The New Marvel Superheroes

The biggest news in geek world today (big enough to overshadow the Apple Icloud and the 5 or 6 super nerdy movies in theatres now) is the unveiling of the newest incarnation of Spiderman that Marvel is forcing on the 5 or 6 people who still care about such things. And the kicker here that has gotten some attention is Spiderman is a half black, half latino kid from Brooklyn. Confusing you say? Well, yes it is. Apparently, Marvel has two universes. The actual comic universe that we're all familiar with and then this wacky Ultimate universe where anything goes. Up is down, left is right, and beloved characters like Peter Parker are killed by the Green Goblin and temporarily replaced by black kids from Brooklyn. Since this is an alternate universe, it gives the writers freedom to do all the silly stuff they'd always wanted to with these characters without pissing off Stan Lee and the real life comic nerds too much, as well as providing positive role models and diversity that's sadly been missing from comics for too long.

Here at PTU, we've been treated to a sneak peek at some of the other ideas that Marvel has cooked up for their Ultimate lines. Check it out:

Chinese Captain America:
Hoping to capitalize on the big-screen success of the Captain, Marvel is unleashing this alternate version. Huang Lee (a nod to Stan), an I.T. consultant at Royal Bank of Canada by day, and patriotic defender of Justice by night and on his lunch breaks. There's already tremendous buzz about the 10 issue story arc involving Captain America's Xbox online adventures in which he plays Halo for 4 days straight.

Dominican Hulk:
Bruce Banner has died in a hang gliding accident, leaving the door open for a new Incredible Hulk: Junior Ramirez, a mild mannered bachata singer from Washington Heights, who accidentally eats a gamma ray infused platano becoming the Incredible Hulks. Que lo que!

Pakistani Iron Man:
Tony Stark is hit by lightning, meaning no one can save us but Ram Saraja, Jackson Height Dunkin Donuts owner and heir to the red and yellow iron suit. Far from the womanizing billionaire playboy that Tony Stark was, Pakistani Iron Man mostly hangs out at Flushing Meadows park and drives his family to Queens Center mall in a mini van. I'm not sure how exciting this new direction will be, honestly.

Down Syndrome Wolverine:
After Logan is hit by a bus, the X-men have to make room for Davey Martin, a 35 year old Bagel store employee with a heart of gold and Down's syndrome, who also was born with the adamantium bones and claws. While he might not have the dark wit of the previous Wolverine, he is really quite good at sudoku.

Stay tuned for more exciting super hero news in the weeks to come. Excelsior!

The Keeping It Real Hall of Fame: Skip to my Lou

Rafer "Skip to my lou" Alston is a streetball legend, and the only member of the And1 mixtape boogie woogiers to have a substantial NBA career (he might be the only guy to actually make the league). After witnessing his thuggin' over the past few years,though, it's no wonder that none of those other guys have landed in the pros. Skip put together a decent journeyman career, and was totally able to suppress his streetball antics on the court. He rarely ever threw a behind the back pass in an NBA game, never mind trying some of that other foolishness that would make Larry Brown throw up on the court. Off the court, though, Jamaica Queen's own Skip is apparently as real as it gets. Over the past couple years, he's been arrested for:

• Public Intoxication and assault in Houston during his Rockets days
• Driving well over the legal drinking limit
• Slicing a man's throat outside of New York hot spot Stereo

And just yesterday, he got knocked for allegedly (as all of these accusations are) smashing a guy over the head with a bottle outside of Queens strip club Perfections. Is there anything this man can't do? In perp circles, Rafer's what you would call a 5 tool player: he's equally adept with a razor or empty champagne bottle as he is with the rock in his hands, and his drunk driving is as smooth as his crossover dribble. He's also been known to not back down from on the court trouble, just ask Eddie House. Until the Professor is brought up on charges of catching a buck fifty across some poor dope's face outside of 10ak, Rafer Alston will remain the lone And 1 performer in the Metta World Peace Keeping it Real Hall of Fame. Salute!

