Top 5 Half White Half Hispanics

                                                            

Unless you've been either living under a rock or using this blog as your only source of current events, you know there was a pretty big and pretty controversial trial recently. Trayvon Martin's killer, George Zimmerman walked off Scott free this past Saturday. A free man, able to play cops and robbers with real bullets wherever he very well pleases for the rest of his life, which won't be very long if you ask Victor Cruz. I'm not going to break down the specifics of this case, or what it means in the grand scheme of things or says about RACE IN AMERICA, or whatever. You've made up your mind already about what you think of the verdict and it's actually a very complex situation. Trayvon wasn't an angelic child whose joy for life was only exceeded by his love for Skittles and he wasn't a gang banging ne'er do well who if he wasn't casing GZ's gated community for open windows to jump in and wreak havoc he would have eventually like some believe. He also wasn't him. Zimmerman isn't history's greatest monster either. That's her. One thing is absolute though: George Zimmerman is half White and half Hispanic just like some of our writers here at PTU. And also just like these folks:

5) Tony Romo

 

 

While I originally thought Mark Sanchez was half White, it turns out that he's not at all. He's all Mexican. But Dallas Cowboys quarterback is indeed only half of a Mexican. He might try and hide his Latino side by only dating blond White girls and rarely if ever driving a car service, but it's there. Mexicans and White people can argue over which side is the one that tosses all those interceptions and chokes in the playoffs.

4) Bottle
                                                       

Who's Bottle? Well, he's many things to many people. A doting father, cheating husband, master sandwich maker and prolific writer of nearly none of your favorite articles on PTU. He does it all. He's also half Dominican.

3) Juan Epstein
                                                            

There's no rules to this shit. I can include a fictional character in this list if I want, and it's impossible to make a goofy list of part Hispanic people without including Buchanan High's resident Jewish and Puerto Rican class clown. He's also the inspiration for Hot 97's morning show title featuring Jewish hip hop head Peter Rosenberg and Rican former Funk master Flex lackey Cipha Sounds. Not as funny a mixed race combination as Tony Soprano's nickname for Meadow's half black half Jewish boyfriend "Jamal Ginsberg" but a worthy addition to this list.

2) Charlie Sheen
                                                         

If we had made this list two years ago he would have been number one in a landslide. It seems like a century ago that this dude hijacked pop culture for about a month. It was a lot like Linsanity in that way, except instead of a mild mannered Christian Chinese point guard that captured the nation's attention it was an aging actor addicted to hookers and blow. Off the strength of Major League and Hot Shots alone he deserves placement on here, and we'll try and forget about 2 and a Half Men and Anger Management.

1) Jessica Alba
                                                           

Look at her, she has to be number one on any list.

Black People Don't Play Baseball. Who Cares?

Yesterday was Jackie Robinson day around baseball as you might have noticed if you turned on the Yankee game and wondered why Mariano Rivera was so much whiter and playing every position. To honor the pioneering Robinson everyone wore his number 42, and it's a classy tradition that MLB has done for a few years to celebrate a truly great player who accomplished a lot for minorities everywhere. Unfortunately, this day also means we have to hear the requisite hand wringing articles and commentaries about the lack of black baseball players problem. Stuart Scott referred to the "troubling" statistics that the Major Leagues are only 8% African American now on Sportscenter. Yes, it's true that there are less and less black players every year, but it's not a problem at all. The truth is black people don't like baseball. That's it. They're not beating down the doors of major league teams only to be turned down by racist owners who want an all Dominican baseball league on American soil. They just aren't interested.

