Knicks Season is over

Above is a graphic representation of the Knicks this season.

Dunk Contest Memories with the Knicks

The NBA's premiere weekend is here and it's really not very exciting. It's always been a fairly ridiculous event, the allstar game and it's accompanying BS, but over the past decade it's really gotten silly. The game itself has devolved into less than a glorified pick up game. At least in a pick up game, both teams are still playing hard to win. It's more like 24 hung over guys goofin around and showing off for a couple hours, because that's exactly what it is. And the dunk contest and 3 point shootouts (once the centerpiece of All star weekend) have steadily declined as all of the big names refuse to participate. I don't care how good they are at dunking, nobody cares to see Jeremy Evans and Terrance Ross (two guys so bad they don't even get playing time for Utah and Toronto) battle it out. Nevertheless, the show must go on and this year All star weekend will be just crawling with Knickerbockers. You have Melo and Chandler in the big game, as well as Novak in the 3 point shootout and James "Flight" White fittingly participating in the no-name dunk contest. The Knicks have had quite a few guys dunking for Sprite throughout the years, though, some memorable and some not so much.

Doug Christie (1996)

Everyone remembers Doug Christie as a key member of the exciting Sacramento Kings teams of the early 2000s and for being a pussy whipped loser but most people forget his tenure with the orange and blue. Not much came of his time here, but he was in a dunk contest. 1996 was a weird time for dunking right before Vinsanity and after the glory days of the 80s when people were trying to do things like kicking it to themselves like Doug does here. This video is fun to see Patrick Ewing looking very excited, Kenny Smith in an amazing shirt and Reggie Miller choking himself in anticipation. The bounce between the legs off the backboard dunk was actually a Kenny Smith original.

Kenny Walker (1989) (Champion '89)

Kenny "Sky" Walker was a fan favorite in the late 80s for the knicks and it's easy to see why. He had the smoothest flat top (sorry Shumpert), and even rocked a gold chain during the contest ala MJ. He kind of looks like a skinny Heavy D. This one here was the winner, and it might not look so great now because, well, everything's been done now. You can tell by the reaction from Steve "Snapper" Jones and the crowd in the clip that this wasn't something that they were used to seeing. That's the thing about the 80s dunk contests, all this stuff was brand new. Nowadays, the average street baller could do half the shit Larry Nance could but back then it was pretty special. Anyway, Sky Walker was a cool guy.

John Starks (1992)

I'm not really sure how Starks snuck into the 92 contest as this was more than a year before his famous dunk against the Bulls and he really only had two types of in game dunks (either a side arm one hander or a two hand double pump reverse dunk) but here he is. Overall, 92 was a pretty good contest that included a pre back injury Grandmama, Plastic Man Stacey Augmon and most memorably Cedric Ceballos dunking while blindfolded (although legend has it he could see just fine the whole time). Starks's performance here is pretty boring (as such there's no standalone clips of it on YouTube) despite how excited Ewing is here. Check out those specs on Pat! You get the feeling that Ewing was just happy to have any of his teammates at All star weekend during the nineties with him.

Gerald Wilkins (1986, '87)

Aside from Peyton and Eli, athlete brothers are almost always unevenly matched. Brook and Robin Lopez, Horace and Harvey Grant, JR and his brother Chris Smith, Blake Griffin and whatever his brother's name is, Jason and Jeremy Giambi. And the Wilkins bros were no exception, as Dominique is one of the 50 greatest players ever and Gerald is known for being a self proclaimed Jordan stopper and failing miserably. Still, Gerald had a good couple years as a Knick and stood out as a high flyer. Good luck finding video of his dunk contests, but here's some highlights of his time with the Knicks and Cavs.

Nate Robinson (2006-2010) (Champion 06-08, '10)

Lil' Nate's a strange case. He should by all means be a fan favorite wherever he goes, and he's usually well liked especially by kids who can identify with his tiny stature, but he inevitably causes fan bases and coaches to hate him by the time he is ushered out of town. I don't know too many Knicks fans who were upset to see Nate go a few years back, and it's testament to how stupidly he could play and act that fans could turn on a guy who's under 6 feet like that. Still, that height is what propelled to him 3 dunk contest championships which is pretty much all the Knicks ever won from 06-10. His wins were somewhat tainted by how many attempts he would need for some of his dunks but dunking over fellow midget Spud Webb was a nice touch.

How will Flight White fare tomorrow? He's the odds on favorite to win it as of Friday afternoon, meaning the competition is not exactly stiff seeing as how he's a 30 year old journeyman who has maybe dunked twice all season. However it ends, expect to hear Kenny Smith lose his shit at least 7 times, and someone to proclaim the dunk contest is back. Also expect to hear Barkley poke fun at how unknown everyone is and there to be at least one celebrity used as a prop by one of the dunkers. See ya in Houston, everyone.

So Long, Bradshaw and Boley

In cost-cutting maneuvers, the Giants released three of their veteran players this week: Michael Boley, Chris Canty and (maybe most surprisingly) Ahmad Bradshaw. After last week's second half of the season it was inevitable that some heads would roll, but few had envisioned one of those heads to be the team's number one running back Bradshaw. David Wilson flipped his way into the hearts of Giants fans this season but it's still unexpected. For his part, Bradshaw's handled the move with class and even hinted that he'd be open to returning for a lesser salary. Whatever ends up happening between now and September, let's take a look at the two most memorable moments in the Bradshaw and Boley era.