Can We All Stop Saying Helen Mirren is So Damn Sexy?

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but there's certain women who everyone can agree on being the standard bearers for hotness in our current society. Every year when People magazine or Maxim or whoever releases their top 50 sexiest people, the usual suspects make the list (granted, this changes every few years depending on career trajectories and other factors but for the most part, you know who's making the cut). Occasionally, though, these lists of the ultimate sex objects, the most desirable females on the planet, sometimes try to get too cute or inclusive and we end up with some odd choices. Case in point: Helen freaking Mirren.

I'm not hating on Helen, she's a very attractive older woman, maybe the most attractive woman over 60 alive today. But have you ever been hanging out having a couple beers with a friend, who said "you know who I want to bang so bad? Jesus, that old lady who played Queen Elizabeth in that movie my girlfriend made us rent. OH MY GOD, SHE IS HOT"? If this has happened to you, you should probably ask him to stop being such a sarcastic asshole or you should stop hanging out with your grandpa so much. Mirren turned 66 last week and, God bless her, she's in tremendous shape for someone who was born during World War II, but the most SEXY WOMAN IN THE WORLD??? Jennifer Lopez being named sexiest woman by People Magazine was met with snickers for being too old and she's 20 years younger. It's nice that British society can see past age and all that, but these stupid polls aren't graded on a curve. What's the point of the poll unless it's representative of how people actually feel? Why not ask who's the sexiest left handed woman or hottest French Canadian? And this isn't just a British polling anomaly (where many of their women look like this). No, our very own Esquire Magazine (the authority on sexy women and what watch to wear with a seersucker suit), ran this piece a little while back. And now, an LA Fitness poll said she had the best body IN THE WORLD. It's the media equivalent of telling your buddy's grandmother she should be on Dancing With The Stars because she can still do the Charleston at weddings and say with a chuckle to her "if I weren't already married...". After Helen Mirren leaves the room, can we all go back to talking about the hot bridesmaid who had one too many shots of Jameson though? Sexiest woman over 60 is a bit like best dunker in an all white basketball league or best black swimmer; it's a small field. But we over rate any elder who doesn't look like Jessica Tandy as somehow sexier than Mila Kunis. One reason for this is (as Hater J pointed out) women want to be equal with men in everything, and one way is defeating the "double standard" that feminists are always going on about, that is that men age well and they don't. If it's good enough for Richard Gere, why not us? Sorry, sister, I'm all for gender equality, but facts are facts. It's also a coping mechanism for women, that if Mirren can be foxy waaay past 50, so can they. And that's true, but it doesn't make you better than the pretty, young things. Yao Ming was a great Chinese basketball player (the best ever) but I wouldn't over rate him as the best basketball player ever.

I'm fine with Helen Mirren: sexiest woman in the world (for an old broad), but if the parentheses are missing than I no longer take any stock in meaningless polls conducted by British newspapers I've never heard of. I never thought I'd see that day.

A Toast To A Douchebag - Farewell Randy Moss

Upon the retirement of an athlete that should eventually find himself enshrined in the Hall of Fame, sports fans and reporters look back on that player’s career. Typically, these trips down memory lane usually focus on the great achievements we witnessed and actively ignore all of the low points ranging from things like Johnny Unitas playing for the Chargers, Roberto Alomar spitting in an umps face, or a fat Michael Jordan in a Wiz uniform.

On tonight’s SportsCenter, we will probably have to see the “Randy Moss Top Ten Highlights”. They'll surely run off his great career stats that includes seven Pro Bowls, four First Team All Pro, fifth in all time receiving yards, and second in all time receiving touchdowns. Without question, Randy Moss is one of the most talented players to play football. Some of us will look back and say, “Sh*t, that dude was good.” Others may ask, “Imagine if he actually applied himself and focused?” I will belong to neither group. I will remember Randy Moss for what he was, a total asshole. So here’s a toast to a douche bag, farewell Randy. I’m glad I never got to see you win a title.

