Bulls vs Heat Game 2 Recap: Pardon The Udonis

Pardon the who?!? You read correct, Udonis Haslem. The forgotten man in Miami who missed the majority of the Heat season and had played all of 9 minutes of the 2011 playoffs going into tonight. But there was Mr. Florida basketball carrying the Heat through the latter part of the third quarter and first couple minutes of the 4th when the Big 3 was silent. Haslem's been around for a while now. He's the only other hold over from the 06 championship team besides Wade, and he holds the distinction of being the only player in history to win championships at the high school, college and pro level in Florida as well as the last person on Earth still rocking corn rows. Bottle kept telling me how important he was to the team, but nobody listens to Bottle (even if he's right more often than that squid). And right Bottle was again this time; Haslem scored 11 in the third alone, including two Taj Gibson like dunks from out of nowhere.

It probably speaks more to the sad state of Miami big men than anything else that a guy scoring 15 points is national news, but Haslem gave Miami the spark that they needed as they sleep walked through the first 2 quarters. Besides his unexpected play, though, the other storyline of last night's game was the defense. As Hater J pointed out, it was almost like watching Riley's Miami teams of the '90s out there for some stretches. I half expected Dan Majerle to hit a 3 at some point. LeBron himself had warned people not to expect high scoring this series, and this game definitely lived up to that hype. With the extra days in between games in this series, (game 3 is being played some time before the 4th of July) both coaching staffs will be able to tweak their defenses, (something they specialize in) and last night it showed. The Heat were excellent at cutting off Rose's paths to the basket and the Bulls defense was it's usual suffocating self for most of the game. This isn't to say that Chicago didn't have their chances. All the threes that they were hitting in game 1 weren't going down this time. Kyle Korver, in particular, continued his recent struggles, and he appears to be totally distracted since the announcement that he'll be Charlie Sheen's replacement on Two and a Half Men. Being the slow white guy that he is, he's virtually useless if he's not connecting on at least a couple shots from outside. Reggie Miller suggested during the broadcast that Thibs might have to sit him if this keeps up, and I might have to agree with that.

The final storyline of this unsightly game was the continuation of the sudden transformation to Mr. Clutch by LeBron James. The guy who was branded a choke artist by everyone from Hater J to his own fellow players (he didn't receive one vote on S.I.'s player poll of who should take the last shot) has miraculously transformed himself into the closer. Of course, the perception of Bron as not a big time player was a little overblown anyway. He's hit big shots before in his career (game winners vs. Washington, the buzzer beater vs. Orlando, his domination in Detroit) but last year's meltdown is still fresh in most people's minds (game 5 at least, he still had a great game 6), and some people are just haters. He's changed his late game strategy a bit, though, taking long 3s with confidence and relatively simple pull up jumpers going to his left or right, rather than the ugly lay-up flings that weren't working earlier in the season in crunch time. Even superstar athletic freaks of nature need some confidence some times and he seems to be shooting with supreme confidence late in games now. I don't like the Heat but it has more to do with Riley and the "big 3"'s attitudes as well as residual hate from the 90's (although if you told the 14 year old Bagels that I would be rooting for the Bulls one day, I'd probably smack you with my Jansport). I never doubted any of their skills or abilities.

Now, the series heads to South Beach. In keeping with the league's Green initiative, the players will walk from Chicago to save jet fuel, hence the long lay-off. We'll see how the supporting cast plays away from home (my man Taj seems to feed off the energy of the crowd and vice versa), if Udonis keeps up his Lazarus like comeback and if the Bulls can snap out of their offensive funk. Should be fun.

You Magnificent Bastards:The Greatest Illegitimate Children Ever

The big, shocking news of the week is Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are splitting up , reportedly over his shenanigans with the help. Even more shocking than the fact that Arnie was a man-whore (his appetite for tang is well documented) is the fact that he fathered a child with said maid. Any time someone knocks up their mistress it's shocking, but when it's the action star former California governor it's doubly shocking, and the fact that juice-head even had working sperm is triply shocking.

