PTU Guide to Republicans by Snoot and Bagels: Part 1 of 2

This is a PTU two part political special.

During a conversation today Johnny Bagels made a distinction regarding the types of Republicans working in his office, noting that they were "old money sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans". It was at this point that we realized we both enjoy fitting people into narrowly defined political stereotypes. Here is the official PTU Guide to Republicans (don't worry, we hate on all sides equally. Democrats will be coming soon).

Old Money Sophisticated William F. Buckley Republicans
These guys are a dying breed (there are no women in this group). They have a ton of money and like being isolated from the proletariat. Not usually loud and flashy, they hate most people and keep to themselves unless inside the confines of their elite clubs. Kind of guys that talk PC in public and then run to the Yacht club to bash minorities while drinking 30 year old scotch. Usually involved in some type of business that either destroys the environment or kills people like oil or defense contract work.

Prime Examples: Koch Brothers, Dick Cheney.

Crazy Fires Of Hell Bible Belt Republicans
This group has gotten popular in recent months due to publicity for candidates likes Michelle Bachmann. Rather then worry about things like the economy or the wars we have going on, their main goal is ruin the lives of gay people, pretend their kids won't have sex until marriage (Mrs. Palin), and argue that God made people out of Play-Dough. A great quote from Michelle sums it all up" Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that."


Prime Examples: Michelle Bachmann, Rick Santorum.

Good Old Racist Republicans
No one typifies this group more then gold old Strom Thurmond. He is best known for doing everything he could to hold down those pesky minorities during his long career, at least when he wasn't getting his black maid knocked up at 16. At least because of his good Christian heart he passed her some money under the table. More recently, Pat Buchanan has stepped into the spotlight as the new leader of this group with his new book. Among other things, he longs for the joy and tranquility of segregation "Back then, black and white lived apart, went to different schools and churches, played on different playgrounds, and went to different restaurants, bars, theaters, and soda fountains. But we shared a country and ture. We were one nation. We were Americans.
Prime Examples: Strom Thurmond, Pat Buchanan

New Money Hedge Fund Asshole Republicans

Perhaps the most reviled breed of Republican, and often the spawn of William F. Buckley Republicans. When the elite send their kids into finance training at an early age to groom them for dominance, this is what you get. They don't really share in any of the ideals or care about social issues, they just have no empathy for other humans and want to make sure the government doesn't take any of their money. They are often at odds with the Fires of Hell Republicans because they spend their one night off getting bottle service at whatever snooty club is the flavor of the week after which they bang lots of chicks who are in town for a modeling gig. Despite their sometimes awful appearance, they usually land a hot trophy wife and put her up in a nice house in the suburbs while banging their admins back in city.

Prime Examples: Steve Cohen, This Guy

Civil Service Workers and Old Italian and Irish Republicans

Not as offensive (to me at least) as the old money or racist redneck sect of the GOP but maybe the most prevalent type in the outer boroughs. These are the guys who probably shouldn't vote Republican if they really thought about it (why do they care if millionaires pay more taxes?), some are even in unions but they just can't get past the thought of voting the same way as a long haired hippie from Bushwick. Usually, these guys work as cops or for Sanitation and enjoy good ol' fashioned red blooded American activities like watching the NFL on Sundays at Bean Post, eating steak and being weary of foreigners. There's a lot of crossover here with the old white guys who used to dominate New York (they hang out in a lot of the same places and work the same jobs), the Italians and Irish who remember when Brooklyn wasn't full of camel jockeys and hipster artist types. They don't understand why silly brown people can't pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make enough money to buy a house in Dyker Heights like their immigrant grandparents did. They would vote for a pile of laundry before they voted for someone named Barack Obama.

Prime Examples: Bay Ridge and Long Island Cops. Danny Aiello.

Marrying Kim Kardashian: Good Career Move or Just Stupid?