M@D's NFL preview THE YEAR OF THE BUST!

I was going to wait till late August to write about the NFL, but I just can't take it. I am dying to see grown men launch themselves violently at each other(In a controlled manner of course).

I am labeling the 2011 NFL season the year of the Bust, first all it will start the rein of King Bust aka Cam Newton, second of all with all signings and the season around the corner there is no way all of these new players with their new teams will pan out. I see a lot "reaching" by NFL clubs, but I digress, I over joyed to know that will be Football to be watched on Sundays and I look forward to proving to you all what a great Football expert I am.

RIP Hideki Irabu

One-time Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu was found dead today in his home in California. Details are still sketchy, but suicide is suspected.

A bunch of us from PTU were just talking about him at Snootfest the other day and this comes as a bit of a shock. Unfortunately, he'll probably be best remembered for being called a "fat toad" by George Steinbrenner, and truth be told, that was the exact context in which we were discussing him on Saturday. Irabu got a ring that season though, and was apparently as big a star in Japan as that other Hideki who played for the Yankees before and since his short stint as a Major Leaguer. In any case, it's sad to see anyone go before their time.

RIP Hideki.

So Long, Beltran: A Non-Mets Fan Perspective

The Mets finally traded Carlos Beltran after what seems like months of speculation to the San Francisco Giants. This seems to be a win-win situation for all of the parties involved. Beltran (he of the no trade clause) gets to go to a team that meets every one of the criteria he set up: a first place, national league team that is contending (the world champs no less) with a butt load of pitching. Not to mention he can now have the privilege of hitting in a home run hitters friendly ball park instead of the cavernous Citi Field. The Mets receive a guy who (despite mediocre numbers) is supposedly a can't miss prospect if you ask Hater J and league sources. Supposedly this Wheeler character was the sticking point in the trade, before the Giants eventually relented and threw him at the last minute. Now the Mets can get back to focusing on teasing their fans for the next 2 months. Never quite falling out of the race totally, but never truly having a legitimate chance at the playoffs unless the Braves or Phillies have a collapse like...well, the Mets. The only loser is San Francisco fans who now have to listen to Jon Miller saying "BeltrAN" in that fat, pretentious way of his 162 times a year.

So where does this leave Carlos Beltran's legacy? I heard Gary Apple (or somebody) say that he was the greatest center fielder to ever wear a Mets uniform on the Beer Money channel last night, and I think there can definitely be a case made for that. Most people (especially Mets fans and casual baseball fans) will remember him for what he didn't do, in particular standing there like a jackass with a bat on his shoulder like he was posing for his Topps card while the St. Louis Cardinals danced around him. This is the conundrum we're faced with when discussing Beltran, unfortunately. The people who should be able to give the best opinion of him since they saw the most of him - the die-hard Mets fan - can only remember one thing about him (and it's a shitty thing indeed). To complicate things even further, when trying to place him in his proper place in Mets' history, the die-hard's opinion is clouded by the ghost of 1986. Nothing any Mets player has done in the past 25 years will ever be worth anything to the Mets fan in comparison to that glorious 86 world series team. I guess I can't blame them, since the Mets of the last 25 years have run the gamut from unlikeable losers to epic choke artists. Still, it shouldn't take away from Beltran's legacy as possibly the greatest center fielder in orange and blue history. In baseball, more than any other sport, an individual shouldn't be judged by team success alone, especially a position player. There are too many variables that factor into a team winning or losing to lump it all on one guy's shoulders. And the other center fielders in Mets history don't really stack up. Mookie may be a fan favorite and will forever be remembered fondly for being on the other side of that Buckner screw-up, but besides stolen bases, he's dominated by Carlos. Even with the injuries, Beltran stays near the top in every power category over the past 4 years. Any season in which he played at least 100 games, he was a dominant force. Willie Mays was, of course, great, but was an aging shell of himself by the time he arrived at Shea. Mookie's partner who split time in center with him, Lenny "Nails" Dykstra was a tough sumbitch, but is no all time great (and is now a huge dirtbag) even if he was a part of the mythical '86 team. So, even with the litany of injuries and occasional choke moments, let's be fair and respect Carlos Beltran as one of the all time great Mets. Take it from a Yankee fan.

