Hey Folks we are back, and just like the NFL we get some bye weeks too. The last two weeks I have had some interesting experiences with a company that offers to give you sports picks for a price. The first week I contacted them I got a free pick as advertised and it was a winner. "AWESOME"is what I thought, I did had a friend of mine contact them and he got a free pick, and it was a winner "AWESOME TIMES 2" All the time they told me that yes these picks are free, but we normally charge $500.00 a week. "WOAH" is what I thought I mentioned to them that I am not a big gambler, that the most I ever wagered on a game was $100.00, the service then on mention you get 7 picks for $250.00 this week. I told them I would have to think about it. I spoke to my buddy who had gotten a free pick as well and he said it may be worth the expense, again I had to think about it. So my buddy received more calls from them and finally my buddy broke down and said "hey I only have $220.00 bucks" They guy was like "I'll charge your card only $200.00 and i'll give you seven picks" the service then went on to give him two picks that day and they were both winners. I wish I could tell you the story ends with them just giving us more and us still paying them $500.00 a week since we are winning and they are winning. Well what happened over the next week was just not call, they kept harassing my buddy to up sale him to $4,500 a month for a month's worth of picks and of course if he is only wagering a small amount how can one start the week when your minus $4,500?
The final outcome was my buddy stopped taking their calls and he never got the rest of picks he was due. Overall he went 5 &1 with their picks, but any winnings he got, he put towards his life bills and couldn't double up , or make a huge score, had the service just done what it promised to do, I bet my buddy would have started making bigger bets and paying a bigger weekly fee with this company, but all well.
Now on to tonight's action. Teasing is what is going on tonight and it goes like this MIAMI FLORIDA +3 MIAMI FLORIDA vrs NORTH CAROLINA TOTAL u75½ SEATTLE +5½ SEATTLE vrs ARIZONA TOTAL o28½ Good luck to all tonight
"The Hipsters are coming . THE HIPSTERS ARE COMING" Are what they screamed as the announcement of this Beer Garden was going to be opened. Well to be honest if Hipsters love Artisan Sausages and Fancy Hot Dogs, then I expect to come in my the hundreds. But I am not a Hipster and I am not really sure what one is, but I didn't like my experience at The Lock Yard. Let me break it down for you
First I really liked the Pink Lemonade
It was not too sweet it was refreshing and provided a nice exhilarating quenching of my thirst. It all went down hill from there. I found the menu limiting if I was in the mood for hot dogs and sausages maybe I would have had a different experience, so I tried to make the best of my limited options and ordered a Kings Smoked Beef and Cheddar Sausage with onions. I'm not sure what the bread roll was that they gave it to me in but it dwarfed the sausage and I felt like all I was tasting was onions . Along with my order I ordered waffle fries with two dipping sauces. The first sauce I order was Carolina Gold BBQ and Sweet Bourbon Mustard. The Carolina Gold BBQ was really good, but the Sweet Bourbon Mustard was not sweet or any good, I spoke to a manager about it , he came back with replacement sauce but I didn't taste any improvement. When my fries arrived I thought things were picking up since they brought what appeared to be two portions of fries, now I started thinking "interesting generous portions of fries". When my bill came I got the bad news that for every dipping sauce I ordered , I apparently ordered another portion of fries. So I don't know if my server was just bad or this is a normal practice at The Lock Yard. Along with my experience I ate outside.
It looked nice at outside, but as you see it was pretty empty. Overall I didn't have a good experience , but I am willing to give the place another try, but nexttime I'll be in the mood for some hot dogs.
Today we have a special edition of Not for Losers, not only do we have my mush friend's pick, but I have the pick of an expert. Since game time is in an hour I will spare you the mush loss of the week and just give you his pick and the experts pick.
The Mush likes 49ers -3.5 and the over 42.5.
The Expert likes the 49ers -3
Good Luck and use at your own risk. I am actually taking the experts advice tonight :-)
"I quit" is what my mush friend told me this week as I was asking for his pick for tonight's game. He gave me the run around, I finally found out that he didn't really quit and went on to bet the over on Monday night's game, of course he lost. As game time is only 1.5 hours away, I'll spare you the long version and just tell you what my mush friend is betting tonight. He likes Philly and the over.
Welcome to this weeks edition of N.F.L. (Not of Losers). Last weekend I was in Atlantic City with my Mush friend and I witnessed him loss with pocket Aces all in pre-flop not once, not twice, but four times. On one of those occasions he even flopped a set and lost to runner runner straight. In true gambling form this didn't stop my mush friend from betting on the Pats -12.5 and Over on last Thursday nights game, sorry fans for dropping the ball on not letting you know that little nugget of gambling wisdom, but to make it up to you I asked him for his "lock" of the week. He likes N.Y. Giants +4 and Under 55 points. As always I say use this knowledge how ever you wish , but at your own risk lol.