The PTU staff is divided over quite a few things (baseball team allegiances, Wall Street protesters, Cam Newton, organic donuts) but maybe nothing inspires spirited (sometimes violent) debate in the PTU offices as Kim Kardashian. A couple of us think she's the hottest girl to walk the planet while the others consider her nothing more than a plastic whore with a saggy ass. A few days ago, Hater J and I almost came to E-blows over the merits of marrying Kim K. This isn't a question of "would you bang her?" or anything like that. Even the staunchest Kardashian opponent wouldn't kick her out of the bed. But moving past that, is the decision to wife her a wise business move or something only a sucker with an NBA contract would do? With the tragic news that has the nation in mourning today that Kim and Kris's wedded bliss has come to an abrupt end, let's face the question that's on every one's mind. To wife or not to wife Kim Kardashian?

The answer for me lies in how successful your athletic career is at the moment. For a guy like Reggie Bush - already an established name at the beginning of his professional career at the time of his hook up with KK - didn't need to put a ring on it to give himself a boost. And even after breaking up with her, he's maintained a decent career with a few lame endorsements despite playing in Hell. But for her most recent ex, Kris Humphries? This was a gold mine for him, a veritable cash cow. Think about it. He might be guilty of trying to change a hoe into a housewife but you had no idea who this ass clown was before he started dating Kimmy. I watched approximately 300 hours of NBA basketball a week before the lockout, and I was a bit fuzzy on the guy before he came to New Jersey. He has career numbers below those of Benoit Benjamin and the offensive touch of a man with artificial limbs. He was the ultimate nobody on a team that nobody cares about (even in their own home state). Can name recognition possibly be a bad thing for a guy this mind numbingly mediocre? No way. He also had his best statistical season by far last year, which could either be attributed to his new found fame and hot girlfriend or could just be another case of a guy playing great in a contract year. Either way, K Hump is now a household name, and not even in sports watching households, but all of your wives and girlfriends and mothers and sisters who read US weekly and watch E! know this guy. They don't know anyone else on the Nets but they know him. And even more than that, he's going to gain sympathy from being left by a fame hungry witch that most women are already on the fence about.

Of course, being recognized by housewives and sisters doesn't translate into fame and fortune or success on the court. But hitching your wagons to a famous train these days is the best option for a borderline athlete, even if it's a crazy train. Kardashian could be looking to match her hero Elizabeth Taylor's marriage mark, and at least he'll always be the first in that long, sad line. If that's not enough, then there's always Dancing with the Stars or Basketball Husbands. It's better than being Benoit Benjamin.

Happy Halloween! Johnny Bagel's Top 5 Goriest TV Moments

Halloween is pretty cool. It's the one holiday that stays consistently awesome through out your life. While Christmas is the shit when you're a tyke it eventually becomes nothing more than an expensive headache with the occasional awkward "holiday" party. Thanksgiving is a time of awkward family time and heartburn and don't even get me started on Valentine's day. Halloween, though, that just goes from o.k. to awesome with age. When you're a kid it's all candy corn and dressing like Raphael. During your rebellious teen years, it's eggs, shaving cream and mayhem (and maybe some candy still). And by the time you're old enough to drink it's nothing but drunken debauchery, girls dressed like sluts and even more candy. But the thing that sets Halloween apart from those other increasingly lame holidays is the scary stuff that comes with it, like Snoot and Bagel's favorite thing in the world: Gore! Yes, there's plenty more gory shows out there that I've never seen like The Walking Dead and Dexter, but whatever, these are my favorite. Happy Halloween everyone (and hopefully you're not eating lunch during this).

5) Chris Beats Michael's Step Dad to an Unrecognizable Pulp on The Wire

The Wire and Breaking Bad seem to be linked by most people as the two best shows of all time (closely followed by the Sopranos) but they had little in common besides intelligent shows that deal with the illegal drug trade and occasional hard to watch violence. Season 4 was chock full of shootings and execution style killings but this murder stands out from the rest due to it's brutality. Dispatched by Marlo to knock off new recruit Michael's mother's baby daddy (?), Chris flies off the handle at what we can assume is a shared memory of child molestation. He beats the guy until he looks like a wet paper towel.