Perp Shoe Of The Week: Rodman Edition

I've been doing these perp shoe posts since practically the inception of PTU, and as everyone has ignored them and/or skyrocketed them to the top of the popular posts charts to see the pretty sneaker pictures, you've probably noticed or haven't noticed the wide array of athletes who endorsed them once upon a time. From quiet superstar running backs (who may have retired early depending on who you ask) to loudmouth rebounding power forwards turned loudmouth analysts to the greatest basketball player to ever lace up a pair of perp shoes, one thing has been proven: A player mustn't be an actual perp (or possess perpish tendencies) in order to be a spokesman for a truly great perp shoe. (And while we're at it, let me just say that the term "perp shoe" is a reference to a perp hating police officer friend of PTU who thinks of all sneakers as such, and does not reflect the opinions or ideals of Johnny Bagels and most of the PTU writers). Grant Hill was about as square as a pizza box, but his kicks were worn by rappers and every public schooler in the tri-state for a couple years there. And, this week's entry is yet another case in point of the personality of the spokesman not really having an impact on the consumer.

Dennis Rodman did lots of good things on the court, like that tip to himself rebound technique, and a truly uncanny knack for being in the right place at the right time (both in terms of rebounding and defensive position as well as what truly great teams he played for). It's debatable whether or not his teams were dynasties or championship caliber squads because of him or if he was just lucky to be around all time-great teammates, but what's not debatable is that the guy was a freaking weirdo. Sure, he did it all for attention and to get recognized (let's face it, offensively challenged forwards who specialize in defense and rebounding need a hook like crazy hair or dressing in drag or they'll end up just being Serg Ibaka) and he probably wasn't really a John Ameche since he got all types of trim from famous sluts but whatever; to paraphrase Biggie, weird niggas do weird things. From dying his hair every color in the rainbow to wearing a wedding dress at a book signing, to using whatever borderline homo erotic tactics he could to psych out his opponents (I imagine he would whisper something to the cowboy boots wearing Karl Malone about riding him like a horse or something), the Worm is the antithesis of what's really good in the streets. Nobody was dying their hair magenta and putting in a big hoop nose ring (even 2pac couldn't make nose rings thuggish) or wearing dresses or whatever, but Rodman's shoes were still classics that got a good amount of burn at the local urban Foot Locker.

The Air Darwins were not quite as wacky as the later Rodman sneakers, but the backwards check is a sign of things to come. A truly original looking sneaker at the time, the couple guys who I knew that were Darwin fans usually bought them in every color and had multiple pairs of the same color. An underrated sneaker for sure.


The Darwins were nice and all, but they were nothing compared to the Air Worms. A truly revolutionary sneaker in the same way that Babe Ruth revolutionized baseball for white people. The first shoe to hide the laces on the side (and one of the last)the design of this shoe was out there but still looked sleek. Paired up with black socks (like the championship Bulls team did in the playoffs) these were some fresh looking perp shoes, no matter how fruity the guy wearing them was.

After that, Rodman's sneakers followed the same trajectory as his career. His next pair with Nike were a true kick in the groin, and let's not talk about Dennis's wrestling career, failed comebacks with the Mavs and Lakers or his disgusting Converse sneakers. And that's the legacy of hall of famer Dennis Rodman: a goofy androgynous freak who had a couple pairs of great perp shoes and could rebound the ball like a maniac.