The Jets won an exciting game to day on a last second field goal, that was set up by a penalty by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jets Fans have gone crazy are partying in the streets and claiming that a super bowl is only 20 weeks away.
Well Jets Fans I wanna show you what happened the last time you were overly excited about a QB that won a game for you
I still think this Geno's is the best on the east coast.
Tonight is the night, FOOTBALL Begins, but here at PTU we are bias . We all bleed blue, except for Bottle who every once in a while claims to be a Jets fan. So instead of breaking down tonight's game we will break down the up and coming season. First lets look at the schedule.
Schedule
1 Sep 8 @ DAL. Giants own Dallas at Dallas, I don't expect this season to be any different 1-0
2 Sep 15 DEN Denver is a Super Bowl favorite and Peyton is going to have extra days to prepare against the Giants 1-1
3 Sep 22 @ CAR Giants should handle Cam Newton and the Panthers easily 2-1
4 Sep 29 @ KC Even thou Kansas City is greatly improved they won't be improved enough to beat the Giants 3-1
5 Oct 6 PHI By this Point in the season I expect the Eaglas offense to gel and finally start beating othere teams and one of those teams will be the Giants 3-2
6 Oct 10 @ CHI Bears don't scare me and they won't scare the Giants 4-2
7 Oct 21 MIN When I think of the Vikings I think of Nightmare games for Eli , I don't know why they have his number but they do 4-3
8 Oct 27 @ PHI By this point the Giants should be able to adjust to the Eaglas new offense and beat them 5-3
Week 9 Bye
10 Nov 10 OAK Come on its the Raider 6-3
11 Nov 17 GB Now if your a Giants fan like me you know they always lose 3 games in a row , so expect a loss here 6-4
12 Nov 24 DAL here 6-5
13 Dec 1 @ WAS BUT what wait Redskins during week 13 , but this point RG3 won't be as quick and agile as he might be during weeks 1,2, or 3. Giants win a close one 7-5
14 Dec 8 @ SD Chargers are terrible 8-5
15 Dec 15 SEA Seattle was impressive last year , but as you know that means nothing in the NFL I look for the Giants to win this game 9-5
16 Dec 22 @ DET Lions shouldn't be playing for anything at this point, Giants will be playing for the Division . I expect the Giants to take care of business. 10-5
17 Dec 29 WAS If I thought RG3 would have health problems in week 13, by week 17 he should be in a wheel chair or on the sidelines. Giants win this game and the Division 11-5
So the Giants are going 11-5 how will that happened?
Offense
Its all about Eli Manning if he throws for 250 to 300 yard every game, they won't be losing. If he throws for more then 300 yards I expect that to be a bad thing as they will be far behind and need him to light it up. David Wilson needs to come up big in the running game and protect Eli in the passing packages.
Defense
Giants were Ranked 31st in total Defense in 2012. This has and will improve in 2013. I expect the D line and Line backers to be the strong points of this defense with the secondary improving the most.
Either way 2013 is looking to be an exciting year for the NY Giants and Giants fans.
Hello PTU readers and welcome to what will hopefully be a weekly segment. I like to call this segment "Not For Losers" Its where I select one match up during the N.F.L. season and ask how my mush friend who he likes in the game and then bet the opposite. Now why would I bet the opposite? Well this man was once a millionaire and I never seen him win a sports bet when his life depended on it and at this point of his life it does. He is running colder than an Eskimo in a freezer, well enough of my banter. Here is his pick for Thursday Night
Denver -8.5 and Under 48
You should take advice from people how know more then me
Unless you've been either living under a rock or using this blog as your only source of current events, you know there was a pretty big and pretty controversial trial recently. Trayvon Martin's killer, George Zimmerman walked off Scott free this past Saturday. A free man, able to play cops and robbers with real bullets wherever he very well pleases for the rest of his life, which won't be very long if you ask Victor Cruz. I'm not going to break down the specifics of this case, or what it means in the grand scheme of things or says about RACE IN AMERICA, or whatever. You've made up your mind already about what you think of the verdict and it's actually a very complex situation. Trayvon wasn't an angelic child whose joy for life was only exceeded by his love for Skittles and he wasn't a gang banging ne'er do well who if he wasn't casing GZ's gated community for open windows to jump in and wreak havoc he would have eventually like some believe. He also wasn't him. Zimmerman isn't history's greatest monster either. That's her. One thing is absolute though: George Zimmerman is half White and half Hispanic just like some of our writers here at PTU. And also just like these folks:
5) Tony Romo
While I originally thought Mark Sanchez was half White, it turns out that he's not at all. He's all Mexican. But Dallas Cowboys quarterback is indeed only half of a Mexican. He might try and hide his Latino side by only dating blond White girls and rarely if ever driving a car service, but it's there. Mexicans and White people can argue over which side is the one that tosses all those interceptions and chokes in the playoffs.
4) Bottle
Who's Bottle? Well, he's many things to many people. A doting father, cheating husband, master sandwich maker and prolific writer of nearly none of your favorite articles on PTU. He does it all. He's also half Dominican.
