Nicki Minaj Is Not Voting For Romney so Shut Up

Motown Marxist's math student, Nicki Minaj recently caused a little bit of controversy with a line she rapped on Lil Wayne's underwhelming Dedication 4 mixtape that was released on Labor Day. Nicki rapped "I'm a republican voting for Mitt Romney, you lazy bitches are ruining the economy". This is a fairly benign line, especially when compared to the rest of the mixtape that (as usual) deals with pussy, guns, and more pussy (Wayne raps about pussy a LOT. Me thinks the man who has kissed men on tape and spent most of his late 20s in prison doth protest too much). It's actually a smarter line than you might think at first glance. As a punchline of sorts, it at least assumes that the listener knows a) lazy people are a danger to an economy's well-being and b) Romney is the alleged economy candidate. Doesn't seem like much to get worked up over. But apparently, hip hop fans are dumber than you thought. A lot of people lost their shit over this, and numerous media outlets (including the New York Daily News) reported Nicki's endorsement of Romney as if she held a press conference and formally announced her support like she's an ex-President or something. There's so much that is stupid about this I don't know where to start, but how about....

it's a rap song you idiots???? Do you believe everything you hear a rapper say in song as gospel? Next week's breaking story will be that Pablo Escobar owes Rick Ross a hundred favors. Cam'Ron has a cocaine buffet in his house and a fountain that sprays out Mountain Dew. DMX kills people and then has sex with their bodies. Eminem not only murdered his ex-wife, he also killed her new husband and son, as well as murdered Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Dakota Fanning. Obama might think twice about telling every young voter who will listen that he loves Jay-z because he might not know that Jay admitted to about 374 murders and robberies in his lyrics. Drake sits at home and cries because his girlfriend forgot his birthday, oh wait, that one's true. I know it's a stretch to think that the majority of people who listen to nicki Minaj might understand things like metaphor or poetic license, but a rapper comparing themselves to Republicans is nothing new (Jay-z and Nas, two guys you would never confuse for right wingers, had a song together called Black Republicans), and it's a very standard slick way of saying "I'm rich, and you bitches aren't" which most fans of Nicki should know is her m.o. (I'm not even a fan, and have probably heard less than 15 verses by her in my life yet am well aware of this). This doesn't even factor into account that Miss Minaj was born in Trinidad and might not even be a registered voter or American citizen.

Even if she were voting for Romney, though, who cares? Aside from free speech and all that, would it really make a difference in the election? Despite her massive Twitter following and "barbies" who do everything she says, I doubt Nicki Minaj fans will be moved to vote for Romney just because of one throwaway line on a mixtape. The idea that this makes her a bad influence is also ridiculous. After all, she starts that same verse with "Drop it to the floor, make that dick shake" which isn't a tremendously positive role model for children. She also has rapped in the past about "eating people's brains". I am not absolutely positive of her position on brain eating, but again who actually listens to lyrics anyway?

Why do People Want to Vote for Someone as Dumb as They Are?

I'm not a very political person. I don't like to discuss politics as a rule, since I've come to realize that every person has their own ideals which they are not going to budge on, and there are no absolutes when it comes to personal politics. A person on the right of a topic will have just as many supporting statistics and arguments as the guy on the left. Something I do kind of enjoy, though, is people talking about politics, and the way that political campaigns are projected on the masses. As skeptical as I am of any one person changing the direction of society, I'm just as fascinated by the diehard liberal or right wing conservative. One aspect of political blindess that I find particularly stupid is the embracing of candidates who represent the "common man", ya know that regular joe who sounds just like you and me. He's not held down by fancy educations and elitist ideas, he's a real salt of the earth type fella. Like inexplicable republican hero Herman Cain.

