Adam Sandler Sucks.

Recently, Kristen Wiig became the Saturday Night Live cast member to leave 30 Rock for greener pastures in Hollywood. It's been a pretty safe bet in the past as everyone from Mike Myers to Will Ferrell has gone on to be ridiculously successful and wealthy. Maybe the biggest success story, however, has been Adam Sandler. And I have no idea why. Compared to guys like Ferrell or even Dana Carvey, Sandler is a talentless bum. His goofy voices were funny when I was 13 but looking back now, Billy Madison (his "best" movie I guess) isn't even that great. Take a look at this asshole's IMDB. It reads like your annoying cousin's dvd collection (that's because it is). Alongside ok when you're high as shit movies like Happy Gilmore and Waterboy are affronts to humanity like Mr Deeds, Just Go With It, Click and Lil Nicky. And those are his better movies of the past decade. Let's spare ourselves by not spending too much time dwelling on Grown ups and (Dear God) Jack and Jill. We should just ignore these films ever existed. I'd rather swallow poison than watch Adam Sandler in drag. He also somehow managed to turn a movie starring Chris Rock and Salma Hayek's boobs into an unwatchable mess. The team of Sandler and Kevin James is the most deadly combination since lack of sleep and bath salts. Just how did Sandler become A-list?

I'll admit I used to enjoy his goofy songs on SNL, as well as some of his characters from his comedy albums that Bottle had on scratched up CD's in his parent's house. Billy Madison couldn't prepare us for the eventual juggernaut that he would become, forming his own production company to wreak havoc on the world with such turds as Paul Blart Mall Cop, and the miserable Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. But he's not a comedian who fell from grace or lost his edge like Eddie Murphy (or at the rate he's going) Chris Rock even. He's never really been anything more than a guy who makes funny voices. He appeals to the lowest denominator, which also happens to be the highest percentage of ticket buying Americans. Occasionally, Sandler's shown some promise in roles where he tried to stretch a little (Punch Drunk Love, uh, that's it) but he'll always come back to his bread and butter: really, really dumb movies aimed at 13 year olds or chick flicks with Drew Barrymore. If you go by box office receipts, he's the king of comedy. If you go by actually, ya know, laughing, though, he's as funny as a plane crash (and not the funny kind). But, as long as people keep buying tickets, Sandler will keep putting out the crap (the same crap that he parodied in the very unfunny Funny People). Father's Day weekend, you can watch Sandler in an R rated comedy for the first time in a while alongside an embarrassed Andy Samberg (who also just left SNL) in That's My Boy, a movie that looks so bad it will probably make more money than the Avengers. So enjoy it, America. You asked for it.

Basil Marceaux.Com: Still The Funniest Man Alive

His 15 minutes of fame may have passed us by but DO NOT underestimate the genius that is Basil Marceaux.Com (he refers to himself with a .com moniker).  Here is a link to his new official blog.

He has run for office in the great state of Tennessee multiple times, and his main claim to fame was a feature on The Colbert Report and The Soup. Whenever I'm having a shitty day, I pull up some of these videos to cheer myself up. I've tried to collect some of the best below, but here are some of the wonderful quotes that Mr. Marceaux.Com has brought into the world.

• On crime and gun control "I’d like to recall all permit and registration for guns. Everyone carry guns. If you kill someone. No. You get murdered then you go to jail!. "So who am I to say Ima write an ammement to the constitution say, nutcase can't have guns, criminals can't have guns...The government has patriot missiles and we has sling shots."
• On the environment: "And, uh, I like to plant grass or vegetation across the state or any vacant lot and sell it for gas. So we can use it for our expenses."
• On illegal immigration: " I said what, in America, I was looking outside to see if they flying the Mexican flag out there. "We aim these little red things down the road every foot, uh every inch, put up an infared fence."
• On his sausage factory: "Maybe when I get my sausage goin, have these two people say Basil eat my meat, or maybe eat my sausage. But I need to have you know weird things stick out and give you make you history, what what what I'm an international celebrity."
• Traffic Stops: "I also want to stop traffic stops, set it up like the supreme court ruled, vanilla vs. Iowa. Can't find innocent car, you can't look."
• On Smoking Bans: "We got the smokers, even though that pack says it's going to kill us, if you look at their face they actually look enhanced. These two people are having the happiness to the maxinin."
• Renewable Energy:"By 2080 the whole southeastern United States is going to be a dry land just like Mexico...because of the sun flares...last night at 12 o'clock, yesterday, sun flares broke off sun, and came at us 1,000 miles an hour like Aruba's, came at 12 o'clock at night and no one even knew that. When that happens in 2040 to 2050, the solar panel's won't work anymore. Windmills will probably work as long as we can find enough wind to make them work."