4) Michael Tortures his Girlfriend's Baby's daddy on Brotherhood


Brotherhood was seen by almost nobody in the 3 seasons it aired from 2006-2008 (so few people that I couldn't even find video for this scene), which is too bad since it was a pretty good show that featured some strong acting, interesting plot lines and lots of ridiculously violent acts on the mean streets of ToughIrishmantown, New England (or Providence, Rhode Island). Loosely based on the real life story of Whitey Bulger (of Departed fame), the show revolved around Michael Caffey (seen above in his usual pose) and his brother being on opposite ends of the societal spectrum, one a rapidly rising congressman and the other a brutal criminal. Of course, being a post modern crime show on cable, we were supposed to see that THEY WEREN"T ALL THAT DIFFERENT (gasp). Anyway, the show ended with one of the more brutal character developments in TV history. While Walter White is being seen as the first truly evil character to be a protagonist, Michael broke some new ground in the series finale. While Tony Soprano may have done some truly despicable things, it was always grounded in some type of reasoning (usually faulty reasoning but reasoning nonetheless). Either it was to protect his family or the code that he adhered to as a member of La Cosa Nostra. Meanwhile, Michael Caffey just goes straight off the deep end, torturing his girlfriend's ex for much of the final episode of the series. This being a 2007 cable series, Michael was an allegory for the Bush Administration but it's still intensely painful to watch. Take my word for it.


3) Breaking Bad- Gus get's half his face blown off

PTU's favorite show went away for the Winter a couple weeks ago, but not before leaving us with one of the gorier moments in television history. Crystal Meth Kingpin and Fried Chicken entrepreneur had spent most of the 4th season being an emotionless terminator type so it was fitting that he would go out the way he did. Half of his face melted clean off, the ever fastidious Gus fixes his tie before slumping to the ground, a disgusting mess of a cyborg/man.

2) Boardwalk Empire-Eli Kills a guy and The Old Guy gets Scalped


In it's one and a half seasons on the air, Boardwalk Empire has already won numerous awards, critical praise and a devoted audience in the heralded HBO Sunday Night spot. It's also had it's fair share of blood letting. Boasting a number of Sopranos' alums in the cast and behind the scenes, it's no surprise that each episode serves up a tasty helping of splatter along with the requisite angst and psychological explorations of characters. While most of the violence had heretofore been confined to the usual gangster stuff, shootings, beatings, stabbings, etc. last week's episode ratcheted up the gore with one vicious beating and one scalping (a first for television I think). First, Nucky's brother Eli, in a drunken moment beats a main character to death with a wrench in a scene that makes the head stomping in Drive seem tame. And secondly, Jimmy and scary, misunderstood Richard get some vengeance on an old guy who patronizingly (and stupidly) underestimated Jimmy's gangster. Not a smart idea as he would soon learn (by having his brains exposed).

1) Phil Leotardo gets his head crushed

The finale of the Sopranos is of course best known for the sudden and controversial cut to black, but few remember the other shocking scene that took place just a few minutes earlier. The entire season (last 3 seasons really) had been building up to the showdown between Tony's crew and thick eye-browed villain Phil Leotardo, who had been systematically taking out the entire Soprano crew. Tony was a jerk, but Phil was a real, truly heartless dick who killed indiscriminately and without remorse. We all knew he would get his just desserts just like we all thought we'd see Tony get his (or not). Unlike the kick in the balls that was the final scene, we got revenge on Phil in about as graphic a way as possible, all the way down to the sickening crunch as we look at his oblivious grandbabies. Sick stuff. Maybe it's just as well we didn't see Tony get what he deserved.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Hater J's Week 8 Picks

Dolphins (+10) – Bye weeks are nice. For one week a season, Giants fans get reprieve from the disappointment associated with a loss to a team they should beat by two touchdowns, some bone head play (or non play) made by a super talented but super stupid wide out, or even an untimely INT from their polarizing QB. But now back to reality. The Giants are a good team with a lack of leadership. This is the type of game your head coach makes sure you're ready for and makes sure you win, especially with Rodgers and Brady coming up soon on the schedule. It's also the type of game the Giants choose to play to the level of competition and force fans to sweat out an ugly win. Take the points.