3) Juan Epstein
There's no rules to this shit. I can include a fictional character in this list if I want, and it's impossible to make a goofy list of part Hispanic people without including Buchanan High's resident Jewish and Puerto Rican class clown. He's also the inspiration for Hot 97's morning show title featuring Jewish hip hop head Peter Rosenberg and Rican former Funk master Flex lackey Cipha Sounds. Not as funny a mixed race combination as Tony Soprano's nickname for Meadow's half black half Jewish boyfriend "Jamal Ginsberg" but a worthy addition to this list.
2) Charlie Sheen
If we had made this list two years ago he would have been number one in a landslide. It seems like a century ago that this dude hijacked pop culture for about a month. It was a lot like Linsanity in that way, except instead of a mild mannered Christian Chinese point guard that captured the nation's attention it was an aging actor addicted to hookers and blow. Off the strength of Major League and Hot Shots alone he deserves placement on here, and we'll try and forget about 2 and a Half Men and Anger Management.
1) Jessica Alba
Look at her, she has to be number one on any list.
For some of you its your birthday today, for about a few million people in the United States today marks the end of tax season. If for some reason you haven't filed your taxes yet, you should get an extension. I'm not providing you with any tax advice, but if you want to know how to do it, the IRS has a link for you.
I would like to point out the most important part of what the IRS has to say in that link.
"Please be aware that an extension of time to file is NOT an extension of time to pay."
I hope you all enjoy this tax season , not sure how you can but I couldn't think of a better way to end this post.
they had just lost 4 in a row and they 4th loss was to the Raptors. I am making this apology not because they recently one 12 in the row I am making it because I was a dumb angry fan. So first off let me say I am sorry Knick nation and second of all I am happy I flew off the handle that just means I care. I try to forget those Knick years that Johnny Bagels knows to well, where they had clowns playing for them and very clowner coaches. In short I want to say regards of the seasons outcome its light years better then those sad dark Knick years and I'm sorry.
Call out sick today, streak through the streets, break some car windows, punch a stranger in the face! It's a celebration for haters everywhere, as well as for those that embrace all that is right and just in the world. The Miami Heat have finally lost a game! These past two months have been a non-stop barrage of LeBron worship and general fawning over the greatness that is the Miami Heat. You couldn't turn on ESPN or read a sports related blog without incessant chatter over everything that is wonderful about the Heat. And I hated it. I dreaded even watching Sportscenter and not just for the incredibly lame jokes the anchors tell. I kind of understand how those Americans stuck in Iran felt in Argo. The Heat juggernaut held all of us haters hostage for nearly 2 months! But now we can breathe easy. It's beginning to almost feel like Spring in the tri-state area: the sky is blue, the sun is shining, girls are starting to wear skirts and there's a great big L next to the Heat's name in the sports section.
Enjoy it for now, fellow haters. While the taste of defeat is sweet, alas it is short lived. The Heat are still a dominant team, and I know I wasn't the only person who felt like Miami would still pull a win out of their ass even when they were down 9 with 2 minutes left. And they were a defensive rebound away from having a chance to make it a one possession game with about a minute left but Carlos Boozer (who made some great and some really, really stupid plays last night) scored on a put back to seal it. They've shown they're on another level when they really focus and it's a scary thing for every other team and fan base in the NBA. But, there's a slight glimmer of hope that the haters can take solace in. The short-handed Bulls who started Nazr Mohammed in place of Joakim Noah (ugh) and still without D Rose pushed the Heat around a bit and frustrated LeBron, so much so that he committed his first flagrant foul since 2007 (which oddly enough was on Wade back when James was with the Cavs) on a elbow to the chest of Boozer. It was strange to see, the usually unflappable LeBron losing his cool like that. That's usually the stuff that mere mortal hot heads like Carmelo pull. But the Bulls pushed, bumped and even tackled (see the photo above) LeBron all night and provided a blueprint for other teams to maybe have a chance against Miami. Much like the bad boy Pistons employed the "Jordan Rules" which was little more than just sending 3 of their goons to assault MJ on every drive to the basket, Chicago basically let Bron and the Heat know that if they were going to beat them it would hurt. But oh does it feel good to be a hater today. Enjoy it for now, my comrades in Heat Hate. We might not like LeBron when he's angry.
Like many New Yorkers I live in an apartment building, and with that comes much stress and heartache. Chief among those annoyances is living within close proximity to other humans. Either Sartre or Woody Allen or someone said "Hell is other people" and no one understands that as well as people who live in New york city apartments. While all manner of other people have their annoying quirks, one of the worst types of people to cohabitate with is the elderly. Man, do old people suck. You may think that all old folks are cute, wise little fellas like the guy from Up, but in reality the majority of old people are bitter, angry coots who at this point in their life have nothing but time to yell at young people.