But the mini-terminator shouldn't be too worried about his future as the most famous bastard child in recent memory. Plenty of children born out of wedlock have gone onto great things through out history. Here's a small handful in no particular order:

Macauley Culkin


I guess his life didn't turn out all that great (he eventually divorced his parents) but he did gain fame at a very early age and recently dated Mila Kunis. It's ironic that his most famous role was as a kid abandoned by his parents. Anyway,


Oprah Winfrey


The big O's horrible, abuse filled childhood is well known at this point. She was born to a crack addict mother who beat her with broomsticks and so on. She's now the second most influential person in the world next to Lady Gaga according to someone who is much, much less rich than Oprah.

Shaquille O'Neal


Probably not too much of a shocker here, but the Diesel didn't know his biological pops growing up. That army dude who showed up to all the early Finals games was actually his step father. I imagine he took a lot of his anger towards his drug addict father out on Todd Maccullough.

Leonardo DaVinci


You may know him, as most historians do, as the inspiration for a ninja turtle, but Leo's life didn't start out so rosey. Born illegitimately to a notary, DaVinci went on to be the most famous of Renaissance painters. I'm sure stuff like this went down all the time in 16th century Italy (those old guidos were some freaks), but Davinci is an inspiration nonetheless.

Bo Jackson:

Doesn't belong alongside Davinci or some of the other greats you say? Bo was a freakish athlete who was able to excel at two professional sports and spawned some of the greatest sneakers any perp could hope to own. Bo didn't know his father, but Bo knows everything else.

M@D $cientist Reviews Thor

Are you a big comic book fan? Can you spot Stan Lee in every cameo that he has done in Marvel movies? Do you know that Thor made his first appearance in Journey into Mystery #83,? If so then this movie is for you. As you know with every comic book movie the director takes licence with style and origin of the character, Director Kenneth Branagh starts off the movie as a Shakespearian master piece with many tones and themes from Hamlet, which is a nice touch.(Don't worry fans they speak English that you can understand).

You think the beginning is going to drag on but it picks up and really doesn't stop till the end of the movie The actor they chose for Thor is almost perfect (Chris Hemsworth). He has the look , and fits the Thor costume nicely.

Overall this movie is nicely made and will make comic book fans happy.

My one knock on this film is if your not a big comic book fan you will

miss out on some inside jokes, might not know who the additional marvel

heroes are in this movie.

So grab a comic book nerd and take him/her to this movie. I give Thor

three and half hammers out of five.

As always if you want to interact with me or any other writers of PTU

you can email anyone of us at

BLOGPTU@GMAIL.COM

The Most Hated Person In Sports: The Front Runner

George Carlin had his famous 7 dirty words you can't say on television routine back in the '70s, and while most of those have changed with the shifting morals of acceptability on tv, there are still a handful of words that could start a fight in most locker rooms and sports bars: Choker, flopper, Mets fan and maybe the worst label, frontrunner. Those other names usually reference a flaw in your game or mentality that could be fixed or reversed with the right image-changing moments (just ask Dirk). But a front-runner is the worst kind of sports person, be it a fan or player, coach, whatever. An emotionally weak person who latches on to the successes of others (at least that's how it's perceived).

We all know a few front-runners in our lives. That kid from your office who all of a sudden is a die-hard Heat fan and probably doesn't even know who Bimbo Coles is. The guy at the deli in the Cowboys Jacket who's never left Brooklyn but lives and dies for the 'Boys, or the Jordan fanatic turned Kobe lover turned LeBron supporter (I'm partly guilty of this one). These types are everywhere. In New York, we get a ton of these characters; just take a look around you on the subway when the Jets were making their recent runs. I never knew there were that many Green and white supporters during the Rich Kotite years, because there weren't. Or the bandwagon jumping Knicks fans who ran out to get their Carmelo #7 t-shirts, and then quickly remembered why they jumped ship in the first place. Those types of fans, though, are preferable to the die-hards for teams that aren't even in their city. The guy who grew up being a Braves and Cowboys fan because of their dominance in the '90s are way worse than the fan who wakes up to root for his home-town team whenever they start winning. You can witness this phenomenon any Winter Sunday at your local bar. There's no way that many people moved here from Pittsburgh (I don't even think that many people live in Pittsburgh, I've never met one person actually from there).