Even someone like me who avoids CNN and MSNBC and Fox News like the plague can tell you the details of the ups and downs of Cain's campaign for President thus far. He used to be the head of a pizza company no one on the East coast has heard of, then skyrocketed to stardom seemingly overnight through folksy, crowd pleasing debate answers, has a catchy nonsensical "9 9 9" financial plan and has recently had more sexual harrasment charges than the Park Slope groper. He's apparently been around for a while, but I'd bet my Christmas bonus against anyone of you being able to pick him out of a lineup 4 months ago, let alone pegging him as the next leader of the free world. He's gone from token Black Republican to leader of the polls. How is ol' Horny Herman somehow leading the pack ahead of proven household name white guys in the GOP field? Well, he reminds a lot of voters of themselves. Not that most Republicans are middle aged black guys with wispy moustaches, but he's cast himself as the "anti-Beltway" candidate. A regular guy who just wants to get the Country back on track. Take his recent answer to an inquiry on Uzbekistan: Cain said he doesn't need to know about "uzi uzi becky becky stan stan". To him, that's some other country with a funny name that has no affect on the average American. When Letterman brought this up to Cain on Friday's appearance on the Late Show, he said something like "David, there's over 200 countries in the world. I can't know all of them". And then he went back into his "the American people want jobs, blah blah" bullshit and his 9 9 9 thing again. Why doesn't this cause people alarm? I'll be honest, I know nothing about Uzbekistan or most other "stans" but the difference is I'm not running for office. I wouldn't want someone like me running the country. I couldn't even run a fantasy football leauge. Why do so many people want someone just like them running the country? Wouldn't you want the absolute smartest person in charge of your country? Shouldn't he have at least a basic grasp of foreign affairs? Unfortunatelty, if you asked a great many voters, the answers to those questions would be "who gives a hoot? get off my lawn commie" or something like that, but believe me they don't care. Americans love someone they can identify with. One of the biggest criticisms of Obama is he's an out of touch liberal elitist who doesn't have the heart of the country , that is the hard working people of middle America, in his best interests. I don't want my President to look or sound anything like me. We're not all president material. The President should be an example of the best we have to offer in this country, when other countries think of America they should think of intelligence, strength and bravery not some shmuck who can't pronounce Uzbekistan and is proud of it. Woody Allen said he wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have him as a member, and I don't want to be part of a country that would have a President as dumb as I am.

PTU Guide to Republicans by Snoot and Bagels: Part 1 of 2

This is a PTU two part political special.

During a conversation today Johnny Bagels made a distinction regarding the types of Republicans working in his office, noting that they were "old money sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans". It was at this point that we realized we both enjoy fitting people into narrowly defined political stereotypes. Here is the official PTU Guide to Republicans (don't worry, we hate on all sides equally. Democrats will be coming soon).

Old Money Sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans
These guys are a dying breed (there are no women in this group). They have a ton of money and like being isolated from the proletariat. Not usually loud and flashy, they hate most people and keep to themselves unless inside the confines of their elite clubs. Kind of guys that talk PC in public and then run to the Yacht club to bash minorities while drinking 30 year old scotch. Usually involved in some type of business that either destroys the environment or kills people like oil or defense contract work.

Prime Examples: Koch Brothers, Dick Cheney.

Crazy Fires Of Hell Bible Belt Republicans
This group has gotten popular in recent months due to publicity for candidates likes Michelle Bachmann. Rather then worry about things like the economy or the wars we have going on, their main goal is ruin the lives of gay people, pretend their kids won't have sex until marriage (Mrs. Palin), and argue that God made people out of Play-Dough. A great quote from Michelle sums it all up" Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that."


Prime Examples: Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum.

Good Old Racist Republicans
No one typifies this group more then gold old Strom Thurmond. He is best known for doing everything he could to hold down those pesky minorities during his long career, at least when he wasn't getting his black maid knocked up at 16. At least because of his good Christian heart he passed her some money under the table. More recently, Pat Buchanan has stepped into the spotlight as the new leader of this group with his new book. Among other things, he longs for the joy and tranquility of segregation "Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and ture. We were one nation. We were Americans.
Prime Examples: Strom Thurmond, Pat Buchanan

New Money Hedge Fund Asshole Republicans

Perhaps the most reviled breed of Republican, and often the spawn of William F. Buckley Republicans. When the elite send their kids into finance training at an early age to groom them for dominance, this is what you get. They don't really share in any of the ideals or care about social issues, they just have no empathy for other humans and want to make sure the government doesn't take any of their money. They are often at odds with the Fires of Hell Republicans because they spend their one night off getting bottle service at whatever snooty club is the flavor of the week after which they bang lots of chicks who are in town for a modeling gig. Despite their sometimes awful appearance, they usually land a hot trophy wife and put her up in a nice house in the suburbs while banging their admins back in city.