If you're wondering where this sudden hatred of old people has come from, (full disclosure time), this morning I had a run-in with the old crank who lives directly below me. He's a crusty, ancient Russian man who I'm sure lived through all manner of hardships back in his mother country and now takes out his bottled up rage and despair on the well-meaning blogger who lives above him. I feel bad that he had to wait on line for an entire afternoon for a loaf of bread when I spend most of my afternoons binge watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix and eating take out pad thai, but that's no excuse to scream at me in broken English first thing in the morning. I don't like people to tell me they love me when I first wake up, never mind yelling nonsense about not wearing shoes after midnight. If I wanted to be lectured on how loud I walk I would have stayed living at home, Boris! Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm the model neighbor. I'm barely home, and when I am I lay on my couch and watch NBA League Pass for 4 hours before shuffling to my bathroom and then my bedroom at 11:30. No parties, no screaming babies or pets, in fact I probably walk as little as humanly possible when I'm in my apartment. I'm practically a piece of furniture. I hope when I move out, a family of 15 insomniac circus performers moves in and tap dances and does aerobics all night long. If only this guy knew how good he has it.
The NBA's premiere weekend is here and it's really not very exciting. It's always been a fairly ridiculous event, the allstar game and it's accompanying BS, but over the past decade it's really gotten silly. The game itself has devolved into less than a glorified pick up game. At least in a pick up game, both teams are still playing hard to win. It's more like 24 hung over guys goofin around and showing off for a couple hours, because that's exactly what it is. And the dunk contest and 3 point shootouts (once the centerpiece of All star weekend) have steadily declined as all of the big names refuse to participate. I don't care how good they are at dunking, nobody cares to see Jeremy Evans and Terrance Ross (two guys so bad they don't even get playing time for Utah and Toronto) battle it out. Nevertheless, the show must go on and this year All star weekend will be just crawling with Knickerbockers. You have Melo and Chandler in the big game, as well as Novak in the 3 point shootout and James "Flight" White fittingly participating in the no-name dunk contest. The Knicks have had quite a few guys dunking for Sprite throughout the years, though, some memorable and some not so much.
Doug Christie (1996)
Everyone remembers Doug Christie as a key member of the exciting Sacramento Kings teams of the early 2000s and for being a pussy whipped loser but most people forget his tenure with the orange and blue. Not much came of his time here, but he was in a dunk contest. 1996 was a weird time for dunking right before Vinsanity and after the glory days of the 80s when people were trying to do things like kicking it to themselves like Doug does here. This video is fun to see Patrick Ewing looking very excited, Kenny Smith in an amazing shirt and Reggie Miller choking himself in anticipation. The bounce between the legs off the backboard dunk was actually a Kenny Smith original.
Kenny Walker (1989) (Champion '89)
Kenny "Sky" Walker was a fan favorite in the late 80s for the knicks and it's easy to see why. He had the smoothest flat top (sorry Shumpert), and even rocked a gold chain during the contest ala MJ. He kind of looks like a skinny Heavy D. This one here was the winner, and it might not look so great now because, well, everything's been done now. You can tell by the reaction from Steve "Snapper" Jones and the crowd in the clip that this wasn't something that they were used to seeing. That's the thing about the 80s dunk contests, all this stuff was brand new. Nowadays, the average street baller could do half the shit Larry Nance could but back then it was pretty special. Anyway, Sky Walker was a cool guy.
John Starks (1992)
I'm not really sure how Starks snuck into the 92 contest as this was more than a year before his famous dunk against the Bulls and he really only had two types of in game dunks (either a side arm one hander or a two hand double pump reverse dunk) but here he is. Overall, 92 was a pretty good contest that included a pre back injury Grandmama, Plastic Man Stacey Augmon and most memorably Cedric Ceballos dunking while blindfolded (although legend has it he could see just fine the whole time). Starks's performance here is pretty boring (as such there's no standalone clips of it on YouTube) despite how excited Ewing is here. Check out those specs on Pat! You get the feeling that Ewing was just happy to have any of his teammates at All star weekend during the nineties with him.
Gerald Wilkins (1986, '87)
Aside from Peyton and Eli, athlete brothers are almost always unevenly matched. Brook and Robin Lopez, Horace and Harvey Grant, JR and his brother Chris Smith, Blake Griffin and whatever his brother's name is, Jason and Jeremy Giambi. And the Wilkins bros were no exception, as Dominique is one of the 50 greatest players ever and Gerald is known for being a self proclaimed Jordan stopper and failing miserably. Still, Gerald had a good couple years as a Knick and stood out as a high flyer. Good luck finding video of his dunk contests, but here's some highlights of his time with the Knicks and Cavs.