Bradshaw's unintentional game winning ass TD in 2011

 

and the greatest moment in Boley's career and worst moment in that poor bastard's life

 

 

 

and here's Chris Canty playing golf

 

 

 

Happy Belated Birthday, Hov; Top 5 Jay-z Verses

Bagels' Note: I originally started this on Jay-z's actual birthday, December 4th, but got sidetracked with other stuff. Figured I might as well let it go now:

It's been said time and again, and with good reason, that hip hop is a young man's game. Like basketball and most other sports, the rap world is no country for old men. This is true for a number of reasons (the average age of rap fans, erosion  of skills) but there are a few exceptions, chiefly everyone's favorite minority basketball owner, Brooklyn's own Shawn Carter aka Jay-z. Hov's been going hard for nearly 20 years now, something unheard of in modern music, let alone hip hop. It's safe to say that he's lost a tick off his fastball, but is still light years ahead of most of his much younger competition, never mind those other veterans his age still grasping to what's left of their career. Today is Jay's birthday (!), and in honor of this occasion we present the top 5 Jay-z verses of all time.  I limited myself to only 2 verses from Reasonable Doubt since I could've basically made that entire album his top 50 verses or whatever. Hov!

5) Where I'm From (second verse)- In My Lifetime Vol.1

Jay's done a few Brooklyn anthems (Hello Brooklyn, Brooklyn We Go Hard), but Where I'm From is by far the best (Brooklyn's Finest is great but isn't really about BK as much as just Biggie and Jay talking shit). It's one of the high points of any Jigga concert. Live, Jay cuts it off after "Who's the best emcee, Biggie, Jay-z or Nas" as a transition to what's usually a Biggie song, but the second verse is the highlight of this one.
I'm from the place where the chruch is the flakiest
And niggas is praying to god so long that they Atheist
Where you can't put your vest away and say you'll wear it tomorrow
Cause the day after we'll be saying, damn I was just with him yesterday
I'm a block away from hell, not enough shots away from straight shells
An ounce away from a triple beam still using a hand-held weight scale
Your laughing, you know the place well
Where the Liqour Store's and the base dwell
And Government, fuck Government, niggas polotic themselves

4) Empire State of Mind (third verse)- Blueprint 3

This is one of those songs that was so relentlessly played to death that it's easy to look past it's lyrics. I'll admit the first two verses are kind of lame aside from all the New York references, but the third verse is sneaky good. Even for what's essentially a party song and a somewhat corny NY standard now, Jay slips in some rather dark lyrics about the dangers for young women in big cities.

"Anna the Wintour gets cold, in vogue with your skin out"

3) Dead Presidents II (first verse)- Reasonable Doubt

As I mentioned before, Jay's lost a bit off his fastball so it goes without saying that the majority of his best verses come from his first couple albums. Of all the greatness on Reasonable Doubt, though, his best verses are reserved for the more "serious" tracks, like the number one and two verses on this list. It's hard to pick one from Dead Presidents but I'll go with the first verse (as you can tell there's a theme of melancholy complexity to my choices even if I like when he talks about money, cash, hoes too). I've said it before, but while Jay-z wasn't the first guy to rap about being a drug dealer or criminal, he was the first to really look at dealing drugs in a complex way, or even express any remorse for selling drugs to his own people (Biggie and NaS flirted with this type of thing but never really went past explaining that they sold crack because they were poor more or less). Even when he's talking about murder, it's in a far more poetic way than any rapper up to this point (or maybe since) is able to.

Fuck em, they hate a nigga lovin his life
In all possible ways, know the Feds is buggin my life
Hospital days, reflectin when my man laid up
On the Uptown high block he got his side sprayed up
I saw his life slippin, this is a minor set back
Yo, still in all we livin, just dream about the get back
That made him smile though his eyes said, "Pray for me"
I'll do you one better and slay these niggas faithfully
Murder is a tough thing to digest, it's a slow process
and I ain't got nothin but time.

2) Can I Live (Reasonable Doubt)

Another classic banger off Hov's debut. If you were to play this for that one lady who never heard of Jay-z and then played something off Blueprint 3 or a verse off Watch The Throne, they'd think that you were playing some kind of not so funny joke on them. The voices are similar but how could the same guy who rapped, also rap "No I'm not a virgin, I use my cojones"? It's the same guy but sometime along the way, Jay (like most rappers) either got lazy off his money or his brain eroded. Either way, you'll never hear him rap like this again.
I don't sleep, I'm tired, I feel wired like codeine, these days
a brother gotta admire me from four fiends away
My pain wish it was quick to see, from sellin 'caine
til brains was fried to a fricaissie, can't lie
At the time it never bothered me, at the bar
gettin my thug on properly, my squad and me
lack of respect for authority, laughin hard
Happy to be escapin poverty, however brief
I know this game got valleys and peaks, expectation
for droughts, for precipitation we stack chips, hardly
the youth I used to be, soon to see a mill'in
No more, Big Willie my game has grown prefer you call me William

Sheesh

1) D'evils (Reasonable Doubt)

I love this song. I tell everyone I know that this is the best ever Jay-z song, and here's the reasons: It has a beat by DJ Premier that doesn't really sound like a Primo beat but is still awesome and Jay raps about serious subjects without getting preachy or doing paint by number psycho babble like "I grew up around drug dealers, my environment made me what I am blah blah" (something he struggled to pull off later in his career) Great song.