Prime Examples: Steve Cohen, This Guy

Civil Service Workers and Old Italian and Irish Republicans

Not as offensive (to me at least) as the old money or racist redneck sect of the GOP but maybe the most prevalent type in the outer boroughs. These are the guys who probably shouldn't vote Republican if they really thought about it (why do they care if millionaires pay more taxes?), some are even in unions but they just can't get past the thought of voting the same way as a long haired hippie from Bushwick. Usually, these guys work as cops or for Sanitation and enjoy good ol' fashioned red blooded American activities like watching the NFL on Sundays at Bean Post, eating steak and being weary of foreigners. There's a lot of crossover here with the old white guys who used to dominate New York (they hang out in a lot of the same places and work the same jobs), the Italians and Irish who remember when Brooklyn wasn't full of camel jockeys and hipster artist types. They don't understand why silly brown people can't pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make enough money to buy a house in Dyker Heights like their immigrant grandparents did. They would vote for a pile of laundry before they voted for someone named Barack Obama.

Prime Examples: Bay Ridge and Long Island Cops. Danny Aiello.

Basil Marceaux.Com: Still The Funniest Man Alive

His 15 minutes of fame may have passed us by but DO NOT underestimate the genius that is Basil Marceaux.Com (he refers to himself with a .com moniker).  Here is a link to his new official blog.

He has run for office in the great state of Tennessee multiple times, and his main claim to fame was a feature on The Colbert Report and The Soup. Whenever I'm having a shitty day, I pull up some of these videos to cheer myself up. I've tried to collect some of the best below, but here are some of the wonderful quotes that Mr. Marceaux.Com has brought into the world.

• On crime and gun control "I’d like to recall all permit and registration for guns. Everyone carry guns. If you kill someone. No. You get murdered then you go to jail!. "So who am I to say Ima write an ammement to the constitution say, nutcase can't have guns, criminals can't have guns...The government has patriot missiles and we has sling shots."
• On the environment: "And, uh, I like to plant grass or vegetation across the state or any vacant lot and sell it for gas. So we can use it for our expenses."
• On illegal immigration: " I said what, in America, I was looking outside to see if they flying the Mexican flag out there. "We aim these little red things down the road every foot, uh every inch, put up an infared fence."
• On his sausage factory: "Maybe when I get my sausage goin, have these two people say Basil eat my meat, or maybe eat my sausage. But I need to have you know weird things stick out and give you make you history, what what what I'm an international celebrity."
• Traffic Stops: "I also want to stop traffic stops, set it up like the supreme court ruled, vanilla vs. Iowa. Can't find innocent car, you can't look."
• On Smoking Bans: "We got the smokers, even though that pack says it's going to kill us, if you look at their face they actually look enhanced. These two people are having the happiness to the maxinin."
• Renewable Energy:"By 2080 the whole southeastern United States is going to be a dry land just like Mexico...because of the sun flares...last night at 12 o'clock, yesterday, sun flares broke off sun, and came at us 1,000 miles an hour like Aruba's, came at 12 o'clock at night and no one even knew that. When that happens in 2040 to 2050, the solar panel's won't work anymore. Windmills will probably work as long as we can find enough wind to make them work."

Here is a pretty great youtube video with all the key highlights, including subtitles:

Finally, as the holiday season approaches, I leave you with "A Basil Marceaux Christmas".

Occupy Wall Street? Not me. I have to work.

We've hosted this image before here on PTU. But what does it really mean?

I think it's the proper image for this movement, but for the wrong reasons: The bull is still strongly raging as if the ballerina atop it isn't even there. She's graceful, but enigmatic and inconsequential.

The basic premise for the Occupy Wall Street Movement is that things aren't economically "fair".

I think George Orwell said it best in Animal Farm: All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

Let's not forget that social structures are not based on the idea that everyone should start off with the same things, rather that everyone is entitled to the same things given their contribution to that said society. For example: The country of Japan owes me nothing because I'm not a part of their "society". That is to say that for one, I don't pay taxes (participate) to Japan. In effect, I'm not entitled to the same rights a Japanese citizen in Japan would have. In fact, I'm most likely not entitled to any.

That being said, these people are not fighting for rights, per-se. Their fighting for what they believe are their rights - for what they believe they deserve as a consequence of just plainly existing. They're fighting for something that was never theirs in the first place.