Nate Robinson (2006-2010) (Champion 06-08, '10)
Lil' Nate's a strange case. He should by all means be a fan favorite wherever he goes, and he's usually well liked especially by kids who can identify with his tiny stature, but he inevitably causes fan bases and coaches to hate him by the time he is ushered out of town. I don't know too many Knicks fans who were upset to see Nate go a few years back, and it's testament to how stupidly he could play and act that fans could turn on a guy who's under 6 feet like that. Still, that height is what propelled to him 3 dunk contest championships which is pretty much all the Knicks ever won from 06-10. His wins were somewhat tainted by how many attempts he would need for some of his dunks but dunking over fellow midget Spud Webb was a nice touch.
How will Flight White fare tomorrow? He's the odds on favorite to win it as of Friday afternoon, meaning the competition is not exactly stiff seeing as how he's a 30 year old journeyman who has maybe dunked twice all season. However it ends, expect to hear Kenny Smith lose his shit at least 7 times, and someone to proclaim the dunk contest is back. Also expect to hear Barkley poke fun at how unknown everyone is and there to be at least one celebrity used as a prop by one of the dunkers. See ya in Houston, everyone.
In cost-cutting maneuvers, the Giants released three of their veteran players this week: Michael Boley, Chris Canty and (maybe most surprisingly) Ahmad Bradshaw. After last week's second half of the season it was inevitable that some heads would roll, but few had envisioned one of those heads to be the team's number one running back Bradshaw. David Wilson flipped his way into the hearts of Giants fans this season but it's still unexpected. For his part, Bradshaw's handled the move with class and even hinted that he'd be open to returning for a lesser salary. Whatever ends up happening between now and September, let's take a look at the two most memorable moments in the Bradshaw and Boley era.
Bradshaw's unintentional game winning ass TD in 2011
and the greatest moment in Boley's career and worst moment in that poor bastard's life
Bagels' Note: I originally started this on Jay-z's actual birthday, December 4th, but got sidetracked with other stuff. Figured I might as well let it go now:
It's been said time and again, and with good reason, that hip hop is a young man's game. Like basketball and most other sports, the rap world is no country for old men. This is true for a number of reasons (the average age of rap fans, erosion of skills) but there are a few exceptions, chiefly everyone's favorite minority basketball owner, Brooklyn's own Shawn Carter aka Jay-z. Hov's been going hard for nearly 20 years now, something unheard of in modern music, let alone hip hop. It's safe to say that he's lost a tick off his fastball, but is still light years ahead of most of his much younger competition, never mind those other veterans his age still grasping to what's left of their career. Today is Jay's birthday (!), and in honor of this occasion we present the top 5 Jay-z verses of all time. I limited myself to only 2 verses from Reasonable Doubt since I could've basically made that entire album his top 50 verses or whatever. Hov!
5) Where I'm From (second verse)- In My Lifetime Vol.1
Jay's done a few Brooklyn anthems (Hello Brooklyn, Brooklyn We Go Hard), but Where I'm From is by far the best (Brooklyn's Finest is great but isn't really about BK as much as just Biggie and Jay talking shit). It's one of the high points of any Jigga concert. Live, Jay cuts it off after "Who's the best emcee, Biggie, Jay-z or Nas" as a transition to what's usually a Biggie song, but the second verse is the highlight of this one.
I'm from the place where the chruch is the flakiest
And niggas is praying to god so long that they Atheist
Where you can't put your vest away and say you'll wear it tomorrow
Cause the day after we'll be saying, damn I was just with him yesterday
I'm a block away from hell, not enough shots away from straight shells
An ounce away from a triple beam still using a hand-held weight scale
Your laughing, you know the place well
Where the Liqour Store's and the base dwell
And Government, fuck Government, niggas polotic themselves
4) Empire State of Mind (third verse)- Blueprint 3
This is one of those songs that was so relentlessly played to death that it's easy to look past it's lyrics. I'll admit the first two verses are kind of lame aside from all the New York references, but the third verse is sneaky good. Even for what's essentially a party song and a somewhat corny NY standard now, Jay slips in some rather dark lyrics about the dangers for young women in big cities.
"Anna the Wintour gets cold, in vogue with your skin out"
3) Dead Presidents II (first verse)- Reasonable Doubt
As I mentioned before, Jay's lost a bit off his fastball so it goes without saying that the majority of his best verses come from his first couple albums. Of all the greatness on Reasonable Doubt, though, his best verses are reserved for the more "serious" tracks, like the number one and two verses on this list. It's hard to pick one from Dead Presidents but I'll go with the first verse (as you can tell there's a theme of melancholy complexity to my choices even if I like when he talks about money, cash, hoes too). I've said it before, but while Jay-z wasn't the first guy to rap about being a drug dealer or criminal, he was the first to really look at dealing drugs in a complex way, or even express any remorse for selling drugs to his own people (Biggie and NaS flirted with this type of thing but never really went past explaining that they sold crack because they were poor more or less). Even when he's talking about murder, it's in a far more poetic way than any rapper up to this point (or maybe since) is able to.