Why do we hate these guys so much? Because they like to take the easy way out, rooting for whatever team is on the winning side at any given time. Die-hard sports fans who stick with their team through the good, the basd and the Isiah, can't stand the preening idiot in the Stoudemire jersey who swears he's been down since day one, while the true fans bear the scars of Shandon Anderson and Jerome James starting lineups. This is also the reason so many people hate LeBron and Bosh (and to a lesser extent Wade). As many people have pointed out since last July, these two carpetbaggers couldn't handle things on their own and had to team up and form some kind of a half-assed super team. Fans can't just trade in their team allegiances (they could but deep down they still care about whatever team they ditched). We all wish we could call our agents and say, I'm done with these asshole Mets, I want to be a part of a winner, but it's not that easy and we don't want to be perceived as douche-bag frontrunners, a gene that Cowboys, Yankees and Notre Dame fan LeBron lacks.

So, next time a Heat fan asks you why you're one of the millions of people rooting for the Bulls and (if they fail) whoever makes it out of the West, tell them you just can't stand a front-runner and then get ready to fight.

PTU Top Ten 80's Action Movies

If you don't know who those guys are in the picture, you may not like any of the films listed here. After some lengthy discussion today, this is a fairly good representation of the broader PTU but I'm sure that not all of us would agree on the same list. Sadly, there are some of us that haven't even seen some of the best movies of our generation.

So if you know where Mypos is and hope to travel to Melmac one day, click the link below...

Killing Osama bin Laden - My Perspective (Recovered)

I keep seeing all these opinion pieces in the news and posts on facebook about how it was wrong for a group of U.S. Navy SEALs to kill Osama bin Laden. It's really pissing me off. So, I thought I would explain my position on some of these issues. The most frequent complaints I see are (1) it was murder, (2) it was a violation of due process, and (3) the burial was completely improper. I am going to discuss the first two in this post and won't address number (3). I will attempt to keep things relatively simple and not get too caught up in the legal stuff. Anyway, here's my perspective on these particular issues.

Killing bin Laden Was Not Murder

Murder is commonly understood to be the unlawful or wrongful killing of a person. While killing bin Laden was definitely the killing of a person, whether or not that killing was murder turns on whether the killing was unlawful or wrongful. While what is legal and what is moral can and do diverge, in the case of murder, I would say that the law and morality dictate roughly the same things. The analysis of the issue will proceed as such.

If the killing of bin Laden was authorized by law, then it wasn't murder. For example, killing bin Laden may have been authorized by the laws of war. Bin Laden can be viewed as a combatant engaged in armed conflict with our country, and killing him was a legitimate action in the course of putting an end to that conflict.

One can always justify the killing of another through the doctrine of self defense. The killing of another is justified under a theory of self defense if the killing is reasonably neccessary (or seemed reasonable neccessary under the circmstances) to prevent death or severe bodily harm to yourself or another. In bin Laden's case, he participated in the killings of thousands of people to accomplish his political goals and vowed to continue exploiting those tactics to further his political agenda. In the bigger picture, killing him was necessary to prevent the further deaths of innocents. On the smaller scale, in that room, killing bin Laden may have been necessary to ensure the safety of the SEAL team. As long as the person pulling the trigger thought killing bin Laden was reasonably necessary to prevent death or severe bodily harm, the killing was legal. He could have had concealed weapons or explosives on him. It's not inconceivable considering the tactics his organization has used. Killing bin Laden with that knowledge seems perfectly reasonable.

No Process Was Due to bin Laden

Due Process is the idea that the accused should be afforded certain minimal rights when tried and punished for crimes. At a minimum, the accused should be given notice of the charges against them and be afforded the opportunity to defend or dispute those charges. Basically, the accused should be told what they're accused of and have the opportunity to disprove those allegations. The reasoning behind Due Process protections is to ensure that the govenment treats people fairly and does not act arbitrarily (doesn't do whatever it wants for no legitimate reason).

In the case of bin Laden, he was accused of masterminding the September 11 attacks. Bin Laden was clearly aware of these allegations, because he did not dispute these accusations, rather he proudly took credit . . . on tape . . . multiple times! Would a trial really have afforded him any more due process? No, we would have just played a bunch of his mix tapes and he would have easily been convicted. We knew we had the guy who did it, the guy knew we thought he did it, and he even said he did it . . . a lot. Maybe the the letter of the law wasn't followed in regards to Due Process, but the spirit and purpose of the law seems to have been sufficiently served. In any event, Due Process is not required by the laws of war or the doctrine of self-defense.

