Denis Leary – You’re An Asshole

As punishment for his purchase of ESPN’s Insider, Bagels not only gets to read the stupidity of John Hollinger, but he gets a monthly reminder of his purchase with the ever terrible “ESPN The Magazine”. I’m not a subscriber and don’t really care to read the thing at all. Bagels’ underwhelming description of the magazine has made me pretty comfortable with this choice. I’ve found his now-and-then comments to be sufficient enough to lead me to believe “The Magazine” would be better served as a weed plate than anything worth using as a means for avoiding eye contact with the homeless people on the train ride home.

Today, much to my frustration, Bagels has brought it to my attention that ESPN is releasing an “America’s Most Dominant Sports City” issue. A collection of articles devoted to the Cawk Suckas from New England. We’ve grown to accept these types of things from ESPN. This is a network that told us the Red Sox were a lock to win the AL Pennant and that the worst case scenario for the 2010-2011 Boston Celtics was a game 7 loss in the Finals.

What made me exceptionally upset is that an article titled “New York Sucks” is written by self proclaimed asshole, Denis Leary. That freckled f-ck head has made his living for the past seven years on a New York centric show. I guess it never occurred to Denis that he could have opted to make the show in New England and easily insert his drunk, womanizing character there. But then again, he may have realized that making the show NYC themed would allow him to take advantage of 9/11 for an easy plot line. He may have also realized that we have enough red headed, asshole, “tough guys”, with shitty accents on the big screen and that there may not be any room for that on the small screen.

Da Canucks Lose to Boston, EY!

I don't know what accent I least prefer listening to: Canadian or Boston.

Turns out that the Vancouver Canucks lost the Stanley Cup Finals to the Boston Bruins. It may be my New York City bias speaking, but I really feel for the Canucks. Imagine that: I care less for the American Bruins than I do for the Canadian Canucks (Is that redundant?). Let's face it, despite Boston's long sporting tradition, losing to any Boston based professional team is like losing to you're pre-adolescent younger brother at any sport. It should be no surprise then that a riot resulted in Vancouver from the Bruin win.

The Assosciated Press reports that as soon as the final buzzer sounded, a hail of beer bottles rained down - empty of course, these are Canadians we're talking about here. "Autos" were flipped, "rubbish" littered the streets that eventually became rivers of alcohol, and fireworks were thrown around like it was May 2-4. Vancouver had to deploy its whole police force to try and sequester the carnage. But alas, the 10 Member Riot Team deployed was quickly overwhelmed by a crowd of seven-thousand.

Vancouver Mayor Gregor Roberstson (never trust a man with two Canadian first names) described the scenes as "embarrassing and shameful". 

"The vast majority of people who were downtown were there to enjoy the game in a peaceful and respectful manner," he said. 

"...Apparently not," I said.

The PTU Guide to Movies About Boston

Are you an aspiring screenwriter with sizable gambling debts and/or a massive cocaine addiction? Do you need to strike movie gold fast? Do you also have a fascination with working class white people with accents? Follow these easy steps to critical and financial cinematic success:

• Dreary, mostly Irish neighborhood either in South Boston or a similarly bleak New England town
• Handsome, tough on the outside yet hiding an either intellectual or good-hearted (maybe both) side, leading man
• Tough as nails friend/brother who may or may not have an addiction, but definitely has a criminal history
• Random big haired skanks who the leading man used to date or has always wanted to sleep with
• Professional woman who works in either the medical field or some other "snooty" job who reluctantly falls for the leading man, but can see through his tough guy image to his heart of gold
• Scene in a shitty bar with lots of old guys and townies drinking Jameson that leads to a fight
• Either an Affleck brother, Matt Damon or Mark Wahlberg (if you can't afford one of these guys, pick a random scrappy white person who can attempt a New England accent)
• People wearing Red Sox (or other Boston sports teams) paraphernalia
• Former neighborhood tough who now works for law enforcement
• Flogging Molly or Dropkick Murphys on the soundtrack
• Leather Jackets

Follow these simple steps, and you too can be the next critical darling of Hollywood. If you are able to land one of the big 3 (Affleck, Damon, Wahlberg) you might as well get fitted for your tux.

Good luck, cack sawker!