Fuck em, they hate a nigga lovin his life
In all possible ways, know the Feds is buggin my life
Hospital days, reflectin when my man laid up
On the Uptown high block he got his side sprayed up
I saw his life slippin, this is a minor set back
Yo, still in all we livin, just dream about the get back
That made him smile though his eyes said, "Pray for me"
I'll do you one better and slay these niggas faithfully
Murder is a tough thing to digest, it's a slow process
and I ain't got nothin but time.
2) Can I Live (Reasonable Doubt)
Another classic banger off Hov's debut. If you were to play this for that one lady who never heard of Jay-z and then played something off Blueprint 3 or a verse off Watch The Throne, they'd think that you were playing some kind of not so funny joke on them. The voices are similar but how could the same guy who rapped, also rap "No I'm not a virgin, I use my cojones"? It's the same guy but sometime along the way, Jay (like most rappers) either got lazy off his money or his brain eroded. Either way, you'll never hear him rap like this again. I don't sleep, I'm tired, I feel wired like codeine, these days a brother gotta admire me from four fiends away My pain wish it was quick to see, from sellin 'caine til brains was fried to a fricaissie, can't lie At the time it never bothered me, at the bar gettin my thug on properly, my squad and me lack of respect for authority, laughin hard Happy to be escapin poverty, however brief I know this game got valleys and peaks, expectation for droughts, for precipitation we stack chips, hardly the youth I used to be, soon to see a mill'in No more, Big Willie my game has grown prefer you call me William Sheesh
1) D'evils (Reasonable Doubt)
I love this song. I tell everyone I know that this is the best ever Jay-z song, and here's the reasons: It has a beat by DJ Premier that doesn't really sound like a Primo beat but is still awesome and Jay raps about serious subjects without getting preachy or doing paint by number psycho babble like "I grew up around drug dealers, my environment made me what I am blah blah" (something he struggled to pull off later in his career) Great song.
We used to fight for building blocks
Now we fight for blocks with buildings that make a killing
The closest of friends when we first started
But grew apart as the money grew, and soon grew black-hearted
Thinking back when we first learned to use rubbers
He never learned so in turn I'm kidnapping his baby's mother
My hand around her collar, feeding her cheese
She said the taste of dollars was shitty so I fed her fifties
About his whereabouts I wasn't convinced
So I kept feeding her money 'til her shit started to make sense
Who could ever forsee, we used to stay up all night at slumber parties
now I'm trying to rock this bitch to sleep
All the years we were real close
Now I see his fears through her tears, know she's wishing we were still
close
Don't cry, it is to be
In time, I'll take away your miseries and make 'em mine, D'Evils...
By now everyone's heard about Notre Dame star Manti Te'o's strange relationship history. While his motivations are still unknown (as is whether he was in on the dead girlfriend hoax or not), one thing is for certain: Te'o is a sucker. There's no other way to put it. If he was in on the hoax, he's a jerk who manufactured a story to drum up Heisman support and if he wasn't in on it, he might be the dumbest man who ever lived. We can forgive college aged kids for certain indiscretions like drunken shenanigans or what have you, but could a guy born in the 90s really be that dense and unfamiliar with technology to be duped like this? Even if he's a mormon?
If you somehow haven't heard yet (and if you're reading this you probably have) I'll quickly sum it up: Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o had claimed that his girlfriend had died of leukemia, this story made the rounds from Sports Illustrated to CNN to ESPN and the Today Show. It was seen as one of those inspiring stories that transcends sports and would eventually be made into a sappy tv-movie, possibly on Lifetime, starring The Rock as Te'o and Selena Gomez (or someone similarly ethnic) as his dying love who propelled him to new heights (the movie would end abruptly after the starting lineups were introduced at the BCS Championship game). Yesterday, it was revealed that his girlfriend wasn't really dead, and here's the kicker, she didn't even exist. It was all a hoax. The only question now is was Manti in on it, or just an idiot? Either way, he's an idiot. If he thought he could get away with a fabricated story of a dying girlfriend in this day and age, when websites like Deadspin exist for the purpose of breaking wacky stories like this (and their name takes on a new meaning today, I wonder if people just now hearing of Deadspin for the first time think that it's a website dedicated to fake death stories) then he's stupid. And if he believed he was carrying on a love affair with a Stanford student for 3 years, never actually met her, and then believed that she died, he is really, really stupid. I'm a few years older than this guy, but my generation is very familiar with social networks and technology, long distance relationships are made (if not easier) much more hands-on through things like Skype and Facetime. It's virtually impossible to not see a person who you are in a relationship with. He's also a minor celebrity who travelled a lot, there's no way he wouldn't have at least once, seen someone who claimed to be this girl. Was there someone masquerading as Lennay Kukua (a made up sounding name if I've ever heard one)? This is beginning to seem like Te'o was a pathological liar, seeing as how he also told his father that he met her at least once, and that she even visited them in Hawaii. I can't believe that anyone under the age of 30 is that gullible. I realize that there's plenty of suckers out there who've been scammed by people who say they are what they aren't on the internet, enough to sustain a film and MTV series. This whole thing just seems like Te'o was using a fictional story to get attention. He cooked up a scheme to milk sentiment from viewers and Heisman voters. Using death (even fake death) for your own personal gain, lying to millions. That's maybe even more of a sucker move than just being fooled by a prankster. Either way, he's a sucker.