We used to fight for building blocks
Now we fight for blocks with buildings that make a killing
The closest of friends when we first started
But grew apart as the money grew, and soon grew black-hearted
Thinking back when we first learned to use rubbers
He never learned so in turn I'm kidnapping his baby's mother
My hand around her collar, feeding her cheese
She said the taste of dollars was shitty so I fed her fifties
About his whereabouts I wasn't convinced
So I kept feeding her money 'til her shit started to make sense
Who could ever forsee, we used to stay up all night at slumber parties
now I'm trying to rock this bitch to sleep
All the years we were real close
Now I see his fears through her tears, know she's wishing we were still
close
Don't cry, it is to be

In time, I'll take away your miseries and make 'em mine, D'Evils...

Manti Te'o Is A Liar, a Sucker or Both

By now everyone's heard about Notre Dame star Manti Te'o's strange relationship history. While his motivations are still unknown (as is whether he was in on the dead girlfriend hoax or not), one thing is for certain: Te'o is a sucker. There's no other way to put it. If he was in on the hoax, he's a jerk who manufactured a story to drum up Heisman support and if he wasn't in on it, he might be the dumbest man who ever lived. We can forgive college aged kids for certain indiscretions like drunken shenanigans or what have you, but could a guy born in the 90s really be that dense and unfamiliar with technology to be duped like this? Even if he's a mormon?

If you somehow haven't heard yet (and if you're reading this you probably have) I'll quickly sum it up: Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o had claimed that his girlfriend had died of leukemia, this story made the rounds from Sports Illustrated to CNN to ESPN and the Today Show. It was seen as one of those inspiring stories that transcends sports and would eventually be made into a sappy tv-movie, possibly on Lifetime, starring The Rock as Te'o and Selena Gomez (or someone similarly ethnic) as his dying love who propelled him to new heights (the movie would end abruptly after the starting lineups were introduced at the BCS Championship game). Yesterday, it was revealed that his girlfriend wasn't really dead, and here's the kicker, she didn't even exist. It was all a hoax. The only question now is was Manti in on it, or just an idiot? Either way, he's an idiot. If he thought he could get away with a fabricated story of a dying girlfriend in this day and age, when websites like Deadspin exist for the purpose of breaking wacky stories like this (and their name takes on a new meaning today, I wonder if people just now hearing of Deadspin for the first time think that it's a website dedicated to fake death stories) then he's stupid. And if he believed he was carrying on a love affair with a Stanford student for 3 years, never actually met her, and then believed that she died, he is really, really stupid. I'm a few years older than this guy, but my generation is very familiar with social networks and technology, long distance relationships are made (if not easier) much more hands-on through things like Skype and Facetime. It's virtually impossible to not see a person who you are in a relationship with. He's also a minor celebrity who travelled a lot, there's no way he wouldn't have at least once, seen someone who claimed to be this girl. Was there someone masquerading as Lennay Kukua (a made up sounding name if I've ever heard one)? This is beginning to seem like Te'o was a pathological liar, seeing as how he also told his father that he met her at least once, and that she even visited them in Hawaii. I can't believe that anyone under the age of 30 is that gullible. I realize that there's plenty of suckers out there who've been scammed by people who say they are what they aren't on the internet, enough to sustain a film and MTV series. This whole thing just seems like Te'o was using a fictional story to get attention. He cooked up a scheme to milk sentiment from viewers and Heisman voters. Using death (even fake death) for your own personal gain, lying to millions. That's maybe even more of a sucker move than just being fooled by a prankster. Either way, he's a sucker.

The NBA All-Asshole Team

Kevin Garnett is King Asshole. This is well known in baskeball circles, and basically anywhere that he is well known. The whole world is realizing it now, though, following the events that transpired at the Garden last Monday. While shit talking is an accepted part of basketball and most sports (besides baseball where the "unwritten rules" are longer than the Bible), there are unspoken boundaries that everyone abides by when trying to get in an opponent's head. Everyone that is except for a few assholes like KG. Everyone knows from the playground to the pros, you keep spouses (or girlfriends), family, and kids (or other sensitive subjects like diseases) out of it. Now, saying someone's wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios isn't as bad as saying "happy mother's day" to a guy who's mother died a few years prior, but it's still a jerky move. Unsurprisingly, Garnett didn't really give much a reaction when Melo confronted him on the court, doing a backpedal move that was eerily reminiscent of Melo himself a few years ago, as he usually only shows some real fight when his opponent is at least a foot shorter, Euorpean or a combination of both. Of course, he's not the only asshole in the league, the Association is chock full of guys who deserve a kick in the nuts, or in the very least a place on the NBA All-Asshole Team.