Titans (-8) – The fka Oilers got housed, at home, and are mighty pissed. The Colts are already taking Andrew Luck's measurements. This game can get really ugly, really quick.

Jags (+9.5) – The Texans are like the "Giants-South". A week after going on the road, dominating a division rival, and asserting themselves as the "team to beat in that division", is the perfect week for them to have a letdown. They get a lowly Jags team who secretly play good defense, play hard, and run the ball well. I'll take the points.

Vikings (+3.5) – Cam Newton gets stats and rarely wins. He's also starting to take a ton of hits now that teams are forcing him to run. The Vikings pass D is not great, but they'll double up Smith and give Jared Allen just enough time to introduce himself to Cam's ribs. The inaccurate Newton may ultimately get the win here, but I think he will make one mistake too many to win by more than a field goal.

Saints (-13) – The saints rarely cover on the road but they should be able to score 21+ points on the Rams. Does anyone trust the Rams and AJ Feely to score more than 7?

Cards (+12) – Joe Flacco sucks, a lot. The Cards are awful in the secondary, but if they avoid the pass interference offense that the Ravens employ, they should be able to hang around for a respectable loss.

Note> Flacco loves throwing the ball 50 yards up field hoping for a pass interference call. This usually comes after throwing 3-4 incomplete passes that look scarier than his eyebrows.

Redskins (+6) – Buffalo hates playing in Toronto (as they should). But they hate playing run defense. I don't like the Skins, but I hate laying 6 on a neutral field with a middle-of-the road team that plays bad run defense.

Lions (-3) – Unless Jesus Christ himself comes down from the stands and suits up in a Broncos uniform, I'm not picking them.

Steelers (+3) – Steelers have lost 5 of the last 6 against the Pats. You have to think the Steelers are due to win one at home, right?

49ers (-8.5) – Jim Harbaugh has his team focused. A home game, coming off a bye week, against the miserable Browns team should be a big win. Their head coach’s leadership makes this team the anti Giants.

Bengals (-3) – I don’t love this pick, but the bye was probably enough to get Andy Dalton ready for the noise at Seattle.

Cowboys (+3) – The Eagles can’t stop the run. Dallas just ran for over 250 yards. That’s enough for me to take the points

Chiefs (+3.5) – Can anyone explain how Norv Turner is in his 5th year as head coach of the Chargers? Marty Schottenheimer lead this team to a 14-2 record, lost to the Patriots in the AFC Championship game (when the Pats were still cheating and still winning those) and got fired. Norv can’t even get his team ready to run a decent 2 minute offense after a bye week. Screw you, Norv.

The College Run Down: Marshal -6, Clemson -3.5, Michigan St +4.5, Utah -5, Kansas St +13.6, Syracuse +3

Arkham City: More of a digital comic than a video game (Game Review)

In Arkham City you become the Dark Knight in every sense of the word, with the occasional disguise as Bruce Wayne.

The game's visuals are stunning and the environmental detail is amazing. As an appreciator of art and a fan of Batman, I was floored. The environments that one can explore are enhanced with a great soundtrack and a neat feature that's introduced at the beginning of the game: eavesdropping on the conversations of Arkham City's prisoner population. Everything about the game gives the impression that your partaking in something great, with one exception, the game-play.

Arkham City immerses the player in a universe that is subtly menacing. Criminals wax nostalgic about cutting people in half and assaulting powerless women, while at the same time fantasizing about rising to power via torturing Batman. It provides one with a solid rational as to why the Dark Knight is so dark and angry. At times you'll catch yourself in the middle of performing a morally questionable action, but any sense of repulsion is discarded once you remember what your goal is and who it is that's in the way of achieving that said goal. Like the Dark Knight, you'll be forced to examine your actions and even sometimes wonder what your own true motives are.