Kevin Garnett is King Asshole. This is well known in baskeball circles, and basically anywhere that he is well known. The whole world is realizing it now, though, following the events that transpired at the Garden last Monday. While shit talking is an accepted part of basketball and most sports (besides baseball where the "unwritten rules" are longer than the Bible), there are unspoken boundaries that everyone abides by when trying to get in an opponent's head. Everyone that is except for a few assholes like KG. Everyone knows from the playground to the pros, you keep spouses (or girlfriends), family, and kids (or other sensitive subjects like diseases) out of it. Now, saying someone's wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios isn't as bad as saying "happy mother's day" to a guy who's mother died a few years prior, but it's still a jerky move. Unsurprisingly, Garnett didn't really give much a reaction when Melo confronted him on the court, doing a backpedal move that was eerily reminiscent of Melo himself a few years ago, as he usually only shows some real fight when his opponent is at least a foot shorter, Euorpean or a combination of both. Of course, he's not the only asshole in the league, the Association is chock full of guys who deserve a kick in the nuts, or in the very least a place on the NBA All-Asshole Team.
Point Guard
Isiah Thomas
My hatred for this guy is well documented, but Zeke holds the rare distinction of being an a-hole throughout two generations of NBA basketball. Not only was he the biggest asshole on a team full of assholes, but he managed to be an even bigger dick in his transition to front office jobs. Let's start with his playing career though. It's often said that teams take on the personality of their best players and never was that more true than the Pistons of the 80s. Regarded now as an example of the "nastiness" that's required for successful NBA teams, the Bad Boys were really just more mind numbingly annoying than bad. This was a squad that featured Dennis Rodman, who even before he turned into a freak show was notoriously dirty and stupid, Joe Dumars, a quiet snake in the grass, Rick Mahorn whose known for two things, his big ass and his dirty play, and of course, Bill Laimbeer, a big White guy so reviled that it's a wonder he never played for the Celtics. He's now paying his penance as a WNBA coach, a hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. But steering the ship was Isiah. A man petty enough to encourage a freeze out of Michael Jordan in the all star game, and orchestrate a walk off the court without shaking hands after losing to the Bulls. He was such a prick, it's rumored MJ kept him off the original Dream team. His douche bag playing days were equalled if not surpassed by his career as an Executive and head coach. I won't get into everything shitty he did, but if you want to relive the horror, you can here.
Shooting Guard
Kobe Bryant/Reggie Miller
I'm always on #teamkobe. I've spent a better part of my adult life defending him to his legion of haters (a group that has dwindled with the emergence of LeBron James as the guy we love to loathe) but even I have to admit he's a really big asshole. His fans (like me) can always deflect the asshole accusations with "MJ was a jerk too" and "you have to be that way to be great" but that doesn't take away from the fact that Kobe may be one of the more obnoxious humans that ever lived, never mind picked up a basketball. Ever since his early days as a too big for his britches rookie, he's rubbed people the wrong way. And it's not surprising that he would grow into the immature person that he is now, seeing as how he was basically a child star (hard to be well adjusted when you take Brandy to your prom). Not only is he essentially impossible to play with, but he's also a possible snitch, a possible rapist and a definitely bad rapper. His philosophy on being a leader is from the Jordan school of either berating your lesser teammates to the brink of tears or just ignoring them all together. He doesn't appear to have any friends (even Derek Fisher only barely tolerates him, and this is a guy who is probably his best friend) and he's now entered the latter stage of his career as one of those old black guys who says crazy things because he can ala Bill Cosby, MJ again, and Barkley.
As for Reggie, I couldn't make a list of NBA players who are assholes and leave off this ugly monkey. Known as much for his shooting ability as his flopping and showboating (him bowing to the Chicago crowd right before Toni Kukoc nails a buzzer beater is a pretty sweet video), Reggie may not have been a fake tough guy like KG, but that's only because he's a huge gaping pussy hole. He was annoying enough to goad hot heads like Starks and Jordan into wanting to kill and/or headbutt him, but I can guarantee he's never had a fight in his life. If you thought that he was unbearable when he played, though, just wait until you see him in his post playing life as a TNT "analyst". The classic example of an ex athlete hired because he is "well spoken" (i.e. talks White), Reggie makes more fuck ups when speaking than a drunk George W. Bush. On a channel that employs Shaq and Barkley, Reggie comes off as the dumbest ex player of all time. That's saying something.