Point Guard

Isiah Thomas

My hatred for this guy is well documented, but Zeke holds the rare distinction of being an a-hole throughout two generations of NBA basketball. Not only was he the biggest asshole on a team full of assholes, but he managed to be an even bigger dick in his transition to front office jobs. Let's start with his playing career though. It's often said that teams take on the personality of their best players and never was that more true than the Pistons of the 80s. Regarded now as an example of the "nastiness" that's required for successful NBA teams, the Bad Boys were really just more mind numbingly annoying than bad. This was a squad that featured Dennis Rodman, who even before he turned into a freak show was notoriously dirty and stupid, Joe Dumars, a quiet snake in the grass, Rick Mahorn whose known for two things, his big ass and his dirty play, and of course, Bill Laimbeer, a big White guy so reviled that it's a wonder he never played for the Celtics. He's now paying his penance as a WNBA coach, a hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. But steering the ship was Isiah. A man petty enough to encourage a freeze out of Michael Jordan in the all star game, and orchestrate a walk off the court without shaking hands after losing to the Bulls. He was such a prick, it's rumored MJ kept him off the original Dream team. His douche bag playing days were equalled if not surpassed by his career as an Executive and head coach. I won't get into everything shitty he did, but if you want to relive the horror, you can here.

Shooting Guard

Kobe Bryant/Reggie Miller

I'm always on #teamkobe. I've spent a better part of my adult life defending him to his legion of haters (a group that has dwindled with the emergence of LeBron James as the guy we love to loathe) but even I have to admit he's a really big asshole. His fans (like me) can always deflect the asshole accusations with "MJ was a jerk too" and "you have to be that way to be great" but that doesn't take away from the fact that Kobe may be one of the more obnoxious humans that ever lived, never mind picked up a basketball. Ever since his early days as a too big for his britches rookie, he's rubbed people the wrong way. And it's not surprising that he would grow into the immature person that he is now, seeing as how he was basically a child star (hard to be well adjusted when you take Brandy to your prom). Not only is he essentially impossible to play with, but he's also a possible snitch, a possible rapist and a definitely bad rapper.  His philosophy on being a leader is from the Jordan school of either berating your lesser teammates to the brink of tears or just ignoring them all together. He doesn't appear to have any friends (even Derek Fisher only barely tolerates him, and this is a guy who is probably his best friend) and he's now entered the latter stage of his career as one of those old black guys who says crazy things because he can ala Bill Cosby, MJ again, and Barkley.

As for Reggie, I couldn't make a list of NBA players who are assholes and leave off this ugly monkey. Known as much for his shooting ability as his flopping and showboating (him bowing to the Chicago crowd right before Toni Kukoc nails a buzzer beater is a pretty sweet video), Reggie may not have been a fake tough guy like KG, but that's only because he's a huge gaping pussy hole. He was annoying enough to goad hot heads like Starks and Jordan into wanting to kill and/or headbutt him, but I can guarantee he's never had a fight in his life. If you thought that he was unbearable when he played, though, just wait until you see him in his post playing life as a TNT "analyst". The classic example of an ex athlete hired because he is "well spoken" (i.e. talks White), Reggie makes more fuck ups when speaking than a drunk George W. Bush. On a channel that employs Shaq and Barkley, Reggie comes off as the dumbest ex player of all time. That's saying something.

Small Forward

Scottie Pippen

To be fair to Scottie, spending your career as the sidekick to the most iconic athlete of all time could turn anyone into a bit of an a-hole but Pip probably would've landed on this list regardless. On the court, Scottie did the type of stuff that lesser players would get suspended for routinely. Besides his tripping players from the ground, and generally being a jerk, what truly grants him entry into the A-hole HOF is his behavior during game 3 of the 94 semifinals against the Knicks. With the game tied and seemingly headed for OT, a pouting Pip sulked on the bench when he learned that the last play wasn't drawn up for him but Croatian sensation Toni Kukoc, who had already hit a few buzzer beaters that first Jordanless season. Now it's understood in the NBA that the franchise player will be the first option in the waning seconds but that's not an excuse to refuse to GO BACK IN like a baby. Kukoc hit the shot, and all was mostly forgiven for Scottie, but he'll always be an asshole to us.

Power Forward

Charles Barkley

Barkley's one of those guys who has a get out of jail free card with fans and the media. He's so outrageous that he can say anything that pops into his demented pea brain, and people will shrug it off as "Barkley being Barkley". He could open up the next Inside the NBA with "Kenneh, I really do not lahk Jews. I rilly don't. Let me tell ya somethin', my agent is a Jewish person, my accountant is also Jewish. But I just don't like them. They smell and are dirty people" and everyone would laugh it off as good ol' Chuck and his down south charm. Well, it's all bullshit. It's not that Charles is outrageous so he gets away with it like Howard Stern or Lenny Bruce or someone who's actually self aware and intelligent to know that what he's saying is controversial. It's just that he's really, really stupid. Maybe the dumbest ex athlete ever (and that is saying something). Sure, Sir Charles probably understands that a lot of what he says will rile people up (he's a first rate troll) but I also think he believes a lot of the nonsense he spews is actually smart. He worships Muhammed Ali but aside from speech pattern (which he imitates like Kobe imitates MJ), the two have nothing in common aside from the fact that they have the same number of NBA championship rings. Let us also not forget that he once claimed to be a Republican (because he was rich), threw a guy through a glass window and spit on a little girl.

