PTU Oscars Preview

It's that time again. Roll out the red carpet, toot a couple lines and get ready for celebrities to congratulate themselves for 4 hours. I'll be watching the NBA All star game this Sunday night, and I assume many of you might be doing the same, but this is what all your girlfriends and wives will be talking about on Monday. As a disclaimer I'd like to say that I didn't see most of the movies nominated this year but I'm going to take a couple stabs at who I think will be giving tearful speeches at the podium Sunday night anyway. What are my predictions?

Best Actor

The Guy from The Artist


TGFTA narrowly beats out George Clooney, only because Clooney's won already and the Academy would love to give this to a guy who barely had any lines. "Acting!"

Best Actress

Michelle Williams


This is a tough one since Glenn Close, Meryl Streep and Williams all are nominated for really show offy performances that the Academy loves to give awards out for. Play ugly, retarded or drug addicted and you're guaranteed at least a nomination. Close played a woman in drag, Streep supposedly transformed into Margaret Thatcher but Michelle Williams is getting tons of buzz as Marilyn Monroe and it would be a feel good story for her.

Supporting Actor

Christopher Plummer


I'd like Jonah Hill to win just because I've probably seen every movie he ever did (including Moneyball, one of the few flicks nominated that I saw). And Max Von Sydow is reportedly very good in the mostly otherwise hated Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, but since I already picked one guy who barely has any lines, Plummer gets the nod.

Supporting Actress

Octavia Spencer


The Oscars loves films that deal with race, even if they're not even that great (Crash, The Blind Side), so I expect to see the lady who played one of the maids in The Help take home an Oscar even if the movie gets shut out in every other category.

Director

The Guy Who Directed The Artist


I think the Artist will take this one, although I'll be rooting for hometown hero Woody Allen to win for his biggest hit to date. The Artist seems to be the type of movie that will dominate the Oscars, even if you don't know anyone besides Bottle who's seen it yet. It's just artsy enough but not too artsy to alienate people. Artist domination.

Best Picture


What else? The Artist for the reasons mentioned above.

Some Thoughts on The 2012 Grammys

Let's just get out of the way right from the top here the fact that awards shows are inherently ridiculous. They're a big waste of time and amount to not much more than a collective jerk off by whatever industry is being celebrated. But last night was a slow TV night (first post football Sunday, the Knicks were off and I don't watch The Walking Dead) so I watched the majority of Sunday night's Grammys. And it was as stupid and occasionally entertaining as I thought it would be. What did we learn?

• Bruce Springsteen's new single was exactly what you expect from the "Boss" (sorry Rick Ross). Last night was the first time I heard it but the lyrics seemed to mostly be the same stuff he always talks about. Americans, hard working working class people, flags, diners, trucks (I didn't pay attention too much). I still get a kick out of seeing Silvio Dante rocking out up there though.




• Rihanna looked like the hottest Tina Turner impersonator in history, and did a song with the always annoying Chris Martin who then did the one Coldplay song I like in what looked like the booth from Big Tigga's basement. Chris Brown performed a couple times and the dude can dance and all that crap but he's still a prick. Nobody hits my girl Ri-Ri. I lose faith in the human race when I read that girls are still into him. I would lick the bottoms of her feet after she stepped in glass.




• Glen Campbell looked pretty good for his age and performed really well for a guy with Alzheimer's. Too bad Rhinestone Cowboy sucks so hard.




• Jay-z and Kanye were conspicuously missing from the entire proceedings. I know Jay was boycotting the Grammys for a while because they didn't show any love to rap and then he lost out best album to "Big Willie Style" one year or something but he performed Swagga Like us a few years ago so I think that's over. Kanye was being typically bitchy about not winning anything last year so maybe it was a show of solidarity between the two to skip it. But as much of a turd as Kanye can be, you know an awards show isn't the same without his dumb ass threatening to do something stupid. UPDATE: It's now come out that Hov and B were just hanging out with Bottle in Carroll Gardens eating pizza instead of going to the Grammys.




• The Foo Fighters did "Rope" which was the single from their last album and was probably my favorite track off of it, and then Deadmau5 did their remix of it that appeared on that same album. It was all ok. I'm so sick of hip hop that I've been getting into Dubstep lately ( also thanks to Motown Marxist). Skrillex makes me want to do ecstasy and punch someone in the face.




• Nikki Minaj had the most talked and tweeted about moment of the night, doing some faux Lady Gaga blasphemy shit. I wasn't really offended by the religious stuff (this is how far we've come since the Like a Prayer video that dared to have Leon play Christ) but the song was what rectal cancer sounds like (I think that priest's look up there says it all). STFU, Nikki. You got a great possibly fake ass and some nice cans and you're probably the second best rapper in your crew, but the black Gaga thing is cool for drag clubs in the West Village, playing gay exorcist on national TV isn't though. It was just meant to be shocking and get talked about (which of course is what I'm doing right now) but it came across as desperate and stupid Catholic League baiting bull shit. As for that second best in your crew title I just gave you, that's not a big deal when your competition are two retarded kids, a sensitive former child actor, a ghoulish creature who wore pajamas on tv last night, and some no name mixtape rappers who never made it, and Busta Rhymes.




• Weight Watchers works.




• LL Cool J was a serviceable, bland host in the style of a Ryan Seacrest or some other boring guy like that. The lip licking thing is too much though. I was thinking of Jamie Foxx's stand up routine as Mr. Smith gave his eulogy for Whitney Houston all the while looking like he was in the Doin' It video.




• The Beach Boys are still pretty good.



• Victor Cruz is everywhere these days. Since the Super Bowl win he's been at Fashion Week's opening night, made numerous talk show appearances, took the first pictures of Blue Ivy, created the Ipad 3, and now scored the best seat in the house at the Grammys: right behind Adele who won everything. He even did a little of his salsa on stage. Cruuuuuuuz.



• Speaking of Adele, she won everything. I think she won best rap album and got a lifetime achievement award for being Willie Nelson but I could be wrong. Good for her, at least she can actually sing and the Grammys proved they aren't totally out of touch by awarding a deserving popular artist instead of The Eagles or Steely Dan or some other baby boomer band that nobody under 30 even knew had an album out.

That's all for me. I missed about an hour or so of the show but from what I gathered on Facebook and from text messages I didn't miss much. See you next time for the similarly pointless Oscars.

PTU Oscars Preview

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how often the Grammy voters are wrong and what a pointless bore that show is.The Oscars is somehow an even more pointless and boring mess of a show, except unlike the Grammys I think people actually care about who wins or loses the big awards. Sure, it's not nicknamed the gay super bowl for nothing, as the show is more about what people are wearing or will drunkenly say during an acceptance speech, but the actual winners of the awards seem to have an impact. I doubt too many people were driven to go get The Suburbs after the grammys, but I know a lot of people who will run out to see whatever wins best picture if they haven't already seen it.

So, enough yakkity yak, here's Johnny Bagel's Oscar picks.

Best Actor

Colin Firth for The King's Speech.

I usually hate movies about British history, but this movie was really well done and Colin Firth as the stuttering king better win this category.

Best Actress

Natalie Portman for Black Swan.

Girl on girl Oscar action!

Best Director

David Fincher for The Social Network.

I think it'll be shut out in all the other big categories so I pick Fincher, who added his dark style to this hugely popular movie.

Best Picture

The King's Speech.

Yeah, that's right. It was that good.

And now, the most keeping it real moment in Oscar history!