A PTU Perspective on the Debt Ceiling Crisis

By now there is no way you've escaped the dire warnings about the world ending on August 2nd if the U.S. debt ceiling isn't raised. This is a complicated issue, and I certainly don't have the answer because if I did I'd be doing something much more valuable for humanity then pasting Scrooge McDuck into my PTU blog post. That being said, I'm getting a bit fed up with the ass clowns that aren't doing their job in DC.

Let's take a look at the two competing plans out there right now. Pretend you are drunk and playing Megatouch at the local dive...what is different between these two pictures (graphic is from the WSJ)



In my opinion, NOTHING worthwhile. To begin with I learned recently that one congress cannot bind another. This means that whatever kind of caps and crap they put in place, real fiscal reductions are only guaranteed for '12 and '13. Both plans leave a lot of room for imagination....what the hell is "at least 1.8 trillion to be named later". Is this a baseball trade? For the most part both these plans seem to kick the real hard choices down the road, which isn't surprising given the way our politicians like to operate.

While there is certainly a benefit to balancing the budget, certain schools of economic thought would alos question the wisdom of doing this now. The economy is barely sputtering along and the employment and housing markets aren't looking so great. While at some point we are going to have to get our house in order, doing it right now runs the risk of some really negative impacts on the economy which might take some time to clear up. I'm not sure all the Tea Party fanatics out there really have a firm grasp on these risks.

The real problem is that both parties are mixing ideology with economics. The Democrats want to ensure that NOTHING gets touched in Social Security or Medicare. The Republicans want to make sure that little Suzy doesn't have her taxes raised too much so that she can still fly to summer camp on a private jet. Long term if we really want to correct things, everyone is going to have to give something up. Poor people are going to have to expect cuts in their entitlements, and the rich are going to have to pay more in taxes. We may have to decide we can't help every backward ass country that has some dickhead dictator ruining everything. The point is that we will all have to accept some sacrifices, and our representatives in D.C. need to stop being a bunch of 5 year old babies and get this done. While I don't believe the global economy will collapse due to a partial U.S. default on debt, it will certainly do a good deal of damage to our global reputation as well as the value of the dollar.

Maybe the people involved in the NFL labor negotiations should stop down and D.C. since somehow they managed to find a way to compromise. Oh well, at least this fall when the economy is collapsing I can still watch football.

Snootfest 2011 Recap: Wife Beaters and Meatballs

This past Saturday was another glorious day in PTU history: the second annual Snootfest cookout. Last year's Snootfest was epic in it's own way, and it was a Herculean task to try to outdo it, but Snoot and his cronies were up to the task. Despite a crippling daytime temperature of about 110 degrees in the shade, there was an expectant tension in the air for what was to come: Would Hater J and Blacky peacefully coexist? Would M@d $cientist do his famed Pitbull dance? Would Johnny Bagels run out of cigarettes? To say there was excitement in the air would be an understatement.

The day began innocently enough; a couple rounds of that classic Italian old man sport, Bocci ball. Team Asia (Mr. D and Bagels) used their mathematical brains to compensate for their extreme race disadvantage enough to put up a good fight, but in the end, home field advantage and the promise of grilled sausage pushed the contest into the Italian host with the magic kaboose's favor. This led to the excitement of the Puerto Rican's arrival (naturally 2 hours after everyone else got there) and Hater J's magic punch was soon dished out in one of Mrs. Snoot's oversized punch bowls. A mixture of E&J, orange juice, Rum, apples and bravery that appears sweet at first but will eventually knock you over on your blancito ass (like most Puerto Rican women). Before long, dinner was served, and it was what you expect to eat at the typical suburban barbecue on a record setting scorching hot summer day: baked ziti, sausage and peppers and home-made meatballs. Mange!