Western Conference Finals Preview

That other series is starting tonight, in what seems like kind of a letdown compared to the star-studded Eastern Conference Finals. Yeah, the WCF has it's share of all-star and former all-star players: Dirk (that's him up there looking like Detective Holder from "The Killing"), Durant, Westbrook, and the rest of the former star players on the Mavs. But there's a reason that Miami vs Chicago game 1 was the highest rated basketball game in THE HISTORY OF CABLE TELEVISION (and not just because the Celebrity Apprentice was a rerun). The Heat have the hate factor, I'd guess that more people watching that game were rooting against the Heat than for the Bulls, and at least 3 more dynamic stars than the Thunder or Mavs can offer. Still, true hoops fans have a lot to appreciate here in the deceptively quick and powerful Durant, and Nowitzki's seemingly impossible shots that he hits so easily.

The Thunder are coming off the most unexpectedly exciting series of the Playoffs, a strange series that despite going 7 games and featuring 4 overtimes, also saw each game have a double digit lead. Dallas, meanwhile, has been sitting on their asses waiting since Mother's day after their equally unexpected beating of the champs. The usual school of thought here is that the team that has an unusually long rest period in between series can be rusty and fall out of sync. On the other hand, the extra rest should benefit the old guys in Dallas, while the intense 7 game series shouldn't bother the youngsters in OKC. Let's look at some match ups.

Point Guard:
Jason Kidd vs. Russell Westbrook

Jason Kidd couldn't have been happier to see old man Fisher in the Lakers series, but Russell Westbrook is a whole nother story. He's about 100 speeds quicker than Kidd ever was, and he has the size to post up Jason, as well as defend Kidd when he tries to post up (as he so often tries to do against opposing PG's). If Kidd can keep up his 3 point shooting, this might not be as lopsided, but this match up should be dominated by the Thunder.

Shooting Guard:
Deshawn Stevenson vs. Thabo Sefolosha

Neither of these guys is as good as their back-ups but the guy with the name that nobody can remember or pronounce is a defensive specialist who may see some time against Dirk in spurts. This one is pretty much a wash, but I give a slight edge to the Thunder since Stevenson is pretty much useless. By the way, he needs to stop doing the Tony Yayo/John Cena thing after every basket. When you hit 2 shots a game, you have no right to celebrate, and the announcers always incorrectly say it means he can't feel his face because he's so hot (which is cool but wrong).

Small Forward:
Shawn Marion vs. Kevin Durant

Not even close. OKC by a hundred miles.

Power Forward:
Dirk Nowitzki vs. Serge Ibaka

These guys games are so completely different. Ibaka plays the more typical Power Forward game in the Oakley mode, while we all know how Dirk does. Who do you think wins this match up?


Center:
Tyson Chandler vs. Kendrick Perkins

Danny Ainge isn't looking so good these days as Perkins is still playing for a Finals berth, and his Celtics looked so overmatched by the Heat. Perk has added a lot of toughness to the young Thunder and can still get pretty damn nasty, while Tyson is probably the best center still playing in the playoffs. Edge to the Mavs here.

Bench:

Dallas's strong suit (besides Dirk) is their super subs (I don't think they actually have a nickname). They absolutely dominated the Lakers bench, but OKC has some decent reserves themselves in James Harden and Eric Maynor and a couple others. If Barea, Stojakovic and Terry can keep up the pace they were playing at a couple weeks ago though, this should be advantage Dallas.

Coach:

I didn't give Rick Carlisle much credit before the L.A. series but he almost outcoached the great Phil Jackson at some points. Scott Brooks was a scrappy, little white point guard who somehow forged a career in the NBA, and his toughness rubs off on his squad a little, it seems. I like Brooks as a coach a lot and give him the edge over the more experienced Carlisle.