You'll break bones, cripple, and become the reason that criminals are afraid of the dark. You'll also go toe-to-toe with almost all of Gotham's most notable criminals - no matter how obscure they happen to be. On a personal note, Arkham City served a dual purpose: 1) Catch me up with the goings-on of the Batman world, and 2) allow me to re-visit what I had already known about the series (you can actually explore the alleyway where Bruce Wayne's parents were killed).

Arkham City is a massive game with what seems to be too much to do. It's main story is magnificent and has great voice actors lending their superb talent to the project. The one area that the game falls short in is combat and clumsy action controls. There were times that I meant to punch someone and ended up pushing a button that I was next to, resulting in me/Batman getting shredded with bullets from assault rifles. At other times I was making a hasty dash across roof-tops and instead of climbing a fence parkour style, I ended up rolling off of the roof. 

In game, the Bats seems to dole out punishment randomly with some criminals going down at the flick of wrist (Is Batman really that strong?) and others requiring about ~30 fist slams (Is Batman really that weak?). I'd pull away assault rifles from would be assailants with a grappling gun only to have them pull another gun out of thin air to continue firing at me. I'd try and stealthily take out watchmen one at a time only to have another watchmen instantly know that his comrade was down without even being close to the point of my attack. All these things added up and really made the Dark Knight seem like a clumsy baby on the battlefield. That being said though, combat was still relatively easy. Maybe too easy. I found myself many times foregoing the use of the many gadgets in Batman's arsenal (probably because of the clumsy controls and game-play), and just going fist first into a group of 12 henchman without a worry. Sure I'd get hit every now and then, but when I accidentally unlocked an achievement for racking up a 40 hit combo, I started to scratch my head (Aren't achievements supposed to be somewhat difficult to unlock?).

For all of these reasons I would claim that Arkham City feels more like an interactive comic than a video game. It's a story that you just so happen to be pacing with your play-style.

I give Arkham City 4 Sickles out of 5.

It's a game that pleases despite it's control issues.

Basil Marceaux.Com: Still The Funniest Man Alive

His 15 minutes of fame may have passed us by but DO NOT underestimate the genius that is Basil Marceaux.Com (he refers to himself with a .com moniker).  Here is a link to his new official blog.

He has run for office in the great state of Tennessee multiple times, and his main claim to fame was a feature on The Colbert Report and The Soup. Whenever I'm having a shitty day, I pull up some of these videos to cheer myself up. I've tried to collect some of the best below, but here are some of the wonderful quotes that Mr. Marceaux.Com has brought into the world.

• On crime and gun control "I’d like to recall all permit and registration for guns. Everyone carry guns. If you kill someone. No. You get murdered then you go to jail!. "So who am I to say Ima write an ammement to the constitution say, nutcase can't have guns, criminals can't have guns...The government has patriot missiles and we has sling shots."
• On the environment: "And, uh, I like to plant grass or vegetation across the state or any vacant lot and sell it for gas. So we can use it for our expenses."
• On illegal immigration: " I said what, in America, I was looking outside to see if they flying the Mexican flag out there. "We aim these little red things down the road every foot, uh every inch, put up an infared fence."
• On his sausage factory: "Maybe when I get my sausage goin, have these two people say Basil eat my meat, or maybe eat my sausage. But I need to have you know weird things stick out and give you make you history, what what what I'm an international celebrity."
• Traffic Stops: "I also want to stop traffic stops, set it up like the supreme court ruled, vanilla vs. Iowa. Can't find innocent car, you can't look."
• On Smoking Bans: "We got the smokers, even though that pack says it's going to kill us, if you look at their face they actually look enhanced. These two people are having the happiness to the maxinin."
• Renewable Energy:"By 2080 the whole southeastern United States is going to be a dry land just like Mexico...because of the sun flares...last night at 12 o'clock, yesterday, sun flares broke off sun, and came at us 1,000 miles an hour like Aruba's, came at 12 o'clock at night and no one even knew that. When that happens in 2040 to 2050, the solar panel's won't work anymore. Windmills will probably work as long as we can find enough wind to make them work."