Part of it is the lack of resources in urban areas and the expense of playing baseball i.e. equipment, traveling with a team. But even more than that, black kids just aren't that into you, baseball. Get over it. You've been replaced by more exciting sports like basketball and football that promise immediate huge pay days for those involved as opposed to years riding a bus in the minor leagues. And the "action" of baseball seems absurdly slow to a generation of urban youths raised on hip hop. Basketball arenas routinely play Dr Dre and Kanye beats while the teams are bringing the ball up the court. Besides when A-Rod steps out of the on-deck circle, can you imagine "Niggas in Paris" playing during a baseball game? It just doesn't work. So black kids aren't growing up to be baseball players, does that mean we have a racism issue at work here or Jackie Robinson's achievements were all a waste? Not in the slightest, African-Americans don't want baseball, not the other way around. That's not some kind of tragedy like Jason Whitlock or some other writer searching for a noble cause might want to believe but a simple fact of life. The fact that black athletes have the choice to reject baseball is something that even the original number 42 would be proud of.

What if Kevin Love Were Black?

In our continuing series here at PTU on "What if one guy were a different race than he actually is?", that was started with the photoshopriffic "What if Jeremy Lin were black?", today we will pose the question "What if Kevin Love were Black?". Bottle brought up the controversial theory that Kevin gets no love because of plain old racism. The mainstream sports media and casual NBA fans really don't pay too much attention to him, and despite his monstrous numbers (he puts up a double double in his sleep and routinely puts up 30/20 games. His last couple games he's averaging 40 points and 14 rebounds)Love is still seen as a second tier star in the NBA, with no sneaker deal and barely a commercial to his name. Is this because he's a Caucasian in the league that some people have nicknamed "Nothing but Africans"? (Not me but some people). I'd say- like I usually do- yes and no.

It's true that the attention Love draws is very disproportionate to his skills and stats. Part of that might be because he's White, but mostly it's a geographical and stylistic distinction that sets him apart. Love plays in Minnesota. Nobody cares about anything that happens in Minnesota, unless you're a dynamic, screaming douche bag like Kevin Garnett or an established superstar like Brett Favre. Just like Jeremy Lin benefits from playing in the world's largest market, Love suffers from playing in the middle of nowhere. Put Love on the Knicks or the Lakers and he would be a household name, if not a superstar. Another reason for his relative obscurity is he plays for the Timberwolves, an up and coming team in the league with a great young nucleus, but still a mediocre squad. If they were winning 50 games a year the past couple years or were tearing the league up this season (and not just treading water) his status would certainly see an uptick. There's a long history of great players (at least statistically) of all races who have languished on mediocre to bad teams in small markets for years that didn't receive much recognition. Think of Kevin Martin, Shareef Adur Rahim, Rudy Gay, guys like that. Granted, none of them put up numbers as good as Love, but they all have been or are solid players that no one has heard of thanks to where they play and their teams' mediocrity.

But what if a black guy named Kevin Love (and names don't get too much blacker than Kevin Love which sounds like a late night DJ on Kiss FM) played for Minnesota and averaged 23 and 14? I don't think it would make much of a difference unless he played with some more flash, dunked more and with more style, had some more swag and played more, well, Black. No one likes to admit it but Love plays kinda like a White guy. He shoots outside jumpers, does dirty work inside, and many games will not dunk at all. And while he might have, at one point in his career, rocked a Color Me Baddesque goatee, he now sports a grizzly, lumberjack, white man beard. He has no tattoos, doesn't talk a lot of trash or have a signature celebration move, and rarely, if ever, wears big ugly black rimmed glasses. His uncle was in the Beach Boys, for Christ's sakes. The guy is as White as Barkley's wife. Unfortunately for Kev, this means he gets the usual white guy descriptions from white guy media members: he works harder than everyone else, he's a gym rat, he's deceptively quick at times. Well, maybe not that one, he really is slow. So the fact that he's White isn't a detriment to his fame as much as the fact that he plays really White. Combine that with where he plays and the level of team he plays for, and no amount of three point contest wins (a White guy contest if ever there were one) will elevate him to LeBron and Kobe status without a change of scenery and maybe a little more swag in his game.

Stay tuned for more exciting race switching PTU articles such as: What if JR Smith were Korean? What if Rex Ryan were Muslim? What if Chris Paul were Dominican? What if Mike D'Antoni was gay? What if Ricky Rubio were Jamaican? And (this one will surely be controversial): What if Amare Stoudemire were a midget?