Sometimes I hear things like: "Man! AmEx won't cut me a break on my credit card bill." Well, guess what? AmEx didn't force you to charge (not buy) a round of Patrón shots for your buddy's birthday. Some of these protesters seem to want to have their cake and eat it too. This is of course a generalization, but it's my belief that it's a mild assertion at most.

Look, I get it. Even I think that some high level corporate officers should be in jail. I'm not called the Motown Marxist for nothing. Sure, I would like to take a private Jet to Monaco every weekend where I can then drive my Maserati down the coast with my supermodel [wife]. And sometimes it sucks to think that a dude living 2 miles away actually does this. But that's never been the life I was sold/given/knew I had to adopt. Maybe my social status and personal handicaps taught me at an early age that fair isn't about getting what everyone else gets, fair is about given the opportunity to fight for what everyone else gets.

So when you do finally NEED to fight, have a good reason with purpose. It would also help if your actions didn't contradict your motives. That is, you don't actively participate in the very behavior you're rallying against. For causes like these it helps to be selfless... when it's sincere.

In Defense of Hank Williams Jr.

Might be a little late here but I thought someone besides Kid Rock should step up in defense of Hank Williams Jr. He's definitely an idiot and an ass backwards redneck (look at that photo up there and say he's not) but what he said has been misreported all over the place. He compared Obama and Boehner playing golf together to Hitler and Netinyahu cavorting. This is an unbelievably dumb statement, but he didn't say "Obama is Hitler" as most people seem to be saying. His comparison is iffy to be sure, but I don't think worthy of a firing. Understandably any mention of Hitler is in poor taste but I think HWJ was just making a dumb analogy, basically that the right and the left in America gadding about on a golf course was like the enemy fraternizing. This is extremely stupid stuff and represents a pretty scary and misguided idea about American politics (does he really think that the Democrats and Republicans should never come in contact with each other in a friendly manner?) but not as incendiary as "Obama is like Hitler". Rather, in his own moronic redneck way, he was trying to convey that the relationship between Obama and Boehner is like Hitler and Netinyahu. He could have said it's like Darth Vader and Han Solo or the Yankees and the Red Sox or something like that and I don't think there would have been the shitstorm that followed. It was a poor choice of words by an entertainer who shouldn't be held to the same standards as a political pundit or Senator. We just want to hear about him and his rowdy friends enjoying a Monday night like he's sung to us every Monday for what seems like forever. Sure, he's an idiot, but his message wasn't as idiotic as some might think. Sadly, we will all be ready for some football on Monday nights with no rowdy friends to share it with. Maybe the new theme can be sung by someone who never, ever under any circumstances will open their mouth on Fox and Friends. Is Kid Rock busy these days?

Will We Ever See Another Fat President?

Chris Christie is expected to officially announce today that he will not be running for President, and with him goes the hope for another barrier to be broken. Maybe the American dream isn't available to everyone. Despite the many ideological differences, there is one thing that unites the left and right. That's right, we are once again not electing the fat guy.

History is bursting with full figured Commander in Chiefs; Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big gut around and Grover Cleveland didn't look like he passed up too many lunches. This is a different time, though, when the pudgy POTUS is but a distant dream of typically obese American children everywhere. Take a look at our last 10 presidents: not a chubbster among them. These pipe cleaners look like they've been starving themselves like supermodels or those kids in the Sally Struthers commercials, not leaders of the free world. In fact, one of them is actually an African! Clinton was a little doughy, but he's nobody's idea of a fat guy. Will we ever see a portly, Christie sized man in the oval office? I doubt it will happen in our lifetime. Nowadays, we like our political leaders pleasant to look at, with nice teeth, an affable but not goofy demeanor, intelligent but not a brainy elitist, and a guy that you could have a beer with but doesn't look like he routinely attends keg parties and taps it himself. The American voting hierarchy is as such:

• White Protestant
• White Catholic
• Mixed Black and White Protestant
• Black Protestant or Catholic
• White Woman
• Black woman
• Chinese
• Fat
• Mexican
• Muslim
• Ralph Nader

And that's it. We've still got a way to go before we knock off the fully black protestant or catholic , any kind of woman and then the Chinese President. Christie seems to understand this, bowing out gracefully before the voting public reminds him of how far he's let himself go. His Jersey guy every man shtick only goes so far. Nixon's popularity famously waned after a particularly sweaty debate in which his dripping face contrasted with the pretty boy looks of JFK. Imagine Christie under some hot lights. Ted Striker trying to land the plane comes to mind.