Small Forward
Scottie Pippen
To be fair to Scottie, spending your career as the sidekick to the most iconic athlete of all time could turn anyone into a bit of an a-hole but Pip probably would've landed on this list regardless. On the court, Scottie did the type of stuff that lesser players would get suspended for routinely. Besides his tripping players from the ground, and generally being a jerk, what truly grants him entry into the A-hole HOF is his behavior during game 3 of the 94 semifinals against the Knicks. With the game tied and seemingly headed for OT, a pouting Pip sulked on the bench when he learned that the last play wasn't drawn up for him but Croatian sensation Toni Kukoc, who had already hit a few buzzer beaters that first Jordanless season. Now it's understood in the NBA that the franchise player will be the first option in the waning seconds but that's not an excuse to refuse to GO BACK IN like a baby. Kukoc hit the shot, and all was mostly forgiven for Scottie, but he'll always be an asshole to us.
Power Forward
Charles Barkley
Barkley's one of those guys who has a get out of jail free card with fans and the media. He's so outrageous that he can say anything that pops into his demented pea brain, and people will shrug it off as "Barkley being Barkley". He could open up the next Inside the NBA with "Kenneh, I really do not lahk Jews. I rilly don't. Let me tell ya somethin', my agent is a Jewish person, my accountant is also Jewish. But I just don't like them. They smell and are dirty people" and everyone would laugh it off as good ol' Chuck and his down south charm. Well, it's all bullshit. It's not that Charles is outrageous so he gets away with it like Howard Stern or Lenny Bruce or someone who's actually self aware and intelligent to know that what he's saying is controversial. It's just that he's really, really stupid. Maybe the dumbest ex athlete ever (and that is saying something). Sure, Sir Charles probably understands that a lot of what he says will rile people up (he's a first rate troll) but I also think he believes a lot of the nonsense he spews is actually smart. He worships Muhammed Ali but aside from speech pattern (which he imitates like Kobe imitates MJ), the two have nothing in common aside from the fact that they have the same number of NBA championship rings. Let us also not forget that he once claimed to be a Republican (because he was rich), threw a guy through a glass window and spit on a little girl.
(Also Kevin Garnett for the above reasons)
Center
And your starting asshole center is none other than.......
Shaquiiiilllleee O'neeeeal
The world's worst kept secret is that behind the goofy smile and dancing, Shaq is as big of an asshole as the current goofball center to go from Orlando to LA and call himself superman. Let's start with the fact that he's played for more teams than any other Hall of Famer (I didn't research this statement but am assuming that it's correct). Like Taylor Swift and her many publicized break ups, after a while maybe you have to think it's you, big guy, not them. Shaq routinely showed up out of shape, occasionally resulting in lengthy injuries, beefed with multiple coaches and mostly coasted through a career off his physical dominance. It's no surprise that a sociopath gym rat like Kobe would clash with him. Shaq was too busy focusing on sucking at side ventures like being one of the worst rappers and actors of all time or attempting to be the world's doofiest sheriff. For Kazaam alone, he earns a spot on the asshole list. You might have noticed a trend developing here. Half of the guys on this list are now employed by Turner sports, and Shaq might be the most boring commentator of all time, adding absolutely nothing to a conversation.
Congrats to all of the inaugural inductees into the PTU Asshole Hall of Fame. You guys suck.
It’s that time of year when men who are “not into sports” hide away
in their [legitimate] man-caves, albeit feeling illegitimate as a man. I should
know, I've traditionally counted myself among their ranks.
It’s easy to spot
one of us by The 3 tell-tale signs:
Shows
up to the bar/party during an important and tense part of the game and
thinks the silence indicates someone important just died.
Orders/Encourages
shots before halftime.
Misuses
valuable commercial-break time to try and have conversation about how much
he hates the Kardashians. (This is actually 3 things in 1)
Here are some suggestions for the downtrodden
Plan a
romantic Valentine’s Day
Go to
the gym
Work
on a hobby
Take
the girlfriend…
…WAIT… Something does NOT feel
right about this list…
Here are REALISTIC suggestions for the downtrodden
Host a TECMO-Bowl Tournament with the teams that
will be playing that day.
4. Go Snowboarding.
5. Make
up ridiculous facts that will inevitably start conversation.
My personal
favorite:
Did you know that the Miami Dolphins were named after Dolph Lundgren?
6. Last,
but not least: Place Money on a game!
If you’re a highly adaptive rascal
like me (how else can a Communist survive in America?), you might consider
betting on a game to get into it. Trust me. !This even works with golf! There’s
no better motivator to learn something than thought of the mob leaving a horsehead
on your newly purchased Temper-pedic.
A slight variant on this is to bet
your girlfriend’s money to get her into watching the game as well.
Side note: Although
there might be better ways to get your fling/girlfriend/spouse into a game, I
wouldn’t know any of them. I don't wish to know of any of them either. I’ve seen what happens to men who dabble in the dark arts.
Some of you may be thinking: “Marx, what if I’m someone who doesn't like any of those things listed like: partying, socializing, playing
video games, joking around, or taking a mobster's money?”
My response to the Capitalist who says that would be: DUDE! Get a life. Marxist. Out.
