Good Riddance, Summer

The summer is a highly over rated season. I know, I know, everyone looooves the summer, it's blasphemous to even suggest that it's actually lame. There's been literally thousands of songs, movies, books, television shows, whatever, dedicated to the virtues of summer. The sun, the fun, summer love, blah blah blah. That's all well and good when you're a child who has nothing to do for two months but read comic books, jerk off and play x-box in the comfort of your parent's air conditioned home. But alas, when you're old and defeated by life like we are, the summer is nothing more than a tease, like all those maxi dress wearing P.Y.T's who aren't your wife on the subway (maxi dresses are the proper term for those dresses that every girl was wearing this summer. You know the ones). Speaking of the subway, the iron horse is particularly torturous during the summer months. During the surrounding seasons, it's merely a pain in the ass to take the train to and from work every day. During the summer it's the closest many of us will get to a living hell we can complain about to other people. You thought homeless people with AIDS smelled bad in the spring and fall? Hoo boy, are you in for a treat. The Fall on the other hand is pretty under rated. Sure, there's been a few songs and movies bigging up Autumn throughout the years, but it's usually just talking about the changing colors of the leaves and new beginnings. In other words, gay shit. The Autumn is under rated as a time to truly get twasted off your ass. The summer is well known as the time for after work outdoors drinking, but I'd counter that 60 degrees is the perfect time to sit outside and drink your sorrows away. If you're a sports fan, you have many reasons to love the fall. Let's be honest, the summer is a dead zone for sports. Around July, even the players start getting bored of playing baseball. There's a reason it's called the dog days of summer. Besides that, you have the Olympics and all it's boring sports every 4 years and what else? The WNBA? The end of summer means the beginning of football season (college and pro), a time to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week, and a valid excuse to ignore your wife. Baseball games actually mean something, and the NBA is right around the corner. There's a reason Autumn rhymes with awesome.

So, throw your cargo shorts back in the closet, break out your hoodies and light jackets and bid farewell to the most over rated time of year. Screw you, summer. Check back in with us in December when we start bitching about Winter.

PTU Summer Movie Preview

Ok, so summer technically started last week, appropriately on a day that approached 100 degrees in the shade in NY, and the summer movie season started around Memorial Day, but there's still a lot of popcorn to be popped in the next 2 months and change. Movies released at this time are notorious for being, well, garbage, but at the very least the theatre will be air conditioned. You've probably already seen the Avengers, but will anything come close to making as much as scratch as that movie did? Let's take a look at a couple of flicks that will be making noise at your local multiplex/arthouse/African guy's sheet on Atlantic Avenue during the dog days.

The Amazing Spiderman


I was as big a Spiderman fan as there could be growing up, at least until they did all that business with the clones and Peter Parker's parents, and Aunt May died, etc. I was a big fan of the first two Sam Raimi directed Spider movies, but I'm a little skeptical about this one (that's not an official clip from the movie above). Franchise reboots are nothing new, of course, and Marvel had some luck with the Hulk reboot a little while ago. But the first Hulk movie was a piece of shit, so it was more of a Ed Norton starring do-over than anything else. Starting a franchise over that was already a success seems pointless (although I know what the point is). I'll probably still see this, but am not really too excited about it.

The Expendables 2


Once you get past the stunt casting of having every action star ever besides Steven Seagal in one movie blowing shit up for nearly 2 hours, you were left feeling kinda empty. Maybe it was the fact that the plot was thin, or the acting was Dolph Lundgrenish. Or maybe it was just that Chuck Norris wasn't in it. This movie's going to be awesome on HBO on a Sunday when you're hung over.

Magic Mike


With the release of this movie and the world domination of 50 Shades of Grey, horny girls are so in right now. If your girlfriend or wife told you she didn't want to see this, she's a liar and not to be trusted, break up with her tomorrow. This movies going to make 8 zillion dollars this weekend, and maybe 12 of those dollars will be from a straight guy, who only accidentally bought a ticket because he thought it was called Magic vs Mike the story of the 91 NBA Finals. It won't matter if no guys want to see this though, because unlike horny dudes, who prefer to be horny by themselves and watch women strip on computers lest they be met with a thousand judging eyes, and shame wash over them, women will go see this movie in PACKS. It's going to be girl's night out at the AMC. And since it probably cost 30 bucks to make, it's going to be a huge success for Stephen Soderbergh, Channing Tatum and the rest. Never underestimate the buying power of the horny woman.

The Watch


Funny story about The Watch. It was originally called Neighborhood Watch until actual neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin. Ok, it's not funny at all, but the movie looks like it could have it's moments. With a cast like Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Ben Stiller there's bound to be a few LOL moments. And at least Adam Sandler's not in it.

To Rome With Love


Woody Allen's latest continues his Europe fetish. I love Woody (no homo) but as any one who's ever seen The Curse of The Jade Scorpion can tell you, his output over the past 20 or so years has been spotty. Recently, he's had more luck with the European set films. There are still a few clunkers in there, but Match Point was cool (even if it was just a remake of Crimes and Misdemeanors without the comedy) and Midnight in Paris was his biggest commercial success ever, as well as critically loved. Will To Rome be more vintage Woody or another dud? I could see Jesse Eisenberg doing a neurotic Woody impression all movie being annoying (also Roberto Benigni is in this), but reviews have been mostly positive.

The Dark Knight Rises


You know you're going to see this. Don't even front.