(Also Kevin Garnett for the above reasons)

Center

And your starting asshole center is none other than.......

Shaquiiiilllleee O'neeeeal

The world's worst kept secret is that behind the goofy smile and dancing, Shaq is as big of an asshole as the current goofball center to go from Orlando to LA and call himself superman.  Let's start with the fact that he's played for more teams than any other Hall of Famer (I didn't research this statement but am assuming that it's correct). Like Taylor Swift and her many publicized break ups, after a while maybe you have to think it's you, big guy, not them. Shaq routinely showed up out of shape, occasionally resulting in lengthy injuries, beefed with multiple coaches and mostly coasted through a career off his physical dominance. It's no surprise that a sociopath gym rat like Kobe would clash with him. Shaq was too busy focusing on sucking at side ventures like being one of the worst rappers and actors of all time or attempting to be the world's doofiest sheriff. For Kazaam alone, he earns a spot on the asshole list. You might have noticed a trend developing here. Half of the guys on this list are now employed by Turner sports, and Shaq might be the most boring commentator of all time, adding absolutely nothing to a conversation.

Congrats to all of the inaugural inductees into the PTU Asshole Hall of Fame. You guys suck.

Things To Do on a January Sunday if you’re a Marxist

It’s that time of year when men who are “not into sports” hide away in their [legitimate] man-caves, albeit feeling illegitimate as a man. I should know, I've traditionally counted myself among their ranks.

It’s easy to spot one of us by The 3 tell-tale signs:

1. Shows up to the bar/party during an important and tense part of the game and thinks the silence indicates someone important just died.
2. Orders/Encourages shots before halftime.
3. Misuses valuable commercial-break time to try and have conversation about how much he hates the Kardashians. (This is actually 3 things in 1)

Here are some suggestions for the downtrodden

1. Plan a romantic Valentine’s Day
2. Go to the gym
3. Work on a hobby
4. Take the girlfriend…

…WAIT… Something does NOT feel right about this list…

Here are REALISTIC suggestions for the downtrodden

1. Host a Gameday party. 

No one will look at you weird for not knowing that the whos-a-whats are playing the what-cha-call-its during the AFC Championship because you’re catering to their nutritional vices. 

!!!COMBO BONUS!!! 

Play re-runs of Game of Thrones after the game/between games. 

(Skip Girls for the time being)

2. Learn to roll a cigar to impress them later.

3. Play a video game. 

!!!BLITZ COMBO BONUS!!! 

Host a TECMO-Bowl Tournament with the teams that will be playing that day.

4. Go Snowboarding.

5. Make up ridiculous facts that will inevitably start conversation. 

My personal favorite:

Did you know that the Miami Dolphins were named after Dolph Lundgren?

6. Last, but not least: Place Money on a game!

If you’re a highly adaptive rascal like me 
(how else can a Communist survive in America?),
you might consider betting on a game to get into it. Trust me. 
!This even works with golf! 
There’s no better motivator to learn something than thought of the mob leaving a horsehead on your newly purchased Temper-pedic.

!!!Oh, wait!!! What’s this???

!!A K.O. COMBO BONUS!!

A slight variant on this is to bet your girlfriend’s money to get her into watching the game as well. 

Side note:
Although there might be better ways to get your fling/girlfriend/spouse into a game, 
I wouldn’t know any of them. 
I don't wish to know of any of them either.
I’ve seen what happens to men who dabble in the dark arts.

Some of you may be thinking: 
“Marx, what if I’m someone who doesn't like any of those things listed like: partying, socializing, playing video games, joking around, or taking a mobster's money?”

My response to the Capitalist who says that would be: DUDE! Get a life.

Marxist. Out.

Whose Winning the Super Bowl

Well later on today Hater J should give you a good gambling guide on the playoffs games this weekend, but if your just interested in knowing whose going to win the super bowl well , no need to sit back or relax, I'm not going to bored you with formulas or details. The Team that's winning the super bowl is.



THE DENVER BRONCOS.

If you want to know who they are facing well here it is.

THE ATLANTA FALCONS

Enjoy the football games this Weekend.

NBA Quarterly Report: Big Surprises

We're now two months into the NBA season and it's been...how can I put this delicately? Not so fantastic. Yeah, if you live in New York it's been pretty cool so far. The Knicks are off to their best start since Biggie was still alive, and Brooklyn's new team has proven to be a solid (albeit boring) squad, and have already done their best to create a heated rivalry with both the Knicks and Celtics. But the cold, vast League Pass landscape is littered with nearly unwatchable teams stocked with players that only Rick Kamla has heard of or cares to know about. These teams range from merely dull to suicide inducing. Take it from gamblers such as me and Hater J. I've spent more time the past 4 weeks watching the Wizards and Blazers than any man should, just so I can keep an eye on my under. They should use footage of Lamarcus Aldridge flat footed "jump" shots in Gamblers Anonymous meetings. People wouldn't even buy scratch off tickets after a couple hours of that. But anyway, now that we've got a large enough sample size to pretty much see who's going to be a winner this year and who's going to be catching up on The Walking Dead reruns in May. What have been the biggest surprises thus far?