PTU Exclusive: More Controversial ESPN Headlines

Linsanity took an inevitable turn into the absurd and racist for about a half hour late last night when some joker thought it would be a good idea to use "Chink" as a Jeremy Lin related headline pun. Even the New York post would probably find that to be in bad taste and the reaction so far has been as expected. Most people might not know that this isn't the first time the Worldwide Leader in Sports has used questionable judgment in their story headlines. We were able to get our hands on some of the other great moments in racist ESPN headline history that didn't see the light of day. Until now, that is.


Victor Cruz: From Dirty Jersey to Spic and Span

Victor Cruz was the Puerto Rican Jeremy Lin and ESPN couldn't pass up an opportunity to capitalize off the salsa dancing half Puerto Rican's heritage and New Jersey upbringing.


Chuck Hayes: Spear Chucker

Former Houston Rocket Chuck Hayes was a victim of an unfortunate first name.


Danilo Gallinari: Guinea Big!

The Italian former Knick came up huge in a win and so did the ESPN headline writers.


Troy Murphy: What A Drunken Irishman

They didn't really try on this one.

Mark Sanchez: Wetback To The Future

Where we're going there are no roads (or tasteful headlines!)


Chien-Ming Wang: Gookie of the Year


Taiwan's former favorite son was a rookie sensation and Asian.

Sheryl Swoopes: Wanna Be Like Dyke!

The WNBA's first active player to come out was also a pioneer in the field of offensive headlines.

Ryan Braun: Juicy Jews

Braun's steroids accusations provided ESPN with the chance to break this headline out. Oy Vey.
As you can see, last night's headline was no fluke. Stay tuned, folks.

Top 10 Movies That Only White People Like

Some movies are embraced by the entire country; people of all colors, age and ethnicity. And then there are movies like these. White people can't get enough of them but you're more likely to see a Nickelback album on a person of color's ipod than one of these in their DVD collection.

So, here's the PTU top 10 movies that were least likely to have someone yell at the screen while watching:

10) Juno

Some minority females may like this tale of a sassy white teenage girl who becomes pregnant and the ensuing hilarity that follows, but most Puerto Rican dudes only know of one Juno: "Ju know Juan from Fordham Road? That nigga owes me 50 dollars, man". Teen pregnancy just doesn't seem as funny when Belle and Sebastian aren't playing in the background.

9) Indiana Jones


This seems to be a controversial choice here at PTU, but resident Puerto Rican Hater J insists that no one in the Barrio gave a shit about Indy and his whip.

8) Rushmore

You could probably insert anything directed by Wes Anderson, but this movie about an annoying boarding school kid who looks to be about 32 definitely collected dust at the 125th st. Blockbuster.

7)Into the Wild

For some reason, many minorities find it hard to get wrapped up in a movie about a kid who graduates college and decides to burn his car and money and go hiking in the woods instead of accepting a high paying job.

6)MASH

Spawning an even whiter sitcom, this movie is on VHS in many white dad's collections and is usually ranked among the best comedies of all time. Only Alan Alda's presence could have increased it's whiteness.

5) Slapshot

White college kids and older white men love this wacky comedy about a minor league hockey team. A minority will join the Klan before queuing this up on Netflix.

4) Anything directed by Woody Allen

Woody catches some flak for not casting minorities in his films about New York, but only from other white people since no one of color has ever seen a Woody Allen film.

3) The Breakfast Club

Another controversial choice since many people in the hood caught this on WPIX 11 and might have liked it, but most white people love this movie more than their mothers.

2) Sideways

Birth of A Nation is more popular amongst minority audiences than this movie about two white men who decide to travel the country and visit wineries.

1)Star Wars

Beloved by all white people, but even the presence of Billy Dee can't get a brother to watch this. Amazingly, it is the most successful movie of all time, yet no minority ever bought a ticket to it (and to quote a Conan O'Brien joke, no one ever brought a date).

Any non-whites out there that love one of these movies, feel free to let it be known in the comments. Or if any white people beg to differ with one of these choices, I'd like proof of one of your minority friends enjoying one of these movies.