Here is a pretty great youtube video with all the key highlights, including subtitles:

Finally, as the holiday season approaches, I leave you with "A Basil Marceaux Christmas".

Where Does The Office Go From Here?

When it was first announced that NBC was going to air their own version of the British comedy hit "The Office" I was among the many skeptics. I had only recently been put on to the British version by a friend who was into obscure foreign comedies (you know the type) and couldn't really see how the newscaster guy from The Daily Show and Bruce Almighty could fill Ricky Gervais's shoes. Plus, there wasn't exactly a storied history of fantastic European shows adapted for American audiences (a lot of Coupling fans out there?). Any way, part of what made the brief but memorable British series so great was it's ability to embrace cringe-worthy humor; most of the laughs were kind of uncomfortable. Not something that was real popular in American sitcoms of the time. There weren't even that many shows without laugh tracks at this point.

Everyone knows what happened after that: the show was a surprise hit, spawning a ton of copy-cats (some actually pretty good) and Steve Carrell's career sky rocketed thanks to Judd Apatow and most of all his portrayal of the bumbling boss Michael Scott. While the pilot of the NBC Office was almost a line for line remake of the British show (and it just didn't feel right), they hit their groove later in the first season, mostly due to Carrell's performance and the writers' slight alterations for American tastes. While Gervais's David Brent is both a fool and a prick, Michael Scott is just really a fool, who still has some redeeming human qualities. Add some office romance that turns into a precious yuppie married couple (who I always got the feeling were the only characters on the show the viewer was supposed to identify with and laugh with rather than at) and you have a smash hit show that everyone loves.

Now that Carrell is leaving though, doesn't this mean the end of the show? The Michael Scott character dominates every episode. Even if he's not in a scene, it's usually a quick distraction from the next Michael adventure. Almost every episode ends with him speaking to the camera. There's been plenty of speculation as to who might try to replace him (Will Ferrell will make a few appearances but won't be permanent), and the crazy all-star lineup of the season finale was recently released. Of that crew, I'd say only one would be a suitable replacement (besides Gervais himself). Will Arnett has made a career of being the self-important douche-bag who thinks highly of himself but is really a delusional jerk on Arrested Development and the short-lived Running Wilde, as well as the rest of his film appearances. Perfect. Gervais endorsed this move recently, and I have to say, I can't imagine anyone else who could pull off somewhat loveable but completely stupid at the same time. It's either that or a half hour of Jim and Pam making cute faces at each other and the camera.

Here's to Will Arnett, the next boss at Dunder Mifflin.

We Like Sports

For everyone who says that we post about sports too much:

Clyde's Analysis of Comedy Central's Trump Roast

Oh yeah, the millionaire dude with the indomitable do was royally roasted by a cavalcade of stars the other night, and they did not disappoint the rabid fans.

Lisa Lampanelli began to percolate early, asking the deaf Marlee Matlin to read her camel toe. The good stuff from Lampanelli! Not to be outdone, the ubiquitous Jeffrey Ross wowed the crowd with some tasteless jokes involving Gary coleman; "He died of numerous aneurysms, which is sort of like different strokes". Seasoned veteran Gilbert Gottfried also did not disappoint as usual. Precocious neophytes Whitney Cummings and Anthony Jeselnik had the crowd saluting their heroes, especially when Jeselnik said the only difference between Trump and Michael Douglas in Wall Street is no one will be sad when Trump gets cancer. The master blaster! The other rookie, Mike "The Situation" Sorrento didn't fare as well, hearing boos from the capacity crowd. Perhaps a case of rookie jitters from Sich who proved to not be as loquacious as his team-mates. Overall, it was a splendid performance by most of the cantankerous comedians. Back to you in the studio, Al.