Surprises

Golden State:

 It's a shame that GSW has been so bad for so long. Miserable Knicks fans like to lament our patheticness to whoever has the misfortune of sitting next to us at the bar but the Knicks are the UCLA Bruins compared to the Warriors. This century the Warriors have exactly one playoff appearance (the miracle BELIEVE team of Baron Davis) and no all stars. They've been such a terrible franchise that the RUN TMC days of Mullin, Richmond and Hardaway are looked at as some kind of a dynasty when that team never made a conference finals. This is especially sad since the Warriors have maybe the best fanbase in all of sports. Knicks fans are often credited with being the most knowledgeable fan base in hoops, but Warriors fans might be the most blindingly loyal. Despite the years of losing, you will never once hear Warriors fans booing their home team. On the contrary, the Oracle is packed with rabid fans every game, it's more like a college atmosphere than anything else. Even after some bone headed moves in recent years (such as trading fan favorite Monta Ellis for, gulp, Andrew Bogut) Warriors home games remain the most exciting league pass watch. So, I'm happy that they're leading the division for the first time since...ever? I can't remember them ever being good enough to do that this deep into the season. Of course, the reason that they're near the top of the division is due in large part to the awful start by....

The Lakers:

That's right. The team that was supposed to storm through the regular season, breaking records and leaving battered opponents in their wake. The team that had some NBA fans ready to quit the sport since another super team had bought their way to a ring, the Lakers winning again. That team is under .500 and looks completely lost. Yes, we can look towards the 2010-11 Heat who started off around .500 before eventually righting the ship, making the Finals and then winning a title the next year. And Steve Nash has only played a game and a half so far (When Chris Duhon is logging big minutes for you, you're screwed), but even with that factored in, the Lakers should have at least 18 or 19 wins at this point. They were gifted a ridiculously easy schedule by David Stern and his schedule making "computer" (haha) but have done nothing but fall all over each other and mope around as they trudge through disheartening losses to the Pacers, Kings, Blazers, Cavs and (maybe worst of all) Dwight's old mates from Orlando. After an overreaction to a 1-4 start, the Lakers are now left with Mike "Aw Shucks those other guys are pretty good" D'Antoni and his moustache and Kobe screaming at officials and rolling his eyes at Jordan Hill. Top this all off with Pau Gasol looking like he's 102 years old and it's legitimately panic time in Hollywood. I'm sure they'll get it together somewhat by the end of the season and finish somewhere towards the top of the Western Conference, but right now it's downright ugly.

The Knicks:

Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise though? As I touched on earlier, we Knicks fans love to bellyache. And it's mostly justified. Our team has outright sucked for the better part of the past, oh, 40 years. This is despite the fact that the Knicks have more disposable income than this guy. We all know the horror that has been the Knicks decade of failure, so we won't dwell on that here. The good news is the Knicks are actually good this year. Really, not even like over reacting New york fans good (you know the people who thought Joba Chamberlain and Landry Fields would be perennial all stars.). They are an honest to goodness playoff team. In the east they're without a doubt a top 4 seed if not higher. That means they could be beginning the playoffs at MSG for the first time since they had guys on the team like Sprewell, Houston, Camby and Thomas but when Camby and Thomas were still solid NBA players. Knicks fans have, admittedly, gone a little nuts, but forgive us for being a little giddy. No one except for M@d $cientist saw this coming (he's actually disappointed that they didn't meet his pre season prediction of 12-3 through the first 15). I would've been happy with a 9-6 record and ecstatic with a 10-5 tally. So for the team to start out 11-4 (and then 12-4), well I'm as happy as Eddy Curry with a bag of donuts. Being a fan of an orange and blue team from New York, I'm conditioned to expect the worst. Beaten down Knicks fans feel like Wile E. Coyote right now, so close to catching that elusive road runner that is a successful team yet knowing that anvil is about to drop on our heads at any moment. In the meantime, though, please bear with us as we collectively lose our shit after every face meltingly awesome game. It's not just that the Knicks are winning games that they would have lost in previous years, but seemingly every week brings another win that is "the best Knicks win in years". The 20 point blow out against Miami (derided by some as a Sandy hangover game for, uh, the team who plays in Miami) was great, but the comeback in San Antonio was even more awesome. If that weren't enough, how about back to back buzzer beater win and 20 point blow out in Miami without Carmelo? It's enough to make even the most pessimistic of orange and blue diehards start clearing their schedules for June. Of course, as Linsanity has illustrated, even the most exciting stretches of basketball are temporary, and we might soon be complaining about the return of Amar'e messing up chemistry, and wistfully looking back on this first 6 weeks of the season similarly to how we look at that 6 weeks in February and March. But, for now, the Knickerbockers are absolutely killing it, and it feels good for a change to be a Knicks fan. Check back at the second quarter mark to see if it still feels so good.