How will the series pan out? Hell if I know. Even though I probably watch close to 40
hours of NBA basketball a week, I can't predict how anything will turn out this postseason. My instinct is to say Dallas should win being that they have more experience, have outplayed pretty much every team in the league so far this Spring, and Dirk is playing at a phenomenal level, but nothing is going as planned so far so I'll say Oklahoma City in 6.

Bulls vs Heat Game 1 Recap: First Blood

I'm going to try to recap what I think will be the best series of the 2011 playoffs (although every thing I've predicted thus far has been wrong) since there's about 2 weeks in between each game. Nice of David Stern to give me time to get my thoughts together. So, let's get it started.

Last night saw the Bulls draw first blood. Like most game 1s, it can go any of many different ways. The team that just won a grueling or emotional series (in this case the Heat) can either carry that momentum into this next series, or can experience the hangover from exerting all that energy. The Heat started off the game looking like they would fall into the former category. LeBron had a steal, 50 foot assist to Wade for a dunk, another steal, dunk and block shot in about 90 seconds. I immediately texted Bottle that LeBron was poised to dominate, however before I could even press send on a "Bron is dominating" (or something witty like that) text to Hater J. all hell broke loose. Brooklyn's own Taj Gibson absolutely posterized Chicago homeboy D-Wade. It's the type of dunk that will be shown over and over again until M@d $cientist contemplates giving up on sports forever. The type of dunk that Scoop Jackson could write an entire article about. The type of dunk that gets blown way out of proportion by everyone who writes about it. So maybe it's not the turning point in the series or a sign that "these Bulls are for real" or something silly like that, but it was a hell of a play.

And on the game went, back and forth, the Bulls bench outplaying the Miami subs (no surprise there) MVP D. Rose calming down after the early turnovers to hit a bunch of 3s and Chris Bosh of all people dominating down low. Eric Spoelstra made the curious decision to keep Big Zydrunas in a suit, even though you would think that his ability to hit the stand-still jumper would work vs. Noah, who likes to roam the paint. No matter, Bosh seemed out to dominate Boozer after the blatant disrespect that Carlos showed him during the ATL series, refusing to even call him by name and only referring to the Big 2 (even if he's right). The TNT guys said that Boozer was mostly irked that he didn't get an invite to the Heat this off-season and there was a little jealousy happening there. Imagine if Boozer had gone to the Heat, they would have the two most hated players in Cleveland history in their starting lineup. The only thing that could make Cleveland angrier would be to suit Art Modell up in a pair of Heat shorts and let him play power forward. Whatever drove him, Bosh dominated.

Unfortunately for the Heat, he was the only one who showed up. Wade struggled most of the game, and LeBron (whether it was due to Luol Deng's D or not) never got it going after the 1st minute that got me so excited. A close game in the third quarter (Miami actually had a 1 point lead) turned into a Chicago explosion punctuated by another Taj NBA Jam like dunk. I expect the Heat to play much better next game, but the Bulls defense may prove to be too much for them to keep from coming back to Miami down 2-0. So expect the Heat to win by 20.
TAJ!!!!

Best and Worst Superhero Movies

With the success of Kenneth Branagh's Thor and the excitement over the new X-Men, Spiderman, Green Lantern and Captain America movies coming to an African bootlegger's spread out sheet on Fulton St. very soon, let's add to the hype overkill and look at the greatest and stupidest Superhero movies of all time.

Best:

Batman:
Compared to newer superhero flicks, this one seems a little dated. But Tim Burton set the stage for the more sophisticated big budget blockbuster comic book movies, and that Batman logo is still one of the cooler posters.
Spiderman 1 & 2:
Maybe the first superhero movie to explore the psychology of why someone would become a superhero, and also featured some great effects.

Batman Begins and The Dark Knight:The gold standard in comic book movies, the first movie to almost get you to believe that a guy would put on a funny suit and jump around beating up bad guys (I especially like the scenes where Bruce Wayne is testing out different costume technology) and featured some great set pieces and acting (as far as superhero movies go).

X-Men:
The first X-men was a very solid film, not as bloated with mutant shenanigans as the next couple of X-movies. Not as much character development as the ones I previously mentioned, but very good nonetheless.