So, will the discrimination against rotund guys in politics ever end? Probably not. Physical appearance is a piece of the puzzle, but it is a very big piece. Trying to fit a jolly, plump guy in just isn't going to work in America. Next year's candidates and the future leaders of tomorrow better not cancel their Bally's memberships just yet. Let Christie be a lesson to us all.

Hiking On The Iranian Border: BAD IDEA

By now you've probably read the story of the American Hikers who "wandered" into Iran while on a wonderful journey of discovery. After over two years in captivity, they were finally released after "someone" paid $1MM in ransom to Iran. Apparently they didn't see my map above before leaving and ended up in Iran accidentally while hiking in the peaceful Iraqi countryside. They whined about their time in Iran despite the fact their accommodations sounded quite nice compared to some American lock-ups like the Brooklyn House of Detention (certain unnamed PTU'ers can attest to this). The whole saga ended up getting resolved only when Sean Penn asked his friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela to appeal on the lost hikers behalf.

If you read the accounts in the media these hikers are poor lost souls who were attacked by an evil government and had Spicoli from Ridgemont high save them. The obvious questions everyone should be asking instead are:

• Why are some idiot over-privileged UC Berkeley grads hiking around near the Iranian border? Does anyone in the world think this is a good idea?
• Their excuse is that they started out on on innocent hiking trip in the "safe" Kurdistan region of Iraq...like hiking in Iraq is a great idea to begin with. 
• Who paid the $1MM to get these jackasses free? Their families say they don't know who paid for their release, but it is obvious it was the U.S. taxpayer.

Next time you want to go hiking in a war zone or sailing through the water off the cost of Somalia be prepared to take responsibility for your own stupidity. 

Which States Really Benefit From Federal Government Spending?

Football is only in preseason mode and I'm a Mets fan so that only leaves politics and lists to talk about. Given recent events, I've started watching multiple episodes of Man vs. Wild so I can be prepared for the collapse of the modern economy and the end of our civilization as we know it. Until everything falls apart, it's still fun to look at some of the facts and figures about how our government wastes money.

Now to the interesting chart that is based on data from the non-partisan Tax Foundation. To be fair, this chart only includes data from 2005 since the foundation hasn't had the funds to update it (go figure).

This chart represents all the states for which there was a Senatorial election during 2010 AND the state in question gets back more federal money than they pay out in federal taxes. If we assume that a Republican victory was a statement regarding voters interest in a smaller federal government with less federal spending, isn't it interesting that voters in states with a net influx of cash from D.C. voted this way? Curiously, if we look at all the states that pay out more in federal taxes then they get back in spending, Republicans only won about 1/3 of the available seats in the Senate.

So what the hell does this mean? Do people in these states really want to stop getting back their "subsidy" from other states? A great example of this is Sarah Palin's state of Alaska. While it doesn't appear in this chart since there wasn't a Senatorial election in 2010, Alaska ranks number 3 in terms of taking in more money then they pay out to the federal government. In 2005, the federal government spent $1.84 in Alaska for every $1 dollar in federal taxes paid out. So when Palin talks about making government smaller, I'm guessing she is all for giving up this subsidy for her home state? In all seriousness, maybe that is a good idea, but I'm going to wager that most of the heated conservatives in these states don't understand the implications of what they are supporting.

I know this is only a small part of a very complex issue that I've oversimplified quite a bit. However, when you lay the data out this way, it may not be what you expect....

A PTU Perspective on the Debt Ceiling Crisis

By now there is no way you've escaped the dire warnings about the world ending on August 2nd if the U.S. debt ceiling isn't raised. This is a complicated issue, and I certainly don't have the answer because if I did I'd be doing something much more valuable for humanity then pasting Scrooge McDuck into my PTU blog post. That being said, I'm getting a bit fed up with the ass clowns that aren't doing their job in DC.

