Why do People Want to Vote for Someone as Dumb as They Are?

I'm not a very political person. I don't like to discuss politics as a rule, since I've come to realize that every person has their own ideals which they are not going to budge on, and there are no absolutes when it comes to personal politics. A person on the right of a topic will have just as many supporting statistics and arguments as the guy on the left. Something I do kind of enjoy, though, is people talking about politics, and the way that political campaigns are projected on the masses. As skeptical as I am of any one person changing the direction of society, I'm just as fascinated by the diehard liberal or right wing conservative. One aspect of political blindess that I find particularly stupid is the embracing of candidates who represent the "common man", ya know that regular joe who sounds just like you and me. He's not held down by fancy educations and elitist ideas, he's a real salt of the earth type fella. Like inexplicable republican hero Herman Cain.

Even someone like me who avoids CNN and MSNBC and Fox News like the plague can tell you the details of the ups and downs of Cain's campaign for President thus far. He used to be the head of a pizza company no one on the East coast has heard of, then skyrocketed to stardom seemingly overnight through folksy, crowd pleasing debate answers, has a catchy nonsensical "9 9 9" financial plan and has recently had more sexual harrasment charges than the Park Slope groper. He's apparently been around for a while, but I'd bet my Christmas bonus against anyone of you being able to pick him out of a lineup 4 months ago, let alone pegging him as the next leader of the free world. He's gone from token Black Republican to leader of the polls. How is ol' Horny Herman somehow leading the pack ahead of proven household name white guys in the GOP field? Well, he reminds a lot of voters of themselves. Not that most Republicans are middle aged black guys with wispy moustaches, but he's cast himself as the "anti-Beltway" candidate. A regular guy who just wants to get the Country back on track. Take his recent answer to an inquiry on Uzbekistan: Cain said he doesn't need to know about "uzi uzi becky becky stan stan". To him, that's some other country with a funny name that has no affect on the average American. When Letterman brought this up to Cain on Friday's appearance on the Late Show, he said something like "David, there's over 200 countries in the world. I can't know all of them". And then he went back into his "the American people want jobs, blah blah" bullshit and his 9 9 9 thing again. Why doesn't this cause people alarm? I'll be honest, I know nothing about Uzbekistan or most other "stans" but the difference is I'm not running for office. I wouldn't want someone like me running the country. I couldn't even run a fantasy football leauge. Why do so many people want someone just like them running the country? Wouldn't you want the absolute smartest person in charge of your country? Shouldn't he have at least a basic grasp of foreign affairs? Unfortunatelty, if you asked a great many voters, the answers to those questions would be "who gives a hoot? get off my lawn commie" or something like that, but believe me they don't care. Americans love someone they can identify with. One of the biggest criticisms of Obama is he's an out of touch liberal elitist who doesn't have the heart of the country , that is the hard working people of middle America, in his best interests. I don't want my President to look or sound anything like me. We're not all president material. The President should be an example of the best we have to offer in this country, when other countries think of America they should think of intelligence, strength and bravery not some shmuck who can't pronounce Uzbekistan and is proud of it. Woody Allen said he wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have him as a member, and I don't want to be part of a country that would have a President as dumb as I am.

PTU Guide to Republicans by Snoot and Bagels: Part 1 of 2

This is a PTU two part political special.

During a conversation today Johnny Bagels made a distinction regarding the types of Republicans working in his office, noting that they were "old money sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans". It was at this point that we realized we both enjoy fitting people into narrowly defined political stereotypes. Here is the official PTU Guide to Republicans (don't worry, we hate on all sides equally. Democrats will be coming soon).

Old Money Sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans
These guys are a dying breed (there are no women in this group). They have a ton of money and like being isolated from the proletariat. Not usually loud and flashy, they hate most people and keep to themselves unless inside the confines of their elite clubs. Kind of guys that talk PC in public and then run to the Yacht club to bash minorities while drinking 30 year old scotch. Usually involved in some type of business that either destroys the environment or kills people like oil or defense contract work.

Prime Examples: Koch Brothers, Dick Cheney.

Crazy Fires Of Hell Bible Belt Republicans
This group has gotten popular in recent months due to publicity for candidates likes Michelle Bachmann. Rather then worry about things like the economy or the wars we have going on, their main goal is ruin the lives of gay people, pretend their kids won't have sex until marriage (Mrs. Palin), and argue that God made people out of Play-Dough. A great quote from Michelle sums it all up" Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that."


Prime Examples: Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum.

Good Old Racist Republicans
No one typifies this group more then gold old Strom Thurmond. He is best known for doing everything he could to hold down those pesky minorities during his long career, at least when he wasn't getting his black maid knocked up at 16. At least because of his good Christian heart he passed her some money under the table. More recently, Pat Buchanan has stepped into the spotlight as the new leader of this group with his new book. Among other things, he longs for the joy and tranquility of segregation "Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and ture. We were one nation. We were Americans.
Prime Examples: Strom Thurmond, Pat Buchanan

New Money Hedge Fund Asshole Republicans

Perhaps the most reviled breed of Republican, and often the spawn of William F. Buckley Republicans. When the elite send their kids into finance training at an early age to groom them for dominance, this is what you get. They don't really share in any of the ideals or care about social issues, they just have no empathy for other humans and want to make sure the government doesn't take any of their money. They are often at odds with the Fires of Hell Republicans because they spend their one night off getting bottle service at whatever snooty club is the flavor of the week after which they bang lots of chicks who are in town for a modeling gig. Despite their sometimes awful appearance, they usually land a hot trophy wife and put her up in a nice house in the suburbs while banging their admins back in city.

Prime Examples: Steve Cohen, This Guy

Civil Service Workers and Old Italian and Irish Republicans

Not as offensive (to me at least) as the old money or racist redneck sect of the GOP but maybe the most prevalent type in the outer boroughs. These are the guys who probably shouldn't vote Republican if they really thought about it (why do they care if millionaires pay more taxes?), some are even in unions but they just can't get past the thought of voting the same way as a long haired hippie from Bushwick. Usually, these guys work as cops or for Sanitation and enjoy good ol' fashioned red blooded American activities like watching the NFL on Sundays at Bean Post, eating steak and being weary of foreigners. There's a lot of crossover here with the old white guys who used to dominate New York (they hang out in a lot of the same places and work the same jobs), the Italians and Irish who remember when Brooklyn wasn't full of camel jockeys and hipster artist types. They don't understand why silly brown people can't pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make enough money to buy a house in Dyker Heights like their immigrant grandparents did. They would vote for a pile of laundry before they voted for someone named Barack Obama.

Prime Examples: Bay Ridge and Long Island Cops. Danny Aiello.