What Makes Someone a "True" Laker or Yankee?

Kobe Bryant achieved another milestone in his long, illustrious career last night, entering the 30,000 club, an exclusive group of one name guys like Michael, Wilt, Kareem and, uh, Karl (Mailman sounds better). Besides proving that guys whose names start with K are really good at scoring (watch out for Kris Humphries), the other bond that most of this group shares is Lakers purple and gold. 4 out of the top 5 scorers in NBA history at some point wore purple and gold (Malone had his one forgettable year chasing a ring but it still counts). This fact inevitably brings up the top 5 all time Laker discussions. Trying to pick a top 5 for a franchise that has arguably had more talent in their uniforms than Hooters is tough goings though. And since we love to argue almost as much as we love top 5 lists here at PTU, this is a prime opportunity for an argument about top 5 lists. Both franchises are literally embarrassments of riches. Both have dominated their respective leagues for decades, and both attract both front running fans and ardent haters in equal amounts.  But what exactly makes a player a "great Yankee" or a "great Laker"? Can we call someone a "great blank" if they only played a few years for that team, or if they arrived as a player for hire out to get a ring? I say "yes" to both of those questions.

First off, let's get to the top 5s. For the Lakers, my top 5 in no particular order is Kobe, Magic, Kareem, Shaq and Jerry West.  Getting narrowly edged out is Wilt, Elgin Baylor and George Mikan (sorry, guys). My Yankee top 5 would be Mantle, Gehrig, Ruth, Dimaggio and Jeter. My apologies to Whitey Ford, Yogi, Scooter, Mariano, and Reggie Jackson. I didn't include Mr. October but our own Hater J left him off his list due to the fact that he doesn't consider him a "true Yankee". But what makes one player a "true Yankee" or Laker and one not? The way I see it, if a player had his best years wearing your jersey, he can be classified as a great for your organization regardless if he forced a trade to somewhere else or arrived via free agency. Most Los Angelinos won't remember Shaq rapping about how his ass tastes (thankfully), or an aging Shaq struggling to dunk in Boston or Cleveland. They'll remember him catching the lob from Kobe in game 7 against Portland, or scoring 60 on his birthday against the Clippers, or absolutely dominating three straight Finals from 00-02. You can't leave Shaq off the list of top Lakers just because it's impossible to name 5 guys who had as dominant a 5 year span in purple and gold as he did. Unlike say Kevin Garnett, who came to the Celtics after his prime, or A-Rod who has won MVP's in pinstripes but has mostly been hated by Yankee fans, Shaq played his prime years for the Lakers and won three titles (winning MVP each year). He is as much a true Laker as there ever will be.

Breaking News: Short White Guy Shoots over 100 Times

Last night a Division III guard by the name of Jack Taylor who plays for a school you've most likely never heard of made headlines by pouring in a ridiculous 138 points. Yes, that is a ridiculous number, but not as crazy as how he got to those points. He took 108 SHOTS!!! Let that sink in for a minute. The average NBA team as a whole shoots in the mid 80s for a game. That's a 48 minute nba game, as opposed to the standard 40 minute NCAA contest. The Mike D'antoni "7 seconds or less teams" wowed the NBA world by shooting over 100 shots a game. They played really fast, and were unconscious gunners. Can you even imagine one guy shooting that many times? All of the articles I've read say that Taylor had a rough shooting weekend so his coaches decided to give him the green light in order to, I guess, make him feel better about himself? Does he have some kind of terminal disease? Did his grandfather die at 108 years old yesterday? What kind of a sick world does Divison III hoops inhabit in which some clown can hoist up almost 3 shots a minute and not get beaten with soap in the locker room like he's Vincent D'Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket? Taylor also seems to be a delusional asshole judging by his post game comments (and I can imagine this was the first time Jack Taylor or anyone who has ever played for Grinell college has been approached for an interview so I suppose we can forgive him for trotting out the usual cliches but c'mon). ""There was a point during the second half where I hit a number of threes in a row -- maybe seven or eight -- I felt like anything I threw up was going in," Seriously, dude? You missed 56 times. You're accuracy last night was only slightly better than Mark Sanchez's completion percentage. You really felt like MJ in the 92 finals against the Blazers? I'm pretty sure anyone reading this could shoot 26 of 71 from 3 as well. This record is equivalent to Miguel Cabrera hitting 90 home runs this season, but he got 15 at bats a game. Adrian Peterson scored 20 TD's in one game, but the team never ran another play except running the ball, and instead of running clock they kept going for the end zone. I haven't seen many quotes from the opposing team but they couldn't have been happy with Grinnell and Taylor making a mockery of the game at their expense. When you're up by 70 maybe you can take the foot off the gas a little. He couldn't have stopped at 100? I've seen Kobe's 81 point game a few times. It seemed like Kobe shot the ball every time down court, after the game, Toronto players were criticized for not knocking him on his ass. Kobe shot 46 46 times. Taylor took 52 shots IN THE SECOND HALF. Much of the blame for this can go to the coach of Grinnell, a man who is essentially Mike D'Antoni on meth. He requires that the team shoot over 90 times a game, something that is pretty ridiculous in a 40 minute game.