Let's take a look at the two competing plans out there right now. Pretend you are drunk and playing Megatouch at the local dive...what is different between these two pictures (graphic is from the WSJ)



In my opinion, NOTHING worthwhile. To begin with I learned recently that one congress cannot bind another. This means that whatever kind of caps and crap they put in place, real fiscal reductions are only guaranteed for '12 and '13. Both plans leave a lot of room for imagination....what the hell is "at least 1.8 trillion to be named later". Is this a baseball trade? For the most part both these plans seem to kick the real hard choices down the road, which isn't surprising given the way our politicians like to operate.

While there is certainly a benefit to balancing the budget, certain schools of economic thought would alos question the wisdom of doing this now. The economy is barely sputtering along and the employment and housing markets aren't looking so great. While at some point we are going to have to get our house in order, doing it right now runs the risk of some really negative impacts on the economy which might take some time to clear up. I'm not sure all the Tea Party fanatics out there really have a firm grasp on these risks.

The real problem is that both parties are mixing ideology with economics. The Democrats want to ensure that NOTHING gets touched in Social Security or Medicare. The Republicans want to make sure that little Suzy doesn't have her taxes raised too much so that she can still fly to summer camp on a private jet. Long term if we really want to correct things, everyone is going to have to give something up. Poor people are going to have to expect cuts in their entitlements, and the rich are going to have to pay more in taxes. We may have to decide we can't help every backward ass country that has some dickhead dictator ruining everything. The point is that we will all have to accept some sacrifices, and our representatives in D.C. need to stop being a bunch of 5 year old babies and get this done. While I don't believe the global economy will collapse due to a partial U.S. default on debt, it will certainly do a good deal of damage to our global reputation as well as the value of the dollar.

Maybe the people involved in the NFL labor negotiations should stop down and D.C. since somehow they managed to find a way to compromise. Oh well, at least this fall when the economy is collapsing I can still watch football.

Who Would Be Afraid of This Man?

I realize I'm a little late to the party on this one (I blame Google's malfunctioning rather than my own laziness since I'll never have another chance to say that) but I wanted to say a word on the hilariously misguided anger of Fox News and other misinformed conservative types who were critical of Common's invitation to perform at the White House.

First off, Common is not a gangsta rapper. In fact, he is probably the most boring of a very boring sub-genre of rap often referred to as "Conscious rap", that basically stands in stark contrast to gangsta rap. Performers of this type of easy listening hip hop specialize in songs about the beauty of black women, loving each other, being a vegan and other positive topics that white liberal arts majors enjoy. Common makes music that someone's grandmother could listen to, or even a middle aged first lady. The main argument here, I suppose, is a song from Common's otherwise controversy-free album, "Like Water for Chocolate" (yes, that is what it's called) entitled "A Song for Assata". The song is basically an ode to Assata Shakur, Tupac's god-mother and favorite political cause of black thinkers and ass-hole celebrities. A former black panther who went to jail on a charge of murdering a police officer, much to the chagrin of political activist types, who charge racial bias and extreme mistreatment as well as a railroaded case to imprison a Panther. Needless to say, this isn't Ice-T doing a performance of "Cop Killer" at an Obama family cook out.

So why is Sarah Palin so mad about this? Because that's what she does, and that's what a good amount of political talking heads do. These are the same people who criticize a campaign to get children to eat healthy. Seriously. Obama could find Osama Bin Laden, and they would find something to criticize him about, which he did and they then did. And it happens on both sides. I was no fan of Bush, but after a while, criticisms take on a life of their own, and people can't separate political ideology from their hatred of a man. Common made a song that I'm sure no one protested when it was released more than a decade ago, but because an Obama likes him, he's a hateful, cop-killer loving, threat to our nation. I can't defend the social merit of a lot of hip hop, but people picked the wrong target this time.

Below, is an example of what kind of performer Common is and what Sean Hannity is so afraid of:

Bin Laden Finally Dead

Osama Bin Laden is finally dead. Reports have surfaced that he's actually been dead for about a week (maybe since Easter Sunday) but the confirmation didn't happen until tonight.