Here is a pretty great youtube video with all the key highlights, including subtitles:

Finally, as the holiday season approaches, I leave you with "A Basil Marceaux Christmas".

Aaaand We're Back

The long, national nightmare is over. PTU has returned in all it's old glory, just how your grandparents remembered it. After numerous complaints from half of the PTU staff ranging from mild annoyance to problems with commenting to unbridled rage towards the inability to post and even navigate the frikkin' blog, we've returned to the classic look that America fell in love with back in February. Now that we've gone back to our classic, well known format you can expect many more exciting rants, gambling picks, lists and other stuff at a higher frequency. Enjoy!

Johnny Bagel's Perp Shoes of the Week: Huarache Edition

If you grew up in the 90s or you just saw ESPN's documentary earlier this year, you know that Michigan's Fab 5 were a cultural phenomenon. Four freshman that were young, brash and extremely influential on on and off court style from their baggy shorts to their sneakers. Those sneakers were (for the most part) classic Nikes, none more classic than the Huaraches.

The Huaraches have been modified throughout the years and have been rereleased in several different incarnations, most recently the Huarache 2k4's (of which I own a couple pairs). As is the case with most sneakers, or really anything that is recreated, the original is the best. They don't really look like any other basketball sneakers, and maybe that's what made them so cool. While most of the basketball world rocked Jordans or some generic Flights or Delta Forces back then, Webber and his boys wore a sneaker that looks like it should be worn just walking around town or maybe skateboarding, not leading a swaggering basketball revolution. Without a doubt, one of my favorite perp shoes of all time worn by some of my favorite players of my youth.

PTU Keeping it Real Hall of Fame: Delonte West

This is a long time coming. Everyone's favorite motherfucker is the Andre Dawson of the PTU keeping it real Hall of Fame, passed up by the likes of inferior real keepers like Rafer Alston and Miguel Cabrera. Today, though, he will get his just due as the realest dude in all of sports. What makes that skinny, tattoo covered ginger the poster boy for keeping it 100? Let's take a look at his highlight reel:

• Possibly banged his teammate's mother (which is usually very uncool) but that teammate was LeBron James (awesome)
• Was arrested with all types of weaponry on a motorcycle (including a sword and guns in guitar cases Desperado style)
• Blamed that arrest on Vicodin
• Applied at a Home Depot during the lockout
• Applied (and worked) at a furniture store during the lockout
• Purchased a White '94 Ford Bronco to get his OJ Simpson on
• Broke down in the middle of the road while driving said Bronco home and had to push it through the streets

This is just a small sample of the oeuvre of Delonte "keep it real" West. In fact, most people are ignorant to the fact that Delonte is actually an African phrase meaning "Keepin it real motherfucker" and never has there been a person more aptly named. His use of the phrase "OJ Style" is enough to earn him a spot in the PTUKIRHOF, but his continually awesome yet befuddling behavior is what cements his place in the immortal halls. Keep on fighting the power, Delonte.

Dark Souls: A study on challenge and thanatophobia (Game Review)

Dark Souls, the spiritual successor to the 2010 PS3 exclusive game Demon Souls, is a hearkening back of sorts to the games of old where you'd play a game for several days before moving past the first level. It's an action RPG type of game that touts itself as being the hardest game ever made. The producers even once considered making the game unbeatable.

Remember when beating a game meant something? When getting to the 8th level of Mario Brothers (without skipping levels or cheats) was something to be prideful of? When beating a game wasn't imminent? I do. I remember spending 1 year playing Ninja Gaiden II, shelving it for another year, pulling it back out and spending yet another year completing it. I remember spending 4 years playing Batman Returns for Sega Genesis before beating it (damn that game was hard). Games like this just don't exist in the volume that they used to. I'm not trying to sound old here, I'm just saying that I miss being challenged when playing a game. All too often games are dumbed to in order to "introduce the next generation of players to the field." But what about the seasoned veterans of the gaming culture? Dark Souls is the answer. 