Iron Man:
Brought Robert Downey Jr. back to superstardom (maybe bigger than he ever was pre-drugs) and Tony Stark was a cool, fun playboy alternative to Bruce Wayne's solemn, rich but miserable hero.


Worst:

The Hulk (both versions):
Brokeback Mountain director Ang Lee didn't get much right with his version of the big green guy, but the next version with Ed Norton as an ornery Bruce Banner wasn't much better. The cartoonish Hulk (although he probably cost as much as the GDP of many small countries) actually looked worse than the original Lou Ferrigno hulk of the 70s.

Daredevil:
Hard to find anything good in this piece of trash. Ben Affleck is even less believable as a superhero than he is as a South Bahston tough guy. Even Matt Murdock could see this was a bad idea from the jump.

The Punisher (80's version):
Dolph Lundgren grunted his way through this 80's adaptation of Marvel's most violent character. Dolph couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag, but the biggest mistake in this whole mess might be the decision to leave the iconic Punisher Skull off his chest.

Spiderman 3:
The poster boy for shitty sequel: convoluted plot that was probably rewritten by 5 different screen writers, one too many villains crammed in, and an overall boring movie that looks like it was the obligatory third film in the contract of almost everyone involved.


Superman 3:
A blemish on Christopher Reeve's resume (may he rest in peace), thankfully not too many people remember much about this one except that it was God awful, Richard Pryor was in it, and it was referenced in "Office Space".

Batman and Robin:
Wacky director Joel Shumacher has admitted that he intentionally played up the homoerotic nature of the relationship between Batman and Robin, so you weren't the only one reminded of Ace and Gary every time there was a close up of Bat nipple or crotch. Thank God Christopher Nolan revived this franchise, scrubbing away the camp and overall goofyness that made this movie such an unwatchable turd. Tim Burton had ratcheted up the camp value a little in Batman Returns, but this looked like a gay fever dream.

We'll keep our hopes up that the upcoming Spiderman reboot and Avengers film are more like the first movies on this list than the later ones. If I missed any, let it be known, geeks.

The PTU End of the World Bucket List

The end of the world is this Saturday around 6 p.m. (Eastern time, I presume. Jesus would totally be a New Yorker). What with the busy work schedules and social calendars of so many of us though, it's hard to accomplish everything you wanted while inhabiting the mortal world, before the millennial rapture. It's going to get pretty damn busy on Earth over the next 700 years, with all the tribulation dealings going on. So, before you line up for your mark of the beast bar-code and prepare yourself for an eternity of either damnation or bliss alongside Christ, what do you still need to scratch off the ol' New York bucket list?:

1) Gamble your life savings at the Belmont Race Track:

As previously chronicled on this very blog, M@d $cientist, Captain Power and two other guys made a pilgrimage to the holy grail of racing, the Kentucky Derby last week. They came back with wondrous stories, a carton of Newports (at half the cost of New York City prices) and not one STD to speak of. All in all, it sounded pretty boring. Beat the biblical blues, and hit up Belmont race track in Long Island instead. Before our Savior brings his wrath to those who have forsaken him, you have to experience at least once tall boys of Heineken on the LIRR ride over and then a couple hours alongside degenerates straight out of a Bukowski novel. Might as well let Junior's college fund go now for the thrill of the gamble.

2) Visit The Museum of the Moving Image in Astoria, Queens:

This may sound like one of the worst ways to spend your last week as member of a functioning modern society, but this place is really cool. Formerly a much smaller wing of the Astoria Kaufman studios next door, this newly renovated museum features a ridiculously large collection of movie memorabilia, from the Linda Blair head used in The Exorcist to the original script for Taxi Driver to Natalie Portman's prosthetic legs in Black Swan. The second floor also has some 3-d installations that would be especially mind-blowing on mushrooms.

3) Marry your significant other/ or divorce your Wife/Husband:

Might as well get this out of the way. No one wants to die alone, so get married already, what are you waiting for? If you're already married, get a divorce, it's run it's course already.

4) Run a Half Marathon in a major NYC park:

Most people I know seem to have already done this, but if you haven't why not push yourself like Prefontaine? Seems like one thing you'd want to accomplish before it's too late. In heaven, everyone already has a perfect body, so running seems like a waste of time, and if you're stuck down here, you'll be busy doing other things I'm sure.