What does this mean for the future of America? No one knows for sure, but as has already been articulated by all of the news outlets and social media networks, this is a huge symbolic moment for the United States. No matter what people's political beliefs are, Bin Laden's ugly mug was the face of not just the enemies of the U.S. (of which there are many) but the inability (possibly due to incompetence) to stop them. The "war on terror" itself has been criticized since the beginning and a spooky bogey man hiding in a cave was the perfect symbol for both the seeming never ending war and the some what murky reasoning behind it. The fact that he released videos about as often as Lady Gaga only led to the collective frustration and conspiracy theories. The cynic in me wants to find doubt in "the death of Bin Laden", mostly because a symbolic moment like this popping up a few months before the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 seems almost too perfect and most of us have been conditioned to greet any type of big moment (especially one that could involve patriotism) with a raised eye brow but, as a New Yorker who was here 10 years ago and has many friends who work as firemen, police or are in the armed services: I'm happy Bin Laden is dead. Whether or not he ever existed, or "the death of Bin Laden" is a huge hoax cooked up by the American government behind closed doors somewhere, and even though this will no doubt lead to some type of retaliation here or abroad; I'm glad the symbol or the actual man is dead. It's a step towards turning the page on that awful moment. So, Bin Laden, the man, the symbol and everything you represented:

Rest in piss, you piece of shit. I hope you rot in hell, cocksucker.

Donald Trump: Still A Douche Bag

This guy is the symbol of everything that is wrong with politics. I don't even mean his own politics, but the fact that Donald Trump is even in the discussion is an indictment of not just the sad state of the Republican party but of the political discourse in America. For the last 20 years or so, The Donald has been a joke. A strange looking, loud mouth with a proudly awful hair cut that is more successful at branding himself (albeit impressively) than as a real estate mogul. There are thousands of more successful people in his field (many of his properties have declared bankruptcy), but none are as good as him at getting their name put on almost every building in a city and promoting themselves. His reality show and outspoken ways are what made him so famous (and even more rich) despite the fact that he's the embodiment of the "born on third and thought he hit a triple" saying.

So why is this clown some how near the top of certain polls of GOP presidential candidates for 2012?

Let Them Gamble!!

I'm not a gambler and I think my gambling addict friends are a little weird when they sit around and play 5 online tournaments at the same time. However, I think it is a complete waste of government time and money to shut down all the online poker sites in the U.S. and seize everyones money. I'm not sure why the government hasn't figured out that you can't legislate morality, but people are going to gamble regardless, and trying to stop them is a fruitless waste of money. How are my friends supposed to live without that annoying sound the computer makes when they shuffle the cards?

While we are at it, I'm going to make the case we should legalize most drugs and prostitution as well. People have been smoking rock, paying for yamming action, and gambling for thousands of years. Why fight nature? In today's economic environment, it seems like an even better idea to legalize, regulate, and tax the hell out of these three things.

People concerned that teenagers are going to start shooting heroin and banging prostitutes in increased numbers should realize that legalization and regulation would probably cut back on the availability of this stuff among minors. When I was at college and 17 years old, I had to walk a mile in the snow with a bad fake ID to get a six pack of Natty ice. The liquor store was even tougher to crack. But if I wanted a dime bag of weed I could make a phone call at any time and have it delivered to my room in ten minutes. The illegal stuff bypassed the system and was much easier to get.

A quick look at some rough numbers indicates that on an annual basis, the U.S. tax payer would save about 100 billion dollars if we legalized all three of these things. This includes the savings from getting rid of enforcement as well as the benefit of taxing these things at a rate similar to alcohol and tobacco.

What do you think, shouldn't we stop wasting time and money trying to repress human nature?

The Heterosexual Man's Case for Gay Marriage - Gay Weddings

Despite the popularity of Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, and Glee, gay marriage remains a hotly contested issue in this country. Why American enjoy gay things so much, and continue to oppose gay marriage is beyond me. As the California Supreme Court and Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals continue to grapple with the constitutionality of Proposition Eight, hope springs anew for gay marriage in New York. In recent closed door meetings, Governor Andrew Cuomo has reportedly promised to use his own political popularity and prestige to push for the legalization of gay marriage in New York; putting his own ass on the line for the LBGT community. Whether this potential gambit of Cuomo's succeeds or ends with him sitting on a foam doughnut remains to be seen.

Now, many reasonable arguments have been advanced in support of gay marriage, and few, if any, have been offered against. At times, an economic argument has been offered in support of extending the institution to same-sex couples. Basically, the argument is that states that legalize gay marriage will receive the economic benefit off gay marriages being held within the state. Typically, to be married in a state, at least one of the grooms or brides, must be a resident in the state for at least several months. New York could see a population boom as a result of legalizing gay marriage. This argument is particularly compelling when one considers recent Census data, which shows New York's population is not growing at the pace of other the most populace states. As a result, New York stands to lose several seats in Congress.