Allow me to restate: Dark Souls is one hell of a difficult game, but only in comparison to the relatively easy games of today that tell you were to go, when to go, how to go, and only require you to press one button to do EVERYTHING (Yes, I'm talking about you Arkham City). That being said, for all of Dark Souls' difficulty, the reward for overcoming obstacles is awesome and great. As a game I praise it, but there's something more to the game than just playing it. I think it makes an important statement about life and death itself. As I mentioned before the producers didn't even want to make the game beatable at one point. What does this really say about the game?

SPOILER ALERT

Dark Souls is set in what is considered to be the "Third World." A world between life and death. An alternate dimension where souls travel to once a person dies. The Third World, to which light (a perversion of death) was brought long ago, is going dark. Ultimate death will soon consume all of the land.

Many of the souls/personalities that inhabit this Third World are twisted and corrupted because they have not been allowed to die - they are undead. Even the character you control is not immune to this effect; which incidentally makes for an interesting game-play device (when you die, you're revived at a checkpoint with all armor and weapons collected, but none of the experience collected that's needed to truly progress and become stronger). The true goal of the game is to die for good. But to achieve death you must not only beat the game, but beat the game under a certain condition: do not activate the last checkpoint in the game before the last boss. For if you do, you still fear death.

The game tries everything in it's power to psychologically break you down, to make you give up, to keep you "living". They want to "corrupt" you as they have stated in past interviews. The producers even hope in some way that you "keep living, wondering the world [they] made forever." As stated before, the goal of the game is death. The tag-line of the game is: "You WILL Die... Over and Over Again."


The game makes and interesting point in making this the ultimate goal of the game: The only way to PROPERLY die is to face death with confidence. They also make an interesting subtle point: To claim mastery over anything, you must suffer... repeatedly.

Death should not be feared, for it's a natural process in life. Perpetually living is the true thing to fear, for you will lose everything, even yourself eventually, if you do. In death, the promise of new life lingers. Death is life's change agent - It's needed to keep the world progressing, and in some sense it's also needed to progress through the game and ultimately "win."

I give this game 5 Sickles out of 5.

Don't Blame Beer. The Red Sox Just Sucked

There's been a bit of a non story floating around since last week regarding the Boston Red Sox and their wild drinking ways. As anyone who's half glanced at this blog before can tell you, we are no friend of Boston and it's sports teams, in particular the Red Sox. But we do love beer. And beer is not the problem with the 2011 Boston Red Sox nor is it the reason that they played like a Parkville team in September. As that t-shirt they sell outside of Yankee Stadium says: the Red Sox were never cursed, they just sucked for 86 years. And similarly, the Red Sox weren't drunk in September, they just sucked.

Sucked really bad. But it's not beer's fault. I wouldn't expect pitchers on their off days to not drink beer, in fact I'm surprised all of baseball doesn't crack open a six pack in the dugout. As Homer Simpson once realized, baseball without beer is a really boring game. If Lester and whoever else wants to open a beer while they sit in the bullpen more power to them, can you imagine sitting there for 3 or 4 hours (if it's a Yanks vs. Sox game more like 5) stone sober. It's not like Papelbon was funneling Coors cans in the locker room before he's called out to pitch and make that retarded face (though maybe drinking would explain the face), these are guys who aren't pitching for at least another day. I think we can allow them a Heineken while they sit on their asses like the rest of us. Not to incriminate myself, but I have maybe once or twice had a beer or an entire mini bottle of Hennessy while at work. Did this hinder my job performance? Absolutely, but I'm not going to say baseball players can't have the same fun I did. They weren't going all Don Draper, sucking down entire bottles of scotch and looking longingly out their windows. No, they had a beer or two and maybe some Popeye's chicken and sat in the dugout. And let us not forget that the revered 2004 team, the one that can do no wrong, those plucky "idiots" that reversed the curse. They said themselves in their 30 for 30 documentary that they took shots of Jack Daniels before games. And this was the starting lineup who had to get up and bat. But their drinking was just part of that loose, fun atmosphere that stood in contrast to the big, bad boring Yankees. Those little scamps! It's just an example of how winning colors people's perceptions. Fun loving Nick Swisher is just what the stiff Yankee lineup needs in 09 when they're winning. When they lose, he's a light hitting bum who doesn't take his job seriously like the old Yankees did. Like the cliche says, winning cures all.