Obviously, last night's debacle was designed to attract attention since one guy himself shot 108 times and it has just as obviously been successful (I just wrote two paragraphs about a Division 3 basketball game). . Detractors will brand people like me and other critics as cynical haters. "Why can't we be happy for the kid? It's not like he's some spoiled millionaire athletes padding his stats." But running up the score is poor sportsmanship in the pros, in D1, D2, D3 or D whatever. More than that though, it's just lame. Grinell has a history of attention seeking B.S. like this. It's ok to be happy for the kid, I guess, but let's not try to paint this kid as some kind of hero or superstar athlete. It's not a great athletic achievement, it's a side show.There's no joy in rigging a game in order to make a dumb record. By the way, another kid for the opposing team scored 70 points. He must be pissed.

Good Riddance, Mike Brown

The Mike Brown era is over, and while the future of the Lakers' super team is uncertain, one thing that is very certain is the Brown era will not be beloved in purple and gold history. From the beginning, it seemed like a bad idea, especially when you take into account the reports that Kobe wasn't consulted on the choice of the former Cavs' coach to fill Phil Jackson's gigantic Birkenstocks. Everyone knows at this point that Kobe is (to put it lightly) a tough guy to please, and not the easiest dude to get along with. Actually, he might be the toughest person in the world to get along with this side of Ann Coulter or 50 Cent. Nobody likes him, but coaches especially seem to have the types of relationships with him that people usually have with their proctologists. So since the Lakers are Kobe's team (and were even more so before last season) you probably want to run a couple resumes by him first before you go hiring anyone. Still, the Lakers ended up winning 50+ games, and getting a game off the eventual Western Conference champs in the playoffs under the Al Roker lookalike. This season, though, expectations are much different. After picking up a 2 time former MVP and some people's idea of the 2nd best player in the league, nothing short of a parade down Figueroa is acceptable. This isn't the job for a guy who rode the coat tails of LeBron to a coach of the year award. If a team that boasted that kind of star power played their home games in Newark, you'd need a high profile coach to lead them, never mind in Hollywood (not that a team in Newark could ever land those types of players, but you know what I mean). So today the inevitable happened, and the ax came down on the head coach, since you can't fire Antawn Jamison (although who wouldn't want to do that?). The Lakers have been bad by any standards thus far this season. Sure, you can talk about giving them time to gel, and repeat the fact that their big 4 have played about 5 quarters together this year, but the fact of the matter is the Lakers have won a grand, whopping total of 1 game since May. ONE GAME. That includes, regular season, preseason, postseason, pick up games in Metta World Peace's back yard, NBA 2k13 on Xbox, everything. This would be a slow start for the Bobcats, let a lone a team who some giddy analysts thought could win 70 games this season. Naysayers who point to the fact that Eric Spoelstra heard similar rumors of being fired a couple seasons ago before eventually turning things around should remember that this team doesn't have a couple seasons to turn things around. Bron, Wade and Bosh were and are still all in their 20s, while Nash and Kobe played their first games during the Clinton administration. This team was built to win now. And not with any goofy Princeton offense, and offense that was created so unathletic White political science majors could outsmart more athletic teams. Even if it was actually Kobe's idea to implement it, it has so far turned out to be a disaster and unsurprisingly so. Steve Nash is perhaps the greatest pick and roll point guard of all time, Pau Gasol is a gifted high post player, and Kobe is perhaps the greatest isolation scorer in history. Dwight Howard is a beast wherever he is on the court. Trying to force those guys into a gimmicky offense is insane. The NBA game isn't that complicated, you run a few pick and rolls, a few iso plays, toss in a couple other set plays and call it a night. The Princeton O worked in Sacramento because that team ran first and then used it as a secondary offense if the fast break didn't work, or the other team got back on defense. Also, the best Kings teams featured Vlade Divac and Chris Webber, two of the best passing big man in league history. Gasol and Dwight are decent passers (especially Gasol) but that's not their strong suits.

And the spotlight might burn bright in Miami but not as bright as it does in LA. As I mentioned earlier, a team like this needs a Riley, or Phil Jackson. Not Mike Brown. All signs point towards Mike D'Antoni coming in to pick up the pieces, much like he was intended to do after Isiah Thomas was finally relieved of his duties in New York. We know how that turned out, but at least for now, the situation seems to be a little different in LA. While Mike D. and Carmelo Anthony never got along, we know that Kobe respects him, even to the point of idolizing D'antoni as a youth growing up in Italy. D'Antoni (as hard as it is to believe) was like Jordan over there because of his smooth game and Italian last name. Kobe even chose to wear number 8 in honor of D'Antoni and whenever a D'antoni coached team would play the Lakers, they'd engage in some good natured Italian trash talk. And we already know about his history with Nash. This is far from a done deal, with Phil Jackson rumors flying, and everyone from Coach K to Jeff Van Gundy's name being thrown about. However the new coaching saga plays out here though, we can be sure of one thing. Firing Mike Brown was the right decision. It might seem like bad timing, but he never should have been hired in the first place.