colors of the leaves and new beginnings. In other words, gay shit. The Autumn is under rated as a time to truly get twasted off your ass. The summer is well known as the time for after work outdoors drinking, but I'd counter that 60 degrees is the perfect time to sit outside and drink your sorrows away. If you're a sports fan, you have many reasons to love the fall. Let's be honest, the summer is a dead zone for sports. Around July, even the players start getting bored of playing baseball. There's a reason it's called the dog days of summer. Besides that, you have the Olympics and all it's boring sports every 4 years and what else? The WNBA? The end of summer means the beginning of football season (college and pro), a time to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week, and a valid excuse to ignore your wife. Baseball games actually mean something, and the NBA is right around the corner. There's a reason Autumn rhymes with awesome.

So, throw your cargo shorts back in the closet, break out your hoodies and light jackets and bid farewell to the most over rated time of year. Screw you, summer. Check back in with us in December when we start bitching about Winter.

Hater J's 2012 AFC Preview

AFC East - Pats
Unless Tom Brady slips and falls running through New England in a pair of Uggs, or just hangs himself for being such a pussy whipped douche bag, there is no way the Bills, Dolphins, or Jets come even close to contending for this division.

Speaking of the bottom feeders…
How many points do the Jets average this year?  This isn’t futbol, Mr. Sanchez. Three points a game isn’t getting you many wins.

Most football fans would be as hard pressed to name three Dolphins receivers as Ryan Tannehill was at naming all eight of the pro football divisions.

The Bills play for a bunch of great fans, in a really bad stadium, with a fairly average squad.  Given the easy schedule, they may sneak into the playoffs, but unseeding the Pats is not likely.

AFC North - Cincinnati
This is a pick made mostly because I don't trust Pittsburgh's offensive line or aging defense.  How is Pittsburgh supposed to compete for the division with starting running back Mendenhall still healing, his back up (Redman) an injury risk, the offensive line a total mess, Big Ben bound to miss some time from all the hits he'll take, and a defense that showed some holes late last season?

I also don't believe in Joe Flacco, the pass interference offense, and the old man defense.  How  can trust an offense that relies on the QB chucking it 40 yards to Smith, the  after a flag, feeds Ray Rice until they settle for a field goal or Rice breaks one? I'm tired of hearing about how this is the year Flacco puts it all together. He's the Ravens' version of Sanchez, only with a much bigger arm. Their defense is old and missing the only player capable of a formidable pass rush in Suggs.

That leaves Cincinnati.   Andy Dalton does a good job of managing the game and not hurting his team. AJ Green is super talented and has great chemistry with Dalton. Green-Ellis has never lost a fumble and adds even more stability to the offense. The defense was solid and should see that type of play continue this year.

AFC South - Houston
I'd pick Houston even if you told me they'll be missing Foster for a few weeks and they'd be starting second and third string QB's for the better part of the year. They did it last year and were a few plays away from making the AFC Championship game. I don't see Jacksonville, Indy, or Tennessee causing much trouble.

AFC West - Denver
This is the best collection of players Manning has ever been surrounded by, paired with a good coach, and great homefield advantage.  This defense won Tebow games. The offense is complete with receivers that run good routes (Decker), receivers with big play ability (Thomas), a familiar tight end with good hands (Tamme), and an offensive line that can make room for a solid running back (McGahee).

People point to Manning being fresh off surgery as a risk. He's not. He has one of the quickest releases in football, rarely gets sacked, and the rules of this league are made to protect QB's from injury. His arm strength may be declining, but I'm sure he can figure out ways to get the ball to his receivers without going 20 yards in the air, Brady has made a living of it.

Finally, if you had to pick between Romeo Crenel/Matt Cassel, Norv Turner/Phillip Rivers,  Dennis Allen/Carson Palmer, John Fox/Peyton Manning to win you a division, who would it be? I've been told his is a coach and QB league, making this a no brainer.