So, Boston Globe and people of New England and the rest of Red Sox Nation, criticize the Sox for playing some of the sloppiest, error filled baseball this side of the Bad News Bears. Or for not hitting in big spots for an entire month. Or for letting big leads slip away time and time again. But don't blame beer for your team simply sucking.

2011 World Series Preview

Neither the Yankees nor the Red Sox are in the World Series, but contrary to popular belief there still will be a Fall Classic played this year and it starts tonight. Most of you probably don't care unless you have money involved but there will be a few really good baseball players on display.

As far as the National League representative, the Cardinals are having a UCONN type run this season. 10.5 games out in late August, they were the benefactors of that other epic collapse that nobody really talked about. The old cliche about just get in and take it one game at a time has been applicable here, as LaRussa and his boys have found themselves with home field advantage in the World Series (ironically thanks in large part to the guy they just beat Prince Fielder's domination of the All Star game). So how do the two squads you didn't really pay any attention to all year stack up against each other?

Pitching- Both teams have pretty decent starting pitching despite the fact that the Cardinals bullpen actually worked more innings than their starters in the NLCS. LaRussa is well known for utilizing as many statistics as possible and (some would say) overmanaging, so expect more of the parade of relief pitchers this series. St. Louis also employs the first ever female pitcher in Major League Baseball history, a fire ball slinging southpaw by the name of Whitney Starkington. Though little used, she's sure to dominate the pre game coverage and the ESPN human interest stories. Although St. Louis lost Adam Wainwright early in the season and Chris Carpenter got off to a snail-slow start, the starters picked it up in September and as previously mentioned, that bullpen was lights out. The Rangers aren't as imposing without last year's ace Cliff Lee on the mound but they still have a solid rotation. Also, the late season addition of Cuban dissident and midget Julio Mariposa added some grit to their already tough bullpen. Free spirited C.J. Wilson suffered a blister on his throwing hand last series but he's expect to play which is a plus for Texas.

Advantage: Rangers

Offense- Both Texas and St. Louis have ridiculously potent offenses so expect lit up scoreboards and the over to be in play every game. Most of the spotlight will be on best player in the game and one guy who Hater J actually doesn't hate: Phat Albert Pujols aka El Hombre. Pujols plays a slick first base but he's been absolutely tearing it up along with breakout star and ALCS MPV David Frees. Add Matt Holliday at DH and the Cardinals offense is looking very formidable. Rounding out the lineup is only the second Cambodian player in MLB history, Kat Tran a switch hitting chemistry major and poet laureate from Stanford. Tran burst on the scene in July and hasn't looked back since sparking Tran Fever in St. Louis. Texas's offense is no slouch though, as the Tigers learned last week. Nelson Cruz is having a 2004 Beltranesque playoffs and he's surrounded by big bats in Josh Hamilton and SS Elvis Andrus, forming one of the scarier lineups in baseball today. Someone who's been struggling lately is Johnny "Greasy J" Cifaretto, the self proclaimed "One armed guido" who despite having only one arm and being a guido has managed to hit only .075 this postseason. Ron Washington's insistence on starting Cifaretto has led to some rumors of gambling debts or other shady going ons behind the scenes. Catcher Mike Napoli has provided a lift with his big bat and sturdy defense behind the plate. Both offenses should be ready to slug it out and it will certainly be fun to watch.

Advantage: Cardinals (by a hair)

My pick: Cardinals in 6.

Play Ball!