After stuffing our sun beaten faces with the best that Palermo has to offer, it was time to relive our college years the best way we know how, epic flip cup and beer pong matches ensued until we all forgot how old we were (and some of us may have forgotten our first names). At this point, there was more wife beaters to be seen than in a divorce court, and the Hennessy and Jameson was flowing.By the time the first spades hand was dealt and Wu-Tang was blasting from the tinny speakers of Snoot's ihome, you would think it was a welcome home party for convicts released from San Quentin, if it wasn't for the keg of Yueng Ling that was still filling the plastic red cups.

As the night wound down, it culminated as these parties always do: an EPIC 20 person flip cup match. Mr. D showed his hall of fame talent, landing 15 straight first try flips, as DJ Bagels kept the hits coming. It was another classic PTU evening, one that will only be surpassed by next year's promised Slip n Slide and Bose speakers. You've been warned, Bellmore.

TV That Doesn't Suck: Breaking Bad

Some TV shows are enjoyable on different levels, some are so-called "guilty pleasure" that we're maybe ashamed to admit in mixed company that we never miss and some shows are just good. As most people who know me in real life will tell you, I never shut the hell up about Breaking Bad. I tell everyone I know to start watching it if they haven't already. I tell everyone that it's the best show on television, and that if they begin watching it they will be transformed into an addict just like me. I imagine many of the thousands of people who I've shared the gospel of Walter White with are so sickened by my insistence that they share my passion, that they won't like it out of spite. The show is so good though, that I think even my hateful friends will enjoy it no matter how hard they might try not to.

What makes Breaking Bad so great? It has top notch acting (the two leads have been nominated for Best actor and won almost every season), great and original cinematography (New Mexico never looked so good), and direction and writing that's on par with the best films. What makes the show so damn enjoyable though is the actual sense of suspense and dread that's laden through out. Most tv shows seem to have lost the ability to create suspense either intentionally or unintentionally. As in many art house films (from which most "serious" shows take their cues), the thought of something actually inspiring a physical reaction such as a shock or anxiety felt during a particularly suspenseful scene is frowned upon as lowbrow for some reason. The last truly tense and suspenseful scene in the Sopranos was probably in the first season "College" episode where Tony chokes out a rat in between college visits. After that, HBO's most popular series gave up suspense for headier scenes, and most shows followed suit. It's rare to find something on television that is pretty much even in quality in both the more "respected" aspects as well as straight up entertainment. It attracts the snobbish discerning television viewer who probably only watches tv through netflix since having cable is so bourgeoisie, as well as the
regular guy or girl who just likes to see people do things we wish we could, like blowing up that asshole who talks on his bluetooth too loud's car or making 3 million a year selling blue crystal meth. It's wish fulfillment for the bored 9 to 5 guy who day dreams about leading a super cool, dangerous life of a drug manufacturer, in a big, awesome beautifully shot and acted package.

If you haven't already, start watching.

Tribute to Larry David's "Breastvision"

On a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry talks about a special ability called "Breastvision" (BV for short). BV is something all men have known about for years but no one has ever put a name to: the ability to have amazing crystal clear vision from extremely long distances when great breasts are somewhere in the vicinity. Only slightly related to this phenomenon, some of us at PTU today were discussing the best breasts in Hollywood. Since my wife sometimes reads the blog I'll have to leave it at that, but here is where I think we netted out for top 5.

5) LaLa (aka Permelo's Wife): Sometimes it pays to be a perp. Probably wouldn't have been my first choice, but the rest of PTU loves basketball so that also bumped her up.



4) The Girl With Big Boobs From Paranormal Activity (aka Katie Featherston): Makes it worthwhile sitting through both Paranormal Activity 1 AND 2.



3) Christina Hendricks: Hot secretary from Mad Men. Not much else to say, just the classic body type.




2) Sofia Vergara: The primary reason white males religiously watch Modern Family. Might have been number one but reports say they are not real.

1) Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson (aka Katy Perry): If Joseph Smith were still around she would probably make the cut as one of his wives. Bottle also happens to like her music. 

With that, time to let the debate begin! I have to hit the publish button now because my wife is asking me why there are boobs in my blog post...