As compelling as this argument is, I believe that gay weddings offer the most compelling reason for New Yorkers to get behind gay marriage. Now, everyone knows that weddings are one of the best places to get some. Everybody drinks a lot and has hotel room, plus they're dying to get out of whatever uncomfortable outfit they're in. You can try to hook up with someone you've know for years or someone you just met. The booze, the dancing, the whole thing is just geared to making hook-ups happen. Hey, they made a whole movie about guys trying to get laid at weddings, so it must be true.

Now, gay dudes know lots of straight girls. And you know a straight girl that's hanging with gay dudes probably doesn't have a boyfriend. Imagine what a gay wedding would be like for a straight dude. It would be like a being a fat kid at a buffet. You wouldn't know where to begin. You'd just stare there, plate in hand, with a massive food boner. And you know what gay dudes don't have a lot of? Straight guy friends. So, less competition for the lucky few. Gay weddings could be the first dates of future heterosexual marriages. Additional benefits of gay weddings include better music selections and choreographed dance sequences.

Bottle Gets His CUNY Professor On

During a heated email exchange today Bottle started spewing idealistic arguments about ethical government and how there is no need for oil. While I admire his Utopian ideals, I don't think they are realistic. We didn't want all this good material to go to waste here are some highlights...

Point-Counterpoint:

• Obama is doing a shitty job and deserves to not be re-elected at this point. 

So what do you think McCain and Palin would have done differently that would be better?

• Obamacare and getting involved in Libya are his two big mistakes.  He sucks... he's not in touch with the needs of the country... you know I am not a liberal-hating conservative... I feel like a have a fair view of the issues and his agendas. And he's clearly a socialist and a fake Christian... the former matters, the latter I don't care about (although I believe it's true). 

But many of your personal viewpoints are compatible with Socialism....any of the unemployment checks you receive, school aid, all that stuff is by definition socialism.

• I'm not against socialist initiatives, I just don't like that he incorporates aspects of it into his agendas and then acts like everyone is crazy when they point it out.  It doesn't work to go half way, to try to incorporate progressive changes into the current system.  It isn't compatible. Maybe incremental changes but not the type of commie stuff he supports (and most Americans despise)

This directly contradicts your previous statement that he should have "gone all the way" instead of doing it half ass within the existing system.

• We definitely should not have bombed Libya, for so many reasons.  So you're saying that we went in strictly for oil.  That's not what Obama said.

There are lots of reasons not to bomb Libya, but our economy depends on oil too much. Would you be willing to pay $5 or $6 per gallon? The answer may be yes, but I don't think you fully understand the impact on the economy that oil has at the moment...right or wrong, it has dictated foreign policy in the middle east for many years.

• Obama pulled a Bush, then used liberal gibberish to support it. Moving to Canada gets more appealing every day.  You don't have to deal with nonsense like this... you have your health benefits covered and lap dances are $12... too bad it's so cold there.
  

Luckily I was able to selectively edit this to my liking, so many of bottle's comments are taken somewhat out of context to make him look like a whiny liberal. 

Obama Blows Worse than Baby Showers

I feel like I've been fair. I've given Obama some time to operate as president before I passed judgement. I partially supported him before but now I can officially say: he really sucks. I'm voting Republican next election unless they run some real loser asshole.

Obamacare and getting involved in Libya are his two big mistakes. He sucks, he's not in touch with the needs of the country. I am not a liberal-hating conservative but he's clearly a socialist and a fake Christian... the former matters, the latter I don't care about (although I believe it's true).

Obamacare is a quasi-socialist agenda that he's trying to sell as consistent with the needs of the country. It's not. I would like univeral healthcare but it would take sweeping reforms... and if we decide to make those changes, it should probably be done when the economy is doing a little better.


I'm not against socialist initiatives, I just don't like that he incorporates aspects of it into his agendas and then goes and acts like everyone is crazy when they point it out. It doesn't work to go half way, to try to incorporate progressive changes into the current system (maybe incremental changes but not the type of commie stuff he supports and most Americans despise). It isn't compatible.

As told by Bottle