5) Run a 5 on 5 full court game at "the cage" on West 4th:

Although it's been immortalized in the classic video game NBA Street, and is a tourist attraction for hoops fans worldwide, the competition here is not all that great on most days. Stumble by on your way from Peculiar pub and you can get a little run in before the leagues hold their games. Even if it's the end of the world you probably don't want to try your luck at Rucker park.

5) Have wild, unprotected sex with strangers.

6) Eat like a fatass:

Hit up the Waffle and Dinges food truck in Park Slope and on occasion, Midtown Manhattan; Eat an entire Peanut Butter and Jelly cupcake from CRUMBS; Have a burger and a couple of beers at Lugers. Eat an entire square pie from L&B's to the face; You'll only have your earthly body for another couple days anyway, might as well abuse it while you can.

7) Burn down your junior high school:

Wait until no one's there. You don't need senseless murders on your record before Christ opens the books on you, but you know you've dreamt of this.

See you on the other side!

Tip Included . . . Not

If you lucky enough to afford field level seating at Yankee Stadium, you don't have to fetch your food and drink, but instead can have it delivered directly to you. You'll pay an additional twenty percent service fee for the convenience and any "additional gratuity" you deem necessary. Funny thing about this involuntary service fee is that your server doesn't get the full twenty percent. Instead, servers receive about five percent of their gross sales, but would presumably receive the full amount of any additional gratuity. Servers, however, are not permitted to explain the fee to customers, so it's highly unlikely they receive any additional gratuity from people that think they just tipped twenty percent. This is what a new class action lawsuit against Legendary Hospitality alleges.

I understand that Legendary Hospitality (co-owned by New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys, and Goldman Sachs) is a business trying to maximize profits, but obviously they're taking advantage of their customers and their servers in this case. I am fine with them charging more for the convenience of getting your food delivered directly to you, i.e. having a different price list for the items. Instead of their being a different price list though, there is a disclaimer on the cup holders stating, "A 20% service charge will be added to all listed prices. Any additional gratuity is at your discretion." This suggests to the customer that the items are priced the same and that they're tipping their server when they pay the fee. In reality, the items are actually twenty percent more expensive and they're not tipping their server.

Here is my problem with this arrangement. If people knew they were paying twenty percent more and not tipping their server, they would realize they would have to pay a thirty percent premium on their order (assuming they tip at least ten percent) to tip decent. If I knew that, I would probably go get what I wanted myself rather than pay twenty percent more and not tip, or pay thirty percent more to tip decent. Not everybody would go this route, but I think it would be enough people to make the concessions significantly less profitable over the course of a season.

I believe that the people running the concessions at Legendary know this, so they reasoned that if they suggest that this mark up is actually a gratuity, people would be okay with paying the mark up. By not letting the customer know that this is not a gratuity, Legendary is taking advantage of people's good nature (wanting to tip the servers) and the servers by depriving them of money that customers intend to be their tip. I'm okay with charging more, but be honest about it. That way people can decide for themselves whether it's worth the cost.

Inside The Pinstripe Curtain: A Mets Fan Goes To The Yankees Legends Suite

As you may know from my previous posts about how I'm fed up with the Mets futility, for some unknown reason I'm life long Mets fan. To be honest, I have almost zero interest in the Mets 2011 season except for my hope that the ownership will change. When the opportunity came up to go to this weekends Yanks-Redsox game in seats 9 rows behind home plate, I couldn't pass it up despite my allegiance to that other NY team. I even decided I would do something I've never done before and root for the Yankees, since it seemed like a waste to sit in good seats and root for Boston. As it turns out, maybe a Mets fan rooting for the Yankees wasn't so good for them, since they played so poorly that I felt like I was at a Mets game (as of this writing, the Yanks are down by 2 runs and are a few outs away from a sweep).

In any case, I always wondered what the hell you get for paying $275 per seat face value for these types of tickets, especially since I usually buy 5 dollar tickets on Stub Hub for Mets games and stand up the whole time by Beer Island. I tried to get as many pictures as I could without looking like a poor homeless person that snuck into the rich people section, check them out after the jump. Pretty much everything in these seats is "